2 Months In And Feeling So Broken

[25yearsmlc]

Its very hard to throw off the blame. Objectively, I know its true - thats its his situation. My brain keeps looking for a 'solution' that will fix this, now. But I know that won't happen.

That^^ does not mean you don't have changes to make. That would be my SOLE focus if I were you. Get out of his "sandbox" and stay in yours. There is work to be done.
Here's what I strongly believe...

He will Not return to the marriage at all, ---
UNLESS he believes that marriage to you---

can be better/different than before.

It's Your job to SHOW him that. Not with words, but Actions.

I'm working at keeping my big yap shut to H. Have gotten better at the that. Its been at least 2 weeks since a blow up or any R talk. Which is the longest since BD. By far!

GOOD!!!

I keep wanting to say something about R to H but have been able to stop myself. Surprizing, really. So 25, I'm working on it.

DO NOT bring up the M. Right now you're in the process of helping Him feel safe around you. So he can feel like you're not his enemy.

I mean, if you want a reconciliation, you cannot insist on being RIGHT and making him "Wrong". Anyhow, once he begins to relax a bit, you can build on that. The goal is NOT to "make him do R talk". The goal is not to "make" him do anything. IT's to stop that. It's to help him see you as a friend, and my DB coach told me to "listen like a lover", "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives", and to "KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH."

None of this is easy...I know, I've been there.....

IF, R talk comes up, you don't keep challenging his choices b/c that forces him to defend the choices some more. I believe he's torn and conflicted and in pain. Don't judge him now, be his ally if you can. Try to seem like you are on his team, but that you "get" that it is his turn at bat.

If he brings up something painful which you know you are at least partly responsible for, and feel some regret about, admit that, & take full responsibility for your actions, (without then measuring his role).

Say "I'm sorry about that b/c I know it hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I"d do differently."

IF HE brings up something you truly do Not recall in a similar way, then say

"Wow H, that's not how I recall it at all, but I"m sorry you were hurt. IF I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Yes I know they're identical second clauses. But together, Neither response ^^ escalates, yet neither makes you into a doormat.

AND they each show an awareness of the need for change, on Your end...

Make sense?

[Upwards]

My brain keeps looking for a 'solution' that will fix this, now. But I know that won't happen.

I'm a natural fixer & i've found it very hard to stay back and not try to rescue my H, its taken a lot of self control & even more patience.

The more i've detached, the more i've become aware of when i'm feeling the need to rescue and its allowed me the chance to analyse why I do it. Its amazing what this process can teach us about ourselves!

[JennD]

Wow! You ladies have opened my eyes this morning! Words of wisdom...

"KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH". That is an excellent way to think of it - I should have that crossed stitched on a pillow...

Self control is not something I specialize or even dabble in, really. This is really forcing me to look at that fact and the reasons behind it. You said it Upwards - self analysis is where I find myself alot. Often when I'm thinking about talking with H about R - I am able to stop and think - why do I feel I need to do this? Will it help? Or will it cause more tension?

I'm a bit worried about going to the Play Therapist tonight as we are explaining our situation to her and I'm afraid that it will explode or at the very least, get heated with H and I. But I think these last few thoughts you have given me put things in to a perspective that really hits home with me. So thank you.

When I think about R talk, its because I need it - I'm looking for reassurance. But It ends with anything but reassurance. I'm asking questions I don't want the answers to right now.

I'm seeing my IC this afternoon. Actually looking forward to it. Always feel like I can exhale after I meet with her.

Thanks again, Team DB!

[Upwards]

I realised that pretty quick, I was reaching out & starting R talks because I wanted reassurance that all would be ok however I ALWAYS ended up hurt/upset because he wasn't able to give me the reassurance I needed - lesson learnt!!

Try to keep the focus on your D at the meeting and how your going to help her move forwards from this. I know it's very hard but try to keep your emotion out of it as that won't help your situation - try to see it as a positive thing your doing for your D.

Good luck in IC, mine helps me a lot too!

[labug]

Self control is not something I specialize or even dabble in, really

You say this in a seemingly joking manner. That's serious stuff. (self-control wasn't my strong suit, either) What are you doing about that?

Your H does need to take 100% responsibility for his 50% of the problem but you have no control over that.

