I think there is a 3rd option -- the one I most always recommend -- between the A) ignoring and B) revealing your intel.
And that is, the next time she gives you the "just friends" thing, to put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Please STOP IT. Just stop. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful not only to me and to our marriage, but to our family. Look, I know all about you and (OM's first name), and I have for quite some time, to please just stop lying to me -- it insults my intelligence, and frankly, it's not very attractive."
And then, when she presses you, do NOT reveal what you know, and never, EVER reveal the source(s) of your intel.
There are but a few cards the betrayed spouse holds, and one of them is that the wayward spouse doesn't know what you know, and what you DON'T know, so when you tell them you "know everything," they have to operate from a position that that is true.
I ultimately re-confronted my wife about her affair and I specifically honed in about the DECEIT of it all, and I did it this way: I said that if our marriage was indeed going to end, that we needed to be effective co-parents, and that I knew we both wanted what was best for our kids. And that we had ALWAYS told our kids that lying wouldn't be tolerated in our family, and you're not going to start now, with her affair.
And I gave her exactly five minutes to decide to tell her parents and our adult children the truth, or I was going to do it for her, and show them my evidence.
She opted for the truth, to her credit.
That's just me, Zew, and nit84 is right -- YOU have to live with the consequences. Exposing the affair is against DBing, but I don't really see this as exposing her affair to anyone other than THE TWO OF YOU -- husband and wife (still). If the two of you can't call a spade a spade at this point, how can you ever expect to effectively co-parent your children, if the marriage indeed tanks?
I was in a somewhat similar situation to you Zew - at least early on. I think you need to decide when enough is enough.
Can you live in the same house with her and know that she's having an affair and truly be ok with it? Are you REALLY moving on? Is it healthy for you living in this kind of situation? Is it healthy for your kids?
If I am not mistaken, you have asked your wife if she is having an affair before and she has denied it. So on some level, she knows that you know. I wonder if your failure to step up and do something about it doesn't cause her to lose respect for you as a man, or at the very least, think you are a fool to allow her to pull the wool over your eyes.
You are ok with the fact that she's had an affair and are willing to forgive her and try to work on things. Are you willing to allow her to continue to choose the affair over your marriage? I personally could not and it took me a long time to realize the difference. I wanted her to CHOOSE to be with me, to CHOOSE the marriage over the affair. I was not ok with letting her play, decide that the grass wasn't greener and then come back after she's had her fill. I think this type of situation will just lead to another bout of infidelity down the road.
I think you're allowing her to cake eat pretty blatantly and I don't think its doing you (personally) any good, nor is it doing your relationship any good. You hear over and over around here that the LBS holds all the power - once you are willing to really let go. I guess I kind of feel like you need to start putting some pressure on her - not by begging or rationalizing but by taking real steps to show her that you are willing to remove her from your life if she's not willing to play by the rules. In order to do this, you have to be willing to lose her - She needs to experience loss and in order for that to happen, you have to experience it as well.
I might consider confronting her, tell her what you know firmly and unemotionally - so its very clear to her that you do know. I would not produce any hard evidence that indicated you had violated her privacy. Take it from there, depending on her reaction. If she continues to deny then she truly has no respect for you.
Others might disagree but I don't think covering your head with a blanket serves the situation well at all anymore.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
And that is, the next time she gives you the "just friends" thing, to put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Please STOP IT. Just stop. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful not only to me and to our marriage, but to our family. Look, I know all about you and (OM's first name), and I have for quite some time, so please just stop lying to me -- it insults my intelligence, and frankly, it's not very attractive."
I've done the hand thing. Told her I didn't want to hear her lies. She told me I could believe whatever I wanted to. I told her that believing the truth worked best for me.
Didn't really change a thing.
I will never reveal my sources. I could tell her enough about a couple of incidents to convince her she had been seen in public. She'd assume I had her followed.
The real question though is whether I am better off with her knowing that my base assumption is that she is cheating every day she doesn't say she isn't. As I said, the sleep-in WAW isn't an overt cheater. I think it has been way too comfortable.
