Well h showed up today. As I said I wasn't sure but he was here first thing in the morning before I got home from work. Told d he got here early to mow the lawn, that is already mowed. LOL
Anyway, we had the chat. I'll try to keep this brief. I didn't handle everything as well as I would have liked but I did the best I could.
H wanted to sit outside and talk. Still no ring on his finger and he's not saying anything so I just couldn't stop it and asked him if the marriage is over. He said no, that's what he wants to talk to me about. That he misses me, d, the family, being home and he'd like for us to spend time together and work toward him coming home. I said that was fine - his timeline is 2 weeks. Now I'm not holding out any hope for that one.
He brought up the boyfriend thing and I told him I was sick of hearing it and what was the reason he keeps asking. He said he shouldn't ask but he does because he doesn't want me to have a boyfriend because if I did he couldn't ask to come home.
I told him of my possible promotion and he asked if that would be full time. I said yes and he said my hours were good right now and I said that doesn't pay the bills. He said it would in 2 weeks.
He also said he believes our therapist did a lot of harm. Yeah, I agree there. One IC session and he was done with the marriage. But anyway.
As the day progressed the tension was building. He reverted back to his teenage self, spending 2 hours setting up his stupid iPhone.
He looked horrible. My h, as everyone's here, is a good looking guy, or was. He's gained a ton of weight and has bags galore under his eyes. I'm pretty sure he's drinking pretty heavy as is my IC.
I think he's trying really hard to fight his way through this, but I don't think his 2 week timeline is going to pan out. But he did tell me there is no ow now or was there ever, it is just him.
When we were talking I did apologize for making him feel he needed to leave. He said it wasn't me, but him. That yes we did need to treat each other better and we were both too wrapped up in ourselves but that the reason this happened was mostly him. It's the first time he's admitted any responsibility. Of course, he didn't need to take it all. I'm more than willing to share that.
I think he does want to come home, but he's just not ready yet. At least maybe we can talk once in a while until he can get through this. I was no contact until this, but I will be a bit flexible and if he contacts me I will respond, but I think it might be best to let him initiate.
Tears, Sure your h misses the family and home. He's discovering that life on the other side of the fence isn't as green as he thought it was. I would be very cautious about allowing him to return home too quickly. If you already have boundaries in place, keep them in place once he returns home. Your h needs to prove to you that he is trustworthy and can do the hard work of reconciling and respecting you for the person you are. He will need to be transparent in what he's doing and in most cases, provide you w/the pass codes to his cell, computer, etc. Just remember, actions speak louder than words.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I plan on being very careful. As I said he make think 2 weeks, but I don't know that it will happen. He was very open and apologetic at the beginning, but as the day progressed I could see his comfort level diminish.
I have taken a step back again and just following his lead for right now. If he calls, great, I'll answer. If he doesn't, then I'll just leave it alone.
He knows I'm in therapy and has asked about it, but to this point I don't tell him anything about it. Maybe it's something in the future he might want, but that will be for him to bring up.
And yes, transparency on his part is a must. I don't believe there is ow. But I know I could be wrong about that. I don't want to know the details of what he's been doing, I don't want to live in the past, but to move forward, you are right, he will have to be transparent.
Well h did call today as he said he would and set up another day together on Friday. He doesn't sound as thrilled as he was last week. No lovey dovey names anymore.
My bigger problem is d15 is very mad at me. She doesn't want to see him, and is mad she has to see him again. I'm not sure how to deal with her feelings. She's been through enough and I don't want to add to it.
How do you help your children through this? Her dad has been very critical of her and doesn't keep in close contact and it's really taken it's toll. Now she feels like she can't trust me. I don't know what to do or how to work through this with her.
Well I've had a pretty rough weekend. H showed up Friday, talking reconciliation still, but it just doesn't seem like his actions match his words.
We talked a bit about our relationship and what he told me was it's all my fault, he says he was perfect (his word) in the marriage and I've always been a pain.
He didn't show up for sons surgery and is still downing d15 to the point she never wants to see him again. He insisted we go see son yesterday together. I didn't want to - I told him I don't want the kids to think we are getting back together and he said we are getting back together so what's the big deal? Is this man deranged?
He admitted that he's drinking again. Seemed to think it was funny. No h, not funny, your an alcoholic. Said I make him mad because I don't like his only friend, his 23 yr old buddy who he has a bromance with.
Needless to say, I took a big beating yesterday, although I didn't go into detail but feel free to ask questions. I'm having a really hard time today with my emotions. I'm so hurt by the things he said and the way he treated d. And then he has the nerve before he leaves to remind her to tell him Happy Fathers Day. This after he had just told her she's just like her f-ing mother, an f-ing smart ass. Nice thing to say to your kid that you hardly see.