That being said, y

You also have 100% responsibility for your 50% and that's where your focus should remain. I would bet that your lack of self-control has your husband walking on eggshells. Life alone is probably better than walking around waiting to step on a landmine.

Your H does need to see that life with you will be different, very different.

Work on you. We each are given one life to control, our own. Specialize in self-control.

[JennD]

Labug, said tongue in check, it is the truth. I know it is serious stuff- I'm aware of my short comings in self control - more aware then I have ever been. And I am seeking IC to help with that - for anger, self-control, stopping control of others, etc.

Feel like I've been operating with my head in the sand for 41 years. Its amazing the changes in my views.

I agree - we each are 100% responsible for our half of the problems. I have never denied that. And I am working thru IC to deal with this as well.

Tonight it's just H and I with the play therapist. She wants to know what our situation is, what our concerns are, and what the girls are like. Its 1 hour.

And I have made a conscience decision to think before I speak and be aware of what I am saying to keep things calm and non-confrontational. Focusing on whats important and the purpose of the meeting.

[labug]

That's ^^^ a great post.

I clearly identified with your previous post and that's what stirred my response.

You can turn this around and your life can be better than you ever imagined. The catch is, it may not be what you imagined.

Let go and let the good come to you.

[25yearsmlc]

I really appreciate this post by LB. (Below) I wanted to respond to the "dabble in self control" comment as well, but La Bug has done it well. So I'll contain myself here to a few comments.

So, the "oops I lost it again" mantra that SEEMS to be your way of saying you lost your sh1t again, gets very old, very fast.

I'm going to give you a 2 x 4 now - for purposes of perspective from your H...and you'll need to have & show empathy for him and how your choices made an impact on HIS choices .

The "oops, I blurted out another"....isn't an "oops" type of act. It's usually a BIG APOLOGY generating blunder.

(Not sure if you need to give him one at the moment, --probably, but you also need to avoid R talk, so just be ready in the future, --

AND OR apologize now for all the times you gave yourself a pass b/c you believed if you felt something, it HAD to be expressed, then & there, to HIM or whomever... (& thus, not really examined, or processed by you, or kept to oneself.)

It's sort of saying "Oh I can have a tantrum if I think I'm right. And I often do. Sure, I have those moments a lot, but I just say 'I'm emotional or go with my emotions' and that makes it acceptable..."

No, it's not alright. It is often abrasive, condescending and in a way its a form of bullying. It's emotion driven, which is not adult behavior. It's more like a tantrum at his expense.

How "best friend" and "lover" and "Co parent" would you be feeling when your partner does this to you, more than once, and then says they want to "make this work" when you finally have had enough?

Even if it is only a few times a YEAR, it's stinging at best, which hurts, and to some folks, it's traumatizing.

Here's one way of understanding why it's unacceptable AND why it's not effective.

My father was a brilliant, highly educated man, with a very stressful job which he could not discuss with anyone. There were 9 kids born in 12 years (STRESSORS!) and my mother, his wife, wanted a lot more help at home. She was better than I would have been, but she did nag. And my dad was sometimes quite the lecturer and quite the yeller. (Worse at times too, but not relevant here).

When he yelled at me, the actual content of his wording was completely, 100% lost. I simply felt attacked. I defended myself or I left his presence. I always always seethed with rage or sadness or both. Never was I able to examine what his actual anger was about originally, b/c it was so disproportionate, it no longer mattered to me. This is why some forms of "communication" are fundamentally flawed. They sure don't work.

His loss of his temper in my eyes, totally over compensated for any wrong I might have done. So I learned nothing but to resent my dad and stay away as much as possible. He learned nothing but resented it when we'd repeat our mistakes. So he'd yell some more.

For a brilliant guy, he learned slowly...and I did the same thing with my H. NO, I did not yell erratically or go on and on. But I did resent his late work hours and instead of giving him a warm home to return to, I feared that would "reward" him for "choosing work over family."

To be fair, there were SOME times he HAD chosen work (accolades, the challenge, etc) over us. And that's lousy. I know!

But did my tactics help, or hurt my cause, or make no difference? At best they made no difference...for a smartypants like I think of myself, I was also a very slow learner.

