Thank you for your advice. It is all very baffling. I'm doing my best to learn how to detach and I'm getting better. NC is not a problem for me because honestly I'm in actual fear (emotional not physical) anytime I have to communicate with him. Just waiting for the next blow. Trying very hard to keep it together for our d. I get frustrated when my emotions take over and I'm trying to be a little more forgiving of myself on that. I'm not quite there yet which I think is why I have so many ups and downs. H still hasn't replied to my boundary setting for visitation with our d. I'm not surprised. He acts like he's 2. Because I don't reply to his texts of "how are you doing" he is now not responding to me. So stupid. His co-parenting leaves a lot to be desired.
I am new to this but have reading alot of threads. Very helpful. My H declared he has been working on your marriage for years and cannot do it anymore. (wish he would have told me he was working on it). He moved out of bed end of march and things have progressed very slow. We do counseling for our kids but lots of good internal reflection has come out of on my end. We both see a counselor separately. I started the process like everyone else begging,crying the whole bit. Progressed to showing I care which didn't work so I am doing the 180 and disengaging. Trying to go about my life. Hardest thing to do is to pretend to be happy. We have 3 kids together and right now all they know is mom and dad are having problems and dad is sleeping in the spare room. Although H has made it clear that he is not working on us. I struggle everyday and hope for a reconciliation but it looks bleak. We always had an up and down marriage like lost people. I feel like our counselor really opened our eyes to the root of the problem.....communication or lack of. Along with busy life. I think he gave us a good foundation to work from. But again H feels like he has tried and has nothing else to give. I'm so frustrated that I feel like giving up sometimes. What really is the stats of people reconciling because I feel hopeless.
I have no idea about the stats Momo. But I'm so sorry you find yourself here going through this. Hopefully counseling will help and your h will open up to it. My didn't. He used it with no intention of trying to reconcile but only to finish things off. My h told the counselor he had no intention of changing anything about himself and that I was the whole problem. My h also never told me there were any issues in our marriage prior to the bd. I am struggling also to try and put h out of my mind and move on. He hasn't filed for divorce yet although I have a feeling that will be coming soon and I won't fight him on it. It's not what I want but I also don't want to be in a loveless marriage. Now I just have to wrap my mind around the end of my marriage so I can move forward. Not being given a chance to try and resolve issues and hopefully look forward to a better and happier marriage is the biggest punch in the gut.
Hi, & sorry to find you here- along with the rest of us. it's such a bust, finding out you have a crazy mate. Good news is that this forum and the people here , sharing their stories, have helped a heck of alot. maybe i wouldn't have made it so far if not for this forum and some of the friends i've made. and the outlook & attitude moderation you can get from the shared stories.
i'be been here for almost three years- i'm sorry to report it doesn't come quickly- the detachment. i was wondering today if i'm detached or not. i'm certainly less wounded and really in anguish than a few years ago. i used to think perhaps i'd just die from grief. i'd say it was about 2.5 yrs before i was anhything like near "detachment". i don't think i'm totally there, because i just found myself wondering if h down in fl (i'm in nj) - (he comes and goes (!!??) was going to see ow- and how much i detest it. good news is i'm not bleeding - bad news is, i thought about it. I am not enraged - but i do not like it one bit. i am not "getting used to" anything about this mld. i'm just tolerating it all til i see my way clerly ahead. awaiting wisdom here... tick toc tick toc
i wonder if we ever reach a totally detached state. lots of folks say they do. we all pray for it i guess.
I like Italian's comment:
Quote:
I don't want this new, mean, horrible person. I want the person he was before! Where did it go? Is it dead for good? Was it never there and I just had 'salami slices in front of my eyes' (as we say in Italy!) because I was in love?
i've definitely had salami over my eyes for about 36 years - talk about wtf???? i have a head full of salami apparently. i wonder too, today, where he went? is he in there? only God knows probably. maybe i i magined it all.
hang in there- expect the worst. and yet, what? don't become a person without hope ??? hard to get it rite- just takes time. lots and lots of time.
i'm pretty hopeful and optimistic person. this has me about giving up - but i'm still dbing - wondering if i'm nuts or him. (well, i know he is- but what does this make me?) i guess i'll find out "in the end".
hang on- you sound pretty normal and strong- it stinks and just like mwd says in book, no matter how long & awful - it feels about a million times more awful & waaay waaaay longer than eternityu. ta da - light and cheerful- that's me - ha. true...
