Well, there is a shining light in that sentence: "When he has the money." That does mean you still have time to turn things around. Also, the sentence about he hasn't closed the door. That does suggest he's not as sure as he thinks he is.
hope, I'm sorry. It does s*ck. But, does it really change anything you've been doing? It shouldn't, if you've been acting "as if" you're moving on without him anyway this whole time. You don't have to make any decisions you don't want to make. You don't have to be the one to file. You don't have to be his friend if you don't want to. Reading your earlier posts, it seems like he fluctuated between wanting a D, and then "giving it some thought." So who knows what he'll say tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month? You can still have hope, but maybe set it aside like a shoebox in a closet for now. You recognize it's there, but it's not constantly present.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Thanks for the support, Jenn. I work with a very good friend, so she and I left the office for a couple of hours today and got fries and chocolate milkshakes...total stress-relieving food that I never allow myself! I made plans for tomorrow night, too.
Well, there is a shining light in that sentence: "When he has the money." That does mean you still have time to turn things around. Also, the sentence about he hasn't closed the door. That does suggest he's not as sure as he thinks he is.
Thanks, vossy. He was very specific about the door closing. He said he is closing it for now, but not forever. The time frame that he always mentions is 5 years. He told me that there is no way he will change his mind now because he can't force himself to be "in love" with me and he knows himself and it isn't going to happen. I'm trying not to give up hope, but I'm feeling very hopeless right now.
hope, I'm sorry. It does s*ck. But, does it really change anything you've been doing? It shouldn't, if you've been acting "as if" you're moving on without him anyway this whole time. You don't have to make any decisions you don't want to make. You don't have to be the one to file. You don't have to be his friend if you don't want to. Reading your earlier posts, it seems like he fluctuated between wanting a D, and then "giving it some thought." So who knows what he'll say tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month? You can still have hope, but maybe set it aside like a shoebox in a closet for now. You recognize it's there, but it's not constantly present.
You're right, he's all over the map. He was really hopeful about us right before he moved out, but that was when we were spending lots of low-pressure time together just kind of hanging out. That all stopped when he moved out. He doesn't seem any happier now that he's moved out. I have a theory that he thinks since moving out didn't make him happy, he must need the D, and THEN he'll be happy. I still don't think he's figured out that happiness comes from inside. He's looking for some external circumstance/event/person/thing.
WRT acting "as if," I hadn't been doing a good job of that until about a month ago. It was like I just figured it out one day and started doing it. However, I didn't act "as if" at all today. I didn't do a good job validating.
I don't want him to not be in my life, but I really don't want to settle for a friendship, either. I feel like I would only be using a friendship as a means to an end. I also think any semblance of friendship would be out the window as soon as he started sleeping with someone else. I said as much to him today in a much cruder way today.
I'm just not sure how to act like all I want is friendship. It's not. It feels like settling for crumbs. I like being married. I like having a partner, someone to decompress with at the end of the day. I want to be M to my H, but I don't want to be sitting around waiting for him to figure his sh!t out according to his hypothetical five-year timeline.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making a whole lot of sense today. I'm so worried about my D7. I just heard her tell a friend this weekend that her parents were getting a D.
You sound very similar to me, in terms of your thought process. It's really tough and I have had to make the decision to take things one day at a time. Stressing out about my "next move" and everything just would cause me to break down. Now I try to make sure I am keeping things moving forward at all times, and to treat myself. For instance, if I have a bad day where things don't go as well as I'd hoped in terms of the ex, I find a great movie to watch, or buy myself an unhealthy snack (just like you did) and just make sure that at least *I* am treating myself the right way.
To be quite honest, and I hope you don't take offence to this, but your husband can say he "knows himself" all he wants, but it doesn't sound like he does, given he frequently changes his mind. It just sounds to me like he wants some freedom and independence, all the usual things. It seems to *me* that you are in the perfect position in terms of DB/DR. He seems somewhat sure that in five years, you'll still be in this frame of mind of wanting him back. I wonder what would happen if he could see you "moving on" with life.. even if you're not.. and he could mentally fast forward to 5 years from now. It might scare him.
P.S. Have you ever heard of Leslie Cane? I think you'd find her blog useful.
No offense taken. My H is remarkably un-self aware. I think he's looking for this elusive thing called happiness that he believes you can find and possess.
He did say that if he changes his mind in five years and feels some spark--and I'm not available, then that's his loss. So he has some recognition that the possibility exists that I won't be waiting around. Of course, he also said today that he doesn't want me to sleep with anyone else and that would make him jealous (even a couple years down the line). He literally sometimes contradicts himself from sentence to sentence. It's pretty frustrating. That isn't new behavior, so you'd think I'd be accustomed to it by now.
A friend suggested today that it might be best for me to let the D happen as fast as possible. She thinks when he sees that he's still not just magically happy all of a sudden that he might look back. She also suggested that he might feel that this (a D) is the only thing he has control of that I can't change. So, if I just let it happen, it allows him to feel in control.
I check Leslie Cane's blog every few days and read her posts. I have found it useful and have found that a lot of it lines up with DB.
Your H sounds a LOT like my ex, especially WRT happiness. That has been a key phrase I have heard way too much of.. "I am just trying to be happy," "I just am trying to get my happiness back.." etc.
I read an article the other day that was a little enlightening. Apparently a "study" has found that many Americans, men in particular, feel that happiness is the most important thing, but in actuality, people who search for a "meaningful" life and not a "happy" one are often more satisfied. They used parents as an example. Some parents might not be able to say they are "happy" because parenting is hard, but they do feel that their life means something, because they have a child/children. It is just something to think about, I guess.
I definitely get the impression that your H wants to have his cake and eat it too, a little bit. He sounds very confused, but I feel there are glimmers of hope in there still. It just seems like he's not ready to "come around" just yet.
