New here and very Confused

[2BHappy]

Moving up, looking for some advice/feedback/support.

[woundedfool]

Sorry, just got back from the maywether fight, Will catch up on your saga asap.

[2BHappy]

Since I post the negative I want to also post the postive

H got up this morning and cooked me breakfast before church, H also got me a gift from him and one from my son for mothers day.

I was not sure if he would do anything for mother's day or actually I did not want to expect anything and get my hopes up.

I was very happy but played it cool, I did let him know I apprciated the breakfast and gifts. I went in for a kiss H gave me his check,,,,but then he went and brushed teeth came back and gave me a kiss on the lips.

After church before H went to work, H initiated sex, I was surprised but I took him up on offer

H then also gave me another kiss before leaving fo work.

I know the changes in me, allow H to feel more comfortable around me, and I know I'm a more welcoming person to be around.
I will continue to work on me, to become a better person.

I wanted to tell H I love him, but I did not.

I dont know if H is coming back around, or testing the waters, but this last week H has been having longer conversations with me, and just overall seeming less tensed around me, a couple of smiles etc.

I did tell H today, that anytime H wants to spend time with me when he gets home from work, its ok to wake me up. I did not feel needy when I said this, so I dont think I apperaed needy to H.

No R or M talk in over a week, going on 2 weeks.

I know its still soon, since I've been really making my changes and think the H is noticing, so I'm not going to read anything in this,,,until H puts his ring back on, and or tells me he wants to work on M or R, I will just continue to work on myself.

I will "test" the waters a lil, but not often and I'm paying more attention to when I should "test" the waters and when to Go Dimm.

When you have time, read my last couple pages of post and give me some feedback, would like to hear from newbies and old pros.

[ye21]

2Bhappy is your H still involved with OW?

[2BHappy]

YE21- I dont "think" so. I did ask tell him in Feb that he could not remain in our house if the OW was still in the picture, H told me he ended it and it was never what I thought it was...

I don't snoop, I don't know for sure if OW is still in picture or not. If OW is still in picture H is only spending a couple of hours with OW after work, but I would know if H was working OT or with OW, if I was snooping, but I'm done with worrying about OW, done with snooping.

SO I don't know, all I can tell you is that H said he was not seeing OW any more.

[ye21]

Ok so its important to know this, if he is not with OW he needs time to withdrawal that relationship so I will hold on to make love and be a W for a little, asking for D its not a joke, you need to work with him in counseling and otherways prior to jump back into a "normal" relationship with him, its like he kind of have to probe himself commited to the marriage so you are sure and he is sure that marriage with you is what he trully wants.

[2BHappy]

YE21
So I need to know for sure if OW is out of the picture before I'm intimate with my H?

Last I asked H he said NO, and based on DB I should not snoop and should not keep asking questions?

So now I would need to ask for proof? I dont want to have any conversations about OW, and I'm not even sure what type of proof I would get.

Maybe its too soon still, H has not mention M or R, and H never brought up D I mentioned that out of anger and sadness.

If H ended with OW in Feb, how much time would H need to withdrawal from OW.

H also slept back in our bed for the 2nd time this week, this time not related to "back" sore.

[ye21]

Basically he went to OW, so yes you need to be sure he is not with her anymore and cake eating with you.

Intimate should be zero until relationship follow certain boundaries because you dont want to see yourself in the same position in a few weeks or months.

You dont need to snoop but you need to make sure OW its not around so he has to proof that to you for you to be able to trust him again, otherways there is no chance of a firm ground for R.

Normally it takes 90 days of absolutelly no contact at all to start having a realistic withdrawal of the A.

Basically if you go back fully with him and you have problems now or small discussions he is not yet firm enough to not consider talking to OW for advice or support that might lead to confussion.

What you want is him 100% commited to your marriage not 50% and for that my friend times has to play a role into this.

Protect yourself and let him come back to you little by litle and showing actions because you dont deserve the pain you went thrue and obviously you dont deserve to feel that pain again.

You are serious about your marriage and you will do whatever to still married with him right? So if he wants the marriage he is gonna have to do the same...

[woundedfool]

I am going to step back from your thread a touch, as you have advanced a bit beyond where my experience lied.

I believe you two are now piecing (problem not solved,but maybe open to seeking solutions). Only thing I will add is that while I agree he may need time to withdrawal from the OW, I don't know if cutting him off in the intimacy department is the right step.

Your R is very delicate right now, I would strongly encourage you to try a DB Coach and utilize a "professional" and get their thoughts.

[2BHappy]

Yes I see your point, and I will spend some time thinking about what you have said. I agree I want H back when he is 100% committed to M and R. I don't want to bring up OW, M or R.

I want to wait for H to bring up M or R, at that point I will feel that he is ready to work on M. Once H tells me he wants to work on M, I will then tell him what I need to be able to fully trust him again.


I can say H whereabouts are not unknown to me, he has also started to call me from work, I think this is to let me know he is at work.

H has stopped hiding his car keys, and his phone is not glued to him at all times as it was earlier this year. Not sure what was hidden in the car,,,or why he was hiding keys,,,,

H is offering to tell me his daily plans when not a work day.

I want to start over with H, I want a better M, R, & H.

I also want to be initmate with my H, so this will be a challenge if he initiates for me to say NO. But I know what you are saying is true. So I will have to think about how I want to handle this going forward,,,,

BUT I dont want him to be still with OW and me.

H does seem to be coming back to me little by little, I will continue to watch for clear signs of this.