Have you read codependent no more by melodie beattie?
I bought it a week or so ago and have started it. There is lots of great information in the book.
When I posted last night, I didn't mention a phone conversation that I had with H yesterday. I called him because my neice was very unhappy that a particular set of pajamas was left at my house when she was there this weekend. Those PJ's were in the load of laundry that H took to his apartment. D7 and I were on our way home from dinner and pass right by H's apartment and my sister's subdivision to get there. I called H to see if I could pick them up so I could run by my sister's and then go home. He was really rude when he was on the phone. I was calm, but finally said, "Why are you talking to me like this?" He said that he had read the same sentence multiple times because people kept texting him (I was not one of those people) and that he didn't mean to take it out on me. He didn't actually apologize and he was still pretty rude, but I just dropped it. D7 and I stopped by and he brought the laundry out to me. I didn't say anything else about it.
So, a few minutes ago, H called me to apologize for being an "a$$hole" (his word) last night and to reiterate again that it is his responsibility to get his classwork done and that he shouldn't have asked me, even if we were living together. I thanked him for his apology and let it go. That makes two 180's for me: not pressing the issue last night and not continuing to talk about it or explain my feelings when he apologized today. Maybe H thinks more about how he's acting when I say nothing than when I say something...
Yep if you react badly or confront him then he's got even more of a reason (in his head!!) to be an a$$hole - when you don't react the only person he can blame is himself!! Nice work
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
My mind is in a bunch of different places tonight...
H has changed the schedule for this weekend three times now. First he asked me to take Saturday night. Then, he called and asked if he could drop D7 off with me on Saturday at noon. Then, he called and asked if I could just take Friday night, too. I'm glad to have D7, but pretty annoyed with my H for not planning better.
I'm not really sure how to describe H's demeanor lately. He calls me regularly. He tells me amusing stories when he sees me. He even emailed me the other day with a random joke. Sending the joke felt particularly positive because it was one of the things H used to do a lot to brighten my day, but he had backed off from that over the past 12-18 months. He isn't being flirty or affectionate, though. There were a couple of weeks where he was really flirty and affectionate, and then we ML twice, and now--nothing. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hurtful.
Today was a great opportunity for GAL. My company hosts a customer event every spring. I attend to help out and just to interact with our customers. It's a fun event and I really didn't think about my H or my sitch much at all today.
Overall (other than while busy at the even today), I feel like sadness is starting to show up a bit more for me again. I'm not back to being a sobbing mess and I'm still feeling pretty strong, but I'm really feeling sad again.
Thanks, labug. I am getting that it is ok to feel sad, but I'm still trying to make note of when I feel really sad, mostly because that has been leading to anger for me...which has then led to me applying pressure to my H. Which brings me to today. I had a huge backslide. I'm actually pretty embarrassed. I know better than this.
The apartment that my H moved into is located right across the street from my sister's subdivision, so she drives by it all the time. She was at my house this morning and mentioned that H's car wasn't there at 6:30 last night. I was keeping D7 on his weekend (again) so that he could study and then take a test for his online class. He was supposed to be at my house before lunchtime today to pick up D7. I sent a text at 11 am and got no response. After my sister made this comment, I left to go to the store, which also requires me to drive by H's apartment. His car wasn't there (at least where I could see it). I called him and he didn't answer. I called him again and he still didn't answer, but sent a text message about 30 seconds later telling me he was just waking up and would be at the house in about an hour. By this point, I was really suspicious about what was going on. He has insisted repeatedly that there is no one else and I haven't seen anything suggesting that there is, but I often wonder, particularly when he stops being flirty/affectionate with me.
So, H finally gets here and is exhausted, supposedly from being up until 2:30 am working on school work. He fell asleep on my couch while D7 was eating lunch. I finally woke him up because we were supposed to be taking D7 shopping for shoes. He was in a terrible mood. He asked me to drive. While in my car, he commented that the A/C was going out. I said that I knew but couldn't afford to get it fixed right now. Then, he said I just needed to buy a new car. I replied that I couldn't afford that right now either. He was really rude and said, "I just won't talk anymore."