My IC says that he believes there is still hope if h will get help. That this is not just mlc but also dealing with his behavior from drinking. I really just don't know how much more emotionally I can handle from him.
Things have gone from bad to worse. Yesterday while I was at work h decided again, after being told before about scheduling visitation) to just show up to see d15. Things did not go well, she is calling and texting me at work while I'm in a meeting, saying he's being mean, busted into her room, threatened to take away her phone, our internet, etc. Told her there was nothing I could do about it as I need his permission to do anything. Poor d15 actually had to tell him to leave. Very bizarre behavior.
Threatened that he would make her stay with him in his one room motel for the summer and there was nothing I could do about it.
When d15 let me know he was gone, about 1/2 an hour after he had arrived, I texted him about how inappropriate that was and reminded him this is his daughter. He said he was sorry. He was being mean to her because she was mean to him. REALLLY? Who's the adult here?
Of course d15 was crying when I got home and she doesn't want to see him again. He's really gotten so much worse and I don't understand why he keeps putting us through this. I leave him alone. There's no reason for this.
D5 didn't call him for Father's Day and I guess that's what sparked it because d said he was yelling at her about it and telling her that he's a great dad and he see's her all the time (not sure what world he lives in) and she was terrible for not calling him. In his text to me about it he said, and his exact words - I guess I should just be glad the other 2 texted me. The OTHER TWO. LOL Yeah, your a world class dad. Didn't show up for son's surgery, don't talk to your kids but maybe once a month if that, which is why he doesn't even know our son was rushed to the emergency room on Monday 5 days after surgery due to complications. (He's fine now). Didn't know that d15 had the flu a few weeks ago (that's because he only calls her every one or two weeks, maybe). Yep, that puts you in the award winning dad category.
She is rebelling against therapy, but I'm slowly getting her to come around. I have already decided he is not to see her alone again. D15 is happy about that. He can't control me or our older kids so he is playing that game with d15 and he gets mad because she doesn't comply.
He stepped over the line and I won't let it happen again. This is why I told him that he needed to schedule visitation through me and not d15 so there would be no problems. But he couldn't abide by that.
This really shocked me. He has never treated our children in this manner. D15 is pretty spoiled or I should say was pretty spoiled by h and me and her brother and sister because there is such an age difference and she was a miracle baby. For her dad to turn on her like this is really crazy.
Both d28 and s25 have expressed concerns previously regarding h being alone with d15. They said they just weren't comfortable with their dad's behavior, he wasn't the same man. I guess they were right. It really broke my heart when d28 said she would never leave our granddaughter alone with her dad. He used to help me babysit her and at times would go and pick her up himself. How sad that things have come to this.
I'm so sorry to hear about the latest developments, Tears. I was so hoping when he had that talk with you that maybe, just maybe, there would be a better ending then we mostly seem to hear about on here. Is it possible that he started drinking again BEFORE the MLC really took off? I work with an alcoholic who is such a smart, together person when he is sober. When he falls off, he becomes so totally different!
MLC is such a hard thing for them to get through on it's own. When you add in drinking it must really make it so much harder. My oldest D18, had a bad time when she was 15. She was acting out and we went at it a few times but I never would have spoke to her like that. I remember one time I cursed at her after I found out she snuck out and spent the night with her boyfriend when she was supposed to be at a friends house. I STILL feel bad when I think about that.
I now know that a big part of her acting out was her mom. She had started to spend all her time at work and with her new friends and never had time for her. But every time I tried to set boundaries with my D, my W would step in and over-rule or undermine me. It was the one big thing my W and I fought about. After B-day, I stopped letting my W influence or over-rule me with her and she (D18) and I have a GREAT relationship today. She wanted boundaries and when my W started wanting her "freedom" felt badly about not letting her live the way she secretly was wanting to live her life. She graduated from a really excellent private HS this year with a 3.6 GPA.
It sounds to me like your H isn't ready to come home as hard as that is to realize. He isn't done "baking" yet and coming back now might be the thing that seals the END of any hope for the M to work. He needs to get a handle on his drinking and start to deal with his MLC more than saying "You were to blame".
The one good thing I see (although I'm no expert, remember that!) is if he does want to come home, really does, maybe that will help him to start dealing with his own problems. It sounds like he has at least started to see that just running away won't work and he isn't suddenly "happy" because he left you and his family.
I wish I had more or knew how to help, truly I do Tears. Just hang in there and keep believing in YOU. I hope your S is OK now and remember your D15 needs you now more than ever. I'm praying for you!