I should have had my arms wide & lovingly open to him when he came home, rather than crossed over in anger. I should have provided a home he'd miss when away, b/c what I did for a decade, did NOT work.

Does not matter if I was "right" to feel hurt. DB 101---What matters is my approach failed, and I was too stubborn and prideful to change it. Do what works. Stop doing what doesn't work, EVEN IF you think you are 'right".

Do you want to be right, or happy?

Self control is not something I specialize or even dabble in, really

You say this in a seemingly joking manner. That's serious stuff. (self-control wasn't my strong suit, either) What are you doing about that?

Your H does need to take 100% responsibility for his 50% of the problem but you have no control over that.

While this^^ is inherently true, it's NOT to be said by YOU. IF & When he does admit an error on his end, you can't pounce on it with the scorecard. (LOSE the scorecard! That goes for all of us) See, the thing is, our spouses have their own scorecards and they use different measuring tools and weigh things differently. On THEIR scorecards, we are not winning...hence the need to lose all of them. They hurt marriages, they never help them.


That being said, y

You also have 100% responsibility for your 50% and that's where your focus should remain.

For the foreseeable future, this is the only focus you need to have. YOUR WORK in your sandbox. Don't even look at his to "see if he is growing/working/changing". That is not your job. And moreover, He is NOT here trying to save the marriage; you are.

I would bet that your lack of self-control has your husband walking on eggshells. Life alone is probably better than walking around waiting to step on a landmine.

Your H does need to see that life with you will be different, very different.

Work on you. We each are given one life to control, our own. Specialize in self-control.

This^^ is GOLDEN....take it in and make it part of your new mantra, along with how you will "KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH..."

b/c for him, it's been a rocky road and when inside his own home, he has landed on too many land mines. They hurt and he fears more of them.

I'm going to engage in mind reading for a minute b/c even though we risk a lot when we do it, (i.e., making plans based on assumptions, creating dangerous expectations, etc.)

SOMETIMES we have to wonder about their perspective to try some empathy.

So, MAYBE ----His biggest fear is something along the lines of

"If I go home to the marriage/wife, it'll be more of the same. I'll make a mistake (or wife will say I did) & I will feel hounded and carped at, ("bullied"??) & that cannot be good for the KIDS to see...if wife reverts to her old ways...which I bet she will..."

VERSUS

" IF I LEAVE, then my kids will suffer missing me, and God knows I miss them so much! I cannot stand to be in this position where no matter what I do, I don't get to be happy...all b/c of wife..."

Whenever you two interact, you have the opportunity to show him that his "data" about you is now out of date. It's false. You can ONLY show him this by showing him, not talking to him or telling him that you are now a changed patient woman who holds her tongue and can think in a logical fashion.

You want him to see that you two can problem solve together, that conflicts DO get resolved. Otherwise, no marriage can survive without conflict resolution skills.

The priest who married us was not a warm & fuzzy type. But he said a few useful things and one was "I don't care how often you have conflict; life gives some couples more curve balls than others. All I care about is HOW you resolve those conflicts"...

Hope this helps. Do what works. Let go of failed approaches, no matter how well "deserved" you believe them to be. They did not work so they did not serve you well.

Hang in there & good luck!

[Upwards]

EXCELLENT posts by Labug & 25yearsmlc!! Jenn you need to listen to these ladies, they speak so much wisdom!

Are you both now reconciled?

[25yearsmlc]

As far as I know, La Bug and I are both reconciled. Speaking for myself, that does not mean we have "arrived".

I love my h and he loves me. But we and our m, are always a work in progress. I'm at peace with that, btw.

Our children have some long simmering emotions about the choices H made, and those resurface MORE NOW than before. They were deeply wounded and now feel resentment of him and at times I am pulled in different directions.

I wish I had brought them along with me more, on the whole forgiveness road, and I wish Retrovaille had a family or children piece to it. There, at Retrovaille, I saw my h break down crying, b/c of the damage he'd done to our family and how fearful he was that he had wrecked it all.

They did not see that. I have told them of it, but I wish I had at the time. It felt too intimate to share, then. I felt it was a private matter between h and me.

But I'm not sure I was right. SOME matters are clearly between couples and not for the "family" to know or share, but there are some gray areas I'm not certain of.

La Bug, care to comment or add?