Things have just gotten worse. H picked up d15 today for visit, it only lasted 3 hours. She said he has his own bank account now which is where all the money went that he took out of the bank. She said he spent the whole time he was with her texting someone and complaining about d15. She said he never once asked her how she was. She said she was almost in tears in wanted to come home. She said he asked her if I was dating and if I went out and where I went and what I did. Said he was worried about my emotional stability. WHAT??? D15 is scared. She says she thinks he is trying to find a way to not pay support and possibly get custody of her so he doesn't have to pay. She said she doesn't want to see him again. Then to top that off he has the nerve to just walk in my house when he brings her home. And asks me how I am, which I didn't respond to. I continued with the laundry and he went off to the bathroom. I went to our room to hang up my laundry and when he comes out of the bathroom he asks d where I am and she say in the bedroom and guess where prince charming heads to? I guess he thought he'd get a little cake eating in. Well, wrong because I was just headed out the door and kept on going, almost ran him over. I get he doesn't want me anymore, but why the nastiness? Why the lying about funds and making it difficult on me and d? I have not done anything to him for this type of behavior. I have left him alone and not said one word about his lies or the fact that he has not kept up the financial agreement we made. Not even close. I am making it so easy for him so why is he making it so hard for me? Is that part of mlc or just how men behave when they leave?
Hey Tears. Sorry to hear about your daughter and her interaction. Your H will regret that at one point. Hopefully.
Why? Nobody knows why they take it out on those closest. They just do. It's par for the course, so to speak.
You did a great job handling it. You still are, although I know it feels horrible.
You can't help him with this. Remember that. This is his trip, and you can't go along. Nor would you likely want to.
In time and with effort you'll learn to detach. But know that he is not in his right mind. Don't expect him to be and it'll be much easier for you to detach.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I was told it would only get worse, I just didn't think it would with my h. Oh no, not him. Stupid.
I think I will be detaching at an alarmingly fast rate now. I'm actually moving from hurt and disbelief to anger and disbelief. He is swatting at a hornet's nest.
I've kept it civil and polite and left him alone and I will still leave him alone but the gloves are off concerning finances and it's time to involve the lawyer and get that taken care of and make sure I have custody of our d.
Hi Tears, Just so you know that what you are dealing with and how your H is acting isn't uncommon....my W of 20 years has said and done all the same things. She still lives with me which, if you can believe it, makes things worse at times. Her MLC started about 3 years ago after a long bout with depression. She totally stopped doing things with me and our 2 D's, now 18 and 14. After B-day I have heard that she has "tried" so very hard to make our M work. I didn't see her once "try". She now tells me that the reason she stopped doing things as a family was because she no longer could stand being around me! No matter that she told me how much she loved me many, many times, no, she hated being with me so much she stopped being a mother, going to school meetings and events, wouldn't take the time away from her new "friends" to even spend the day with our D's without me. But, it was because of ME that she did those things.
She tells me how much she enjoys doing things with me and still wants to be friends. (This after saying the above about hating being around me) She gets jealous of the time I spend with the kids and hates that our youngest doesn't want to do things with just her. What does she expect, she stopped acting like a mother long ago. Of course, this is my fault. One morning after we had a fight, I started taking my frustrations out on my D. She was running late for school (again) and I yelled at her. When we were in the car on the way I realized what I was doing and I started to cry. NOT because of my W, because of what I had just done to my D. I apologized to my D and told her that it wasn't her fault. Now, months later, my W brings this up and says I'm hurting our D by "weeping" in front of her because I can't handle she no longer loves me! Here is a woman who is doing things that hurt her D's and says "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it" and I'm hurting them by "weeping" in front of her.
She lies and then says it wasn't a "lie" she just changed her mind about what she was going to do and just didn't tell me. If I don't agree with what she thinks is best for our D, I'm trying to make my D hate her mother. She hides money and over spends and if I tell her that she needs to be careful as we just don't have the money and she will over draw the checking account, I'm trying to "control" her.
