W met OM yesterday. She put the "DNA evidence" in a hiding place in the closet last night. I just discovered it and secured it. Legally it can't be used to establish grounds for D with cause, but I can get it tested to determine that it is what it is, and it isn't mine, but it won't come to that.
I can say nothing and let her discover that it is missing, which she may have already, and let her deal with it. That will be the night that she tosses and turns BIG TIME.
OR...
before I discovered this, I was thinking of giving (and reading) her this:
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I understand that you are angry, and I accept my part in our situation. We both repressed things and didn't communicate which led to resentment.
There are no easy decisions at this point: we're at a fork in the road.
Reconciliation path - no going back to what was, that didn't work for us - we can put everything on the table and try to find a better way forward - no guaranteed outcome, but a chance if we really do the work - there are very good programs to help us - worst case - we try for a year and make no progress.
Other path - our issues don't get resolved and everyone suffers - we'll never know if we could have made this better - our legacy will be that we quit without trying everything we could.
Right now, this is the path we are on.
I love you far too much to settle for only part of you. I need all or nothing. You won't give me all of you, so I'm letting go.
You can't have both of us. If you want to change the path we're on, end A then we can move forward. However, I can't wait forever.
This evidence should put a quick halt to any denial of A that happens during that last paragraph.
My live in WAW has taken cake eating to a new level. I think this has been harder than an actual walk out, because at least they have to deal with separation. My W has felt no loss at all.
And yes, I do have a time frame in mind for what I said. If, in the face of evidence, she can't come around by then, then why on earth would I still be here?
Please tell me what I'm not thinking of here, or if there is a way better approach.
The speech wasn't constructed around the evidence. Nor did I expect a response. I know not to expect to talk her out of anything. Each line of that addresses a specific reason she had for thinking that she was beyond the point of no return. That was the "you are here" and I'm moving on thing, and this is the last you'll hear from me for a while until you figure something out.
Honestly, she doesn't know why I've gone dim in LRT. Even though the thought of me is revolting to her, she is clueless as to why I've been scarce. She seems to have never connected that my actions are related to her A, because she thinks she has pulled it off. If I go dim, she says I'm being mean. If I say good night, she thinks I'm being nice. She's having a freaking A, she has to know that I know, but she thinks I have some kind of mental disorder because I seem to treat her differently from week to week.
And the way I have heard her totally misinterpret what I have said before made me want to be absolutely clear in that note what the options were. And I'm going absolutely dim and stepping out, and here's why, since you never understood why I've been giving you space for the last 5 months. Oh, and by the way, the ball is in your court.
I was overcompensating because I think I have to.
But please, 2x6 me a bunch. It's not like I'm thinking clearly after finding this.
Now, on to the evidence.
Of course, it stops any letter from going anywhere.
I'm going to let her discover its absence. Should cause a bit of a panic, methinks.
Could make for a nice video unwrapping too, alongside a DNA report, sent to a couple of phones. But that would be mean. And counterproductive.
And I gave her exactly five minutes to decide to tell her parents and our adult children the truth, or I was going to do it for her, and show them my evidence.
Wondering why you wanted her to tell her parents, or was that just the Harley influence?
Zew - I read these last few posts and am kind of in shock. I am assuming you have some used contraceptive that has his 'DNA' on it but I am not really sure what you intend to prove by that.
Sure, you can get it tested and prove that its not yours but you would need a sample taken directly from him to prove that it matches. Do you think he's likely to submit to a DNA test??
And if he does, what does it really do for you? If you present that evidence for any sort of punitive or legal reasons, I imagine he can simply say that there is no proof of where you acquired it - perhaps you dug through his trash can at his home.
A common phrase around here is to always act with dignity, honor and self-respect and I think some of what you have done is borderline. If you want to mess with her a little bit, fine. But take the thing, throw it out and don't ever tell her you found it. To me its a little creepy and even disgusting that you're saving it.
I still think you need to do what Starsky recommended a few posts ago. If she doesn't admit it then fine, there's nothing you can do about it and it really doesn't change anything anyway. You know she's having an affair and she knows she's having an affair. You still have to do all of the same DB techniques whether she admits to it or not - business and kids, ask her to sleep on the couch, etc. I think you need to get tough and if she claims that you're being mean without justification, so be it. She knows the truth and so do you. Sooner or later, she is going to have to face it.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
And I gave her exactly five minutes to decide to tell her parents and our adult children the truth, or I was going to do it for her, and show them my evidence.
Wondering why you wanted her to tell her parents, or was that just the Harley influence?
Because I decided that I was no longer going to be made the liar in all of this (I had told her parents, and our adult children, that she was having an affair). To our children, it was the premise that even if we were to divorce, in order to effective co-parent we could NOT build a family upon DECEIT, and that we had always made TELLING THE TRUTH a must in our family and I wasn't going to change that now. To her parents, I told her that I loved and respected them far too much to lie to them, and I wasn't going to allow HER to lie to them and tell them "Starsky is crazy -- this guy is just a friend . . . Starsky is NUTS!" etc.
Honestly, she doesn't know why I've gone dim in LRT. Even though the thought of me is revolting to her, she is clueless as to why I've been scarce. She seems to have never connected that my actions are related to her A, because she thinks she has pulled it off. If I go dim, she says I'm being mean. If I say good night, she thinks I'm being nice. She's having a freaking A, she has to know that I know, but she thinks I have some kind of mental disorder because I seem to treat her differently from week to week.
You are totally confusing me, Zew. Just a couple of posts ago, you told us that you've done the "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now" thing, and told her that you know she's having an affair. Now you say "she has no idea why I've gone dim," and you cast some doubt as to whether or not you know.
Jeezus, you're making this thing complicated. Give her the "I know all about you and ______, so stop lying to me" speech once and for all if you want, but I'm about 99% sure that she knows that you know and she simply doesn't care right now.
And no holier-than-thou speech from you is going to MAKE her care! You are trying to present a "cure" to someone who doesn't even admit that they are ill, and even if she did, YOU would be the LAST PERSON (in her current frame of mind( that she would want bringing her the antidote.
You continue to try to come up with a way to present you "this is what it would take" dealbreakers, when she hasn't come to you and asked back into the marriage.
Dingo - her panties in a plastic bag in her purse beside the hamper in our closet.
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You are totally confusing me, Zew. Just a couple of posts ago, you told us that you've done the "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now" thing, and told her that you know she's having an affair. Now you say "she has no idea why I've gone dim,"
It's as if when she denies it, she believes that I don't know. Then, if I LRT and minimize communication, she thinks I am deranged because I should be behaving as normal. I would have expected that she might associate my behavior with me knowing about the A. Apparently, that's an expectation I shouldn't have. But since W denied A, the only explanation for Zew not following normal routine must be that he's crazy. One more good reason to leave. I'm trying to understand the logic in that which has no logic I guess.
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Jeezus, you're making this thing complicated
I think it's especially complicated because she lives at home, and it's the perfect setup. And I keep thinking that if she can't deny the A anymore, she might associate Zew's behavior with the A, and understand that Zew is on the way out. But you're right, she doesn't give a crap, except for that bill paying part, and she's digging in deeper and deeper.
It kills me that it seems that my only options are to wait it out, or go nuclear. Can I not try to end the A by exposing it?
Some laundry day soon, she's going to go to get that bag, and it won't be there. It may be the first time that she accepts that I know about the A. Let's assume she doesn't care. If she tells OM, he might care. Maybe not. It would spook me.
Why do I care? Because it might end A. Exposure usually does that, doesn't it? Am I worse off?
Maybe I shouldn't care. I should just be walking my way down the road, regardless.
