A quote I saw attributed to Robin Williams went something like this. "I used to think the worst thing in the world was ending up all alone. Now I know its ending up with someone who makes you feel all alone."
What to do, what to do, what to do?
H is embracing his new role as wonder-hubby. Except for that persnickety detail of the OW he'd deserve a t-shirt, or maybe a mug. He mutes the tv when I talk (gasp!) He waits for me to sit with him at the table. He has hung blinds on three windows!! (I told him 5 years was long enough to have tablecloths and blankets as window treatments. And the next day he brought home blinds - and hung them.)
But...but... but that don't impress me much.
And I don't know what to do with that. I know the man is TRYING. Really, he's 180 ed from where he was a couple years ago. His concession on OW is that "J you can read our messages whenever you want... just ask."
And, I don't want to sound childish, BUT I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE ANY TEXT MESSAGES TO READ.
And how long can he keep up this wonder-hubby routine anyway?
I can tell he expects me to be more excited at his new behaviors than what I have demonstrated so far. But ya' know, 20 times bitten...
So, weigh in here please. Do I need to give this more time? Will OW be deleted one day?
I'm so suspicious of his motivation. I feel he's trying to lull me into a hypnotic state so things can go back to our "normal".
And folks, I'll be damned if I'll ask to see his text messages. Just can't bring myself to do that. Not sure if I can explain, but its INSULTING. If he would like to share/remove his password, perhaps I would on occasion stroll through those texts and learn that just as he says its all innocence. But, I counter, for how long? For how long will it remain all innocence?
"I do love you" he says. I say nothing back.
Sign me bewildered as ever...
Take care,
~ Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Jaye, What do you want to do? You already know that these "honey do" tasks are ways to earn kibbles from you and yes, to possibly lull you back into the web he has woven. He is very much aware that you could walk at any time and he also senses that you are about done w/him and his ow.
How would feel about telling him that you appreciate all of the things he's been doing recently, but you will not accept that the ow is still in the picture. She has to go. That a marriage w/three people in it will not work. If you were to do this, your h would be all huffy, angry and possibly leave...could you handle that? His leaving?
He's been cake eating for a very long time and you, and only you can determine when it's time to put the cake, plate, and fork away. As long as he's allowed to continue eating cake, he'll do it.
Jaye, you have some difficult decisions to make and I would sit quietly for a bit and allow the answers to reveal themselves. You will know when the time is right to do what needs to be done.
Sending you hugs today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, ya gotta like the recent behavior shift. Who wouldn't? It's better than a stick in the eye.
I say attempt to capitalize on it. Get what you can while the gettin' is good! Ask H for things. Start small and work your way up. The sky and your imagination are your only limits!
Remember to thank him along the way and to reward positive behavior.
You mention being suspicious, and rightfully so. Just don't let that hold you back from accepting positive things from H.
Be open to where this may lead... you never know.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
And, I don't want to sound childish, BUT I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE ANY TEXT MESSAGES TO READ.
I don't blame you! This nonsense that you should just accept his OW is ...well...TOTAL BS!
I know you have stayed because of your twins still being in high school - are they graduating this year or next?
Let's face it - IF you had unlimited financial resources, you would have booted him out a long time ago, and he would probably have woken up out of his fantasy pretty quickly and come crawling back. But because of your financial situation and desire for stability for the kids, he's got you by the short hairs and is having his cake and eating it too.
You have an awful lot on your plate - your kids have a lot of special needs, and your H is just sucking up your energy and pulling it away from the kids, where it really needs to be.
There's no rule that says you have to put up with his bad behavior, or that you have to keep standing for a man who so blatantly disregards your needs. Just be smart and ask yourself about every decision "Will this get me closer to my goals?"
And take advantage of his current (probably short-lived) helpful mood to get EVERYTHING you need done around the house. If you DO end up divorcing and selling the house, it will be that much less you have to do to get it ready to sell. Even if you keep the house, it'll be that much nicer for you.
Sock away any money you can in any secret places you can. Try to get to the point where you COULD, IF and only IF you wanted, tell him that refuse to be in a triangle any longer and he has to leave. I'm not saying to do that - that's a decision only you can make. But wouldn't you feel a lot better if your ducks were in a row so that this WAS an option, if you wanted it?
Job, FY, Lois and kml thank you all for stopping by.
It is so very nice to log in and find responses!
Job, I don't know what I want. I really truly don't. I know things I don't want. Right now I have a life defined by negatives.. lol. Would he get huffy if I said the ow has to go despite all the niceties? Possibly, maybe. Yesterday at counseling H turns to me and says "Any issues you feel you'd like to talk about?"
I told him the biggest issue is OW. That yes, there are other issues too, but that for me none of the others are deal breakers.
This always seems to be a surprise to H. He feels that because he says they are "past all that" that I should be fine with their "friendship".
FY, it is nice to have blinds, I must admit. And I don't miss doing laundry at all.
You mention being suspicious, and rightfully so. Just don't let that hold you back from accepting positive things from H.
Be open to where this may lead... you never know.
This is pretty much the crux of my feelings. Because I do know H is trying. In fact, he may be giving it all he's got right now. And I feel it is wrong to... to what? To ignore his offerings, to tell him they aren't good enough.
To tell him its too little too late.
And that folks, is exactly what I am afraid is the case. Lol, shoe is on the other foot, I'm nearly a WAS. Its going to take a lot of time and patience on H's part to fix what's been broken. I don't have enormous faith in him investing that much energy in "us", in me. Its been an awful, awful long time since he's wanted to connect with me.