All this and she still thinks she is doing everything so well so we can have a D that doesn't damage the kids. Try not to expect that he will be any different. I also thought "Oh, it won't get worse. Not with HER. She will be good about all this." and all that did was end up kicking me in the butt.
He really believes that what he does, no matter how the rest of the sane world would see it, is right. If he can't blame you for why he "feels" the way he does he would have to look inward and he wouldn't like what he finds and he knows it. So much easier to blame the horrible spouse. It sounds like it's time to start protecting yourself and your D and at least talk to a lawyer. I didn't do this as my W swore she wasn't going to do that, at least not yet and less than a week later she went to a lawyer and suddenly was in a big hurry to start moving things along.
I know how much this hurts, really I do. My M went from her swearing that she had no thoughts of D or separation to 12 weeks later B-day and she wanted NOTHING but a D. No MC, no trying to work on our problems. I think like my W does about me, that your H thinks you will always be there for him at least as a friend or any way HE chooses, doesn't matter what he says or does.
And when it comes to custody, at least in my state, it's very hard for a man to get custody even when he is the better parent. At least you have that in your favor. Document everything, all the financial stuff, the not showing up to be with D, the not even calling. It stinks that you now have to worry about this as well but again, it's him that is doing the damage, not your fault. Hang in there Tears, you'll make it through and be better for it!
i know, it's amazingly nutty the stuff they say and do. my h wwas downright nasty a few times (soooo out of character) that was when i'd just found out- i guess his guilt made him rotten and lashing out. like you- i am personally the creator of alllllll his problem sin life.
he used to be so nice and normal-ish and sane. he was awful for a long time- i am not sure how what the heck i have here. i am biding my time - i have no firm plan of what the heck i'm doing. we don't have kids and we were together for about 38 or so years (still are-ish) so he could walk the heck out any time he wants. i, like you, am mad about it all and he knows it- but i'm not nasty or making it all difficult.
it's just some giant $crew job they feel compelled to do to us. idk if it's their guilt- or they have no co nscience at all and are merely following their childish instinct to " have fun" for a change. (ya know- af ter all that time being tortured by little ole us).
if it wasn't so damn sad for us all- i'd laugh at how very alike they are, the formula they follow- the stupid things they say and do and hoooowwwww like the other guy it is - it is a laugh. just awfully sad tho.
oh well- i've come to believe it is truly insanity of a type. i don't like it or dealing with it. once you don't have reason to use in dealing- what the hedk does one do? it's been thelongest most awful coupld years of my life- and a darn shame it was also the last couple years of my mom's life. she was no walk in the park- but my being stunned and near dead with grief didn't help much. o h well huh? we do what we can.
hang on man- idk how the heck long my h has been all unhapy and this was brewing- years & years i'd say. i was llovingt and trusting and cutting him some slack. i was a fool of major proportions. oh well again-
ya love someone- you trust them - who wouldn't - rite?
it's hard on your daughters I know, tht would make me really see red. they probably can understand tho, the "I didn't break him- i can't fix him" thing here. it's true- some people just slide off the deep end with mlc- wonder truly what the heck it is. me, i think it's just and easy "fix" to whatever is eating them. lost job, tubby, bored, you name it. some onme was saying on this forum that it's alot of work to change themselves and all the stuff that "isn't working" - so they just change the audience and they're all new and wonderful to someone new.
made me think of my sitch. i wonder if it will ever lose it's "shine" to him- or if it's a lost cause.
i still can't decide- someday i'll become "wise" and kn ow which way im going i'm sure. (or he'll just chuck it all and i'll e here sayhing wtf???
oh well- there's only so much in life we can control- and other people and their hearts & brains isn't one of the things.
good luck- hang on and take care. the detachmet didn't come quickly for me- i still wake up at nite and the bad half of my brain nags the life out of the sane half to do something- walk away- blow up- SOMETHING.....anything...
I'M TRING to be sane and not do anything til i'm soooo absolutely sure there is not one shred of doubt. am i right or wrong- who the heck knows??? not me man- i keep telling myself i can always leave tomorrow.