So, we got to the shoe store and H was short with both me and D7. He sat down on one of the benches and just had a generally bad disposition. Still, I didn't say anything. On the way back to my house, we were both completely silent. Admittedly, I didn't have a good PMA; I was fighting back tears the whole time. As soon as we got back to the house, he told D7 it was time to go. She gave me a hug and then went to his car. When I got inside the house, I immediately started crying. Then, I realized that D7 needed her backpack and medicine. I wiped my eyes and took them outside to give them to H. He could tell that I had been crying. He said, seemingly annoyed, "Why are you crying?" I said, "it doesn't matter." He mumbled something under his breath and then told me D7 was crying, too.
I then sent to the following text:
There are so many reasons why I'm crying, so I'll just share a few:
I got to hear D7 try to explain twice yesterday why her daddy moved out and it is heartbreaking for her to have to navigate that.
I got my head bitten off because I was honest enough to say I can't afford to get my air conditioner fixed or buy a new car. I'm not sure why that deserved a rude comment.
I don't like having to say goodbye to D7. It isn't right.
I wish you'd have told me you weren't going to make it last night instead of waiting until almost 9 pm.
Mostly, I'm afraid to talk to you about any of this because you don't feel like it, are too exhausted, have too much on your mind, are too busy, or will just tell me again that you want a divorce.
Oh, and it's that time of the month.
And it just felt like two strangers sitting in the car because you are so far away from me.
He responded 15 minutes later:
Sorry was just a little tired. I don't like that D7 has to try to explain that either. Sorry about your car. I understand the frustration. And sorry about last night, I was working on school stuff and lost track of time, then realized my phone was dead.
To put the last night thing in context, H was supposed to come tuck D7 into bed at 8 pm as usual. He didn't show up. I texted him at 8:30 and asked if he was alive. He responded twenty minutes later that his phone was dead and to tell D7 he'd see her today. She didn't even notice last night because she was outside late playing with her friends, but that really isn't the point because he didn't know that. It's really frustrating that his only priority in life right now is himself.
I've had a headache for three days and I'm hormonal, but that just feels like me making excuses for doing something I know I shouldn't have done. I haven't responded to H's text from 20 minutes ago, which is different for me. Normally, I can keep these text arguments going for hours. I'm just so tired of not knowing what's going on. I do not want a D, but some days I think that would be so much easier than trying to make things work. I'm tired and lonely and sad. And I deserve so much better than what he has to offer right now.
I don't feel like being hormonal is just an excuse. It's real. It has the same affect on me.. and it's beyond your control, sadly. The only good thing about it is you can know when it's coming and perhaps learn to pull back during that time.
I don't think that is a "huge backslide". You are human. You told H how you are feeling and he responded. Forgive yourself for what you feel your faults are today and move forward on your path. you are doing the best you ca. keep your head up
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Thanks, vossy and paul! H has acted completely normal (or as normal as he acts now) in all of our interactions since then and I haven't mentioned anything, so I think it wasn't as big a backslide as I thought.
I need some advice:
D7 hasn't been talking much about the sitch at all and seems mostly unaffected. I don't actually believe that she's unaffected, but she has seemed to adjust far better than I thought. So, tonight at bedtime, she said, "I wish Daddy would come back to our house." She went on to tell me that she's tired of switching back and forth from Mommy to Daddy and it is confusing for her. I validated everything she said and listened for as long as she wanted to talk about it. At one point, she said that she wishes she could spend a month with one of us and then a month with the other. That obviously wouldn't be good for her, but it does make me wonder if there is a better schedule. Right now, we have a 2-2-5 arrangement. I have her on Mondays and Tuesdays. H has her on Wednesdays and Thursdays. We alternate Friday-Saturday-Sunday. I really don't like the idea of a week-on/week-off schedule, but wonder if that may actually be better for her. D7 also said that it would be easier if it was the end of the 4 months and Daddy would just come home. I asked her why she said 4 months and she said that is what Daddy said. H and I never discussed a specific time period; his lease is for one year. We had a conversation about summer camp earlier today and it was clear from the conversation that he still anticipated separate finances over the summer. He's been gone for four months now. I'm really unsure where that timeframe came from.
I think this is something I need to talk to H about. I think we should definitely discuss the schedule. I'm not sure how much of D7's conversation to tell him about. Do I tell him that she mentioned that she wants him to come home? What about the idea of 4 months? I think he should know what she's saying, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to make him feel guilty (which has been a complaint of his). Thoughts, anyone?
H told me a couple of hours ago that he definitely wants a divorce and is filing as soon as he has the money. He thinks it will be easier to be friends now that he has decided. He needs to do this so the healing can begin. Oh, and he hasn't closed the door on us years down the road, but he has for now.