A reconnection with OW in the wings isn't particularly appealing.
Then this morning on the way to work H says "It took me forever to figure out how to do it, but I removed the password from my phone." See, that's H trying. That's a concession. Probably took great effort, humility to do that.
But all I can say, in my head and heart, is "that's a start...maybe..."
And lunch is over.
Take care,
~~Jaye~~
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
It does sound like he is trying. Likely doing the best he can. Since you're still in, (not done) why not attempt to guide him along into being the H you want? Wouldn't it be wonderful if he surprised you?!
He already knows OW is the main issue for you. Good job voicing that in your session!
I know my W has man friends that she tells me about, and I also know there is nothing inappropriate going on between them... she's very open about it, and they only have very intermittent contact... not the silly round the clock nonstop contact of a true EA or PA. We live together, I know these things. Your situation may vary, I have not kept up with the details of your sitch or H's relationship with OW.
Unless it's an absolute a deal breaker for you, maybe you could look at his texts occasionally. Or ask him questions about what they are talking about. (preferably right after their contact, when it is fresh) If he's serious he'll jump at the chance to open up to you, and you'll have a better sense of what's really going on. Then you'll have more facts to help guide your next move, whatever that may be.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Well, Howdy-do DB world! It seems like ages since I've been on, but its really only a couple months.
Updates. S21 still at home, still occasionally "dying" but his anxieties haven't been uncontrolled of late. He briefly had a girlfriend. Briefly. Like, 5 days. Then she went back to her ex. S21 took it philosophically, and life goes on.
D19 still back at home. 33 yr old BF in jail for outstanding warrants. D19 kinda shrugs at the BF title for him. She may have a job - goes for a second interview this weekend. Fingers crossed.
S18A his team came in 4th place for State Track 4X400. He went to Florida on the school trip he couldn't go on last year because of a conflict with the State Meet of 2013. He had a great time and came home "talking" to a girl... He is going to U of Cincy this fall which is of course exciting and bittersweet...
S18B continues to work. Has new GF. Planning to go to U of Cincy in January.
and ... H. H has a torn rotator cuff that Workers Comp doesn't wish to pay to repair. And for his newest trick, a week ago Sunday he passed out 3 times here at home. (I was at fastfoodland, the kids were sleeping, nobody witnessed this, nobody was there to help H which bothers him tremendously). The 3rd time he may have seizured because he managed to bite a chunk out of his tongue. He has been to the hospital and followed up with the family Dr. and had all the tests and... nothing.
And H's mom has been diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome, a sort of leukemia with a life expectancy of 2 months to a few years depending on which type she actually has. Finding out requires a bone marrow biopsy which MIL doesn't want to do.
Oh and OW still present as a text buddy. IDK details and I don't ask. And it matters to me less and less all the time. Not that I'm accepting it. Quite the opposite in fact. But I am accepting that it is what it is. He's a cheater and that's not ok. It has ended our marriage from my perspective. I am separated from my H although we live together...
But something I wanted to share here, especially for newbies. First, some background. H went to visit his parents this week and while there planned to see an old friend. He texted O.F. to arrange details of meet-up but O.F. declined to text ATM because he was visiting some friends and thought texting would be rude. Well, H was having none of that. Told O.F. in fairly decent terms to take a hike. But then H had second thoughts, and FBed O.F.'s wife kind of sort of attempting to make amends. H texted me this and told me to log into his FB account to read what he and O.F.'s wife had exchanged.
H was trying to explain why he had over reacted to the text situation. He says to OFW.
Do you remember me. Do you know me. Would you think of me as the antisocial one. The quiet person in the room. Because that's me lately. I'd rather end relationships than make them. I don't like people or maybe I don't like me anymore. My wife thinks our meet up is more important to me because I'm in crisis mode and O.F. isn't.
Being in crisis mode is my wifes interpretation. Mine is a little different.
OFW asks, What is yours?
I don't know. Something stronger than crisis. Everything is falling apart The only thing I can latch onto is that I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't act like who I was.
And that my friends, is nearly 2 years after Bomb Drop. That is the mess that is roiling and percolating in H's skull.
And Jaye? Jaye hasn't a freakin' clue. Just goes to work and tries to keep slogging along. Detaching detaching detaching. Waiting, thinking, not crying too much but not laughing too much either. Breathing, praying, walking.
We continue going to counseling. But IDK about that. H seems to like it. He does 90% of the talking. We have an appointment Monday and I plan to ask the Dr. just exactly what his game plan is. If he has one. Because on session 1 I told him that my issue was infidelity. (Certainly not saying that is the only issue, but that is the only issue that will result in me leaving.) And the A is rarely brought up. H talks about H. Not our marriage, just H. H's troubles, childhood etc. Its like H therapy that I sit in on. And H wants me there. I know, because I volunteered to not be there. SMH.
Take care everyone.
~~Peace~~ ~ ~ Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Quick note - I'm at wonderfuljob, but its dead slow, and I want to share.
H and I went to counseling yesterday and I managed to ask the Dr. some of the questions I've been mulling over. There were a few, but the one that is currently at the top of my mental pile is that the Dr. confirmed that H is a narcissist. Said no to MLC, but as there's no Narcissist forum I guess I'll just stay here...
But the diagnosis is somehow freeing. It says to me that I may not be crazy after all. Of course, it also says, according to my online research, that there's not a great deal of hope for the M....
There's more, but I've no time.
Take care DB world,
Love,
Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thank you so much for leaving me a note.