Well, here I am somewhere I don't want to be. After 29 years of marriage my h has left. I got the "I love you but not in love with you". It's a bit of a long story but I will try and condense it as best I can. H's father died many years ago and his mom just passed 2 years ago. 6 months after his mom passed he had a mini stroke. In October I had no choice but to leave a very good job and at the same time h had just moved to a new company. We have a d15. So lots of stressors in the last couple of years. I was a bit depressed over my job loss and feeling a bit insecure so right at Valentine's Day h asked me if he should send his female boss (who he couldn't stop talking about) flowers for Valentines. I said no, you don't send your boss anything for Valentines. Then I found out he did it anyway and got suspicious and checked his phone and email. I have never done that before. There was some stuff I thought was inappropriate and confronted him about it and he got mad. We had a fight and he left but came back a bit later and said to just forget it like it had never happened. So I wrote him a letter and apologized for doing that and explained I was just feeling insecure and being stupid and I wouldn't do it again. The next day when he read the letter he flew off the handle. That's when he left and gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore", locked me out of our cell phone plan. The first 4 weeks he came over every Sunday, called and was all over me and acting jealous about where I'd been, etc. I was in counseling at this time and he said he wanted to go, too. Bad move. After first session together, he seemed happy about it and thought we could work things out, but after his ic he took off his ring and said we are done. Actually he made an appointment for us together, but had already taken off ring and so I knew he was going to waylay me at therapy, which he did and the therapist was so kind to tell him how to divorce me online so it would be cheaper. Anyway, here we are now, and he still wants sex when he comes over, which is now sporadic, as well as keeping in touch with our kids is also hit and miss, but he hasn't mentioned the d word again, but he certainly doesn't keep in contact with me anymore. My heart is broken and I don't understand all this. I've read Divorce Remedy, about 10 times now. I've made goals of which I've reached none. I understand if this is a mlc that it is somewhat different, but I don't know if it is a mlc or if he just hates me. He certainly isn't telling me anything. I need help.
Welcome Tears. Very sorry you're here, but glad you found this place.
Have you seen the postings by Cadet? I think that might help.
Throughout this, have you decided what it is you want in the long-term? Have you wrestled enough with the idea that it isn't you? It doesn't sound like it's about you to be honest.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
No, I haven't. Is there a way to look Cadet up, I'm not familiar with this forum yet. I've been told it sounds like mlc and right now I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to learn how to deal with it. Still struggling with the idea that it's not me as I know I can be a pain in the butt. But so can he. I'm working on improving the qualities about myself that I don't like and trying to learn how to interact with h in a better way. But I'm struggling a lot. Lots of setbacks. But I cause those myself and can't seem to quit because I focus too much on h. I mean, I don't pester him or call him or bother him in anyway, it's that he's always in my head.
1) This isn't about you. Most likely he's infatuated with the boss, whether there is or isn't anything going on between them. And most likely he's depressed and that infatuation is acting like a drug.
2) This doesn't mean you're off the hook - if there are things you know you are responsible for in the relationship, fix them.
3) You said he had a ministroke - strokes can sometimes cause personality changes. Did they put him on any new medications after the stroke? Medications can also cause changes.
Yes, he even transferred out of her area after he left.
I have identified what I am responsible for and am working on those things. At least those thinks I think have been problematic as h has said nothing other than he has no input with our d (which is not true) and I'm controlling, yes, because he works many hours and someone has to keep up the house and chores and school stuff after work. That fell to me and I would ask for his input on things but he wouldn't give any. But I've been working on the controlling part anyway because there's always room for improvement. They did not put him on any medications after the stroke. But I have learned that they now believe that mini strokes can cause personality changes where they once believed that wasn't true. But I could find nothing on whether these are permanent or not, but that if this occurred they would need help. Some of these changes, irritable behavior, being nasty to family, kind of checking out slowly was before the stroke. I chalked it up to stress and being tired, but I shouldn't have. Although those things were certainly a contributing factor I'm sure. But I think it was coming on since the year before his mom died. His best friend for the last 2 years is 21 years old and that friendship has become even closer. It's very weird. H took d15 out for dinner tonight and she said he was texting with him all the way home. Even told her his buddy said to say hi to her and she doesn't even know the guy. Maybe it's not o/w? LOL
so sorry to find you here- BUT it'll help you alot to have the support and kindness of people here. it's been a life saver for me. just to feel understood in all this insanity. and it is a world of insanity and pain.
i know how the grief consumes you . i felt like i might spontaneously die any minute - or that a hole would open up in the earth and swallow me - for the first year or two. i never thought i'd make it thru so far -
i'm approaching third year- my h, it turns out- cheated a long long time- i never ever knew. i trusted completely- always- for about 36 years. he has not cleared out of my life totally- he still has ow -i still don't like it a bit- but i haven't left either. i do not pretend to know what i'll do "in the end" or he will either.
he is nicer than a few years ago- his criticism and temper and "hell" life is less when we're together.
i'm, not saying i'm "cured" or that my life is "fixed" or he's "cured" or anything else other than- good for you finding this place because it's been a sanity saver for me.
i ended up getting several mwd books- i like her philosophy and feel i can see that her advice applies to things. when i don't talk- i see it's better. when i don't "take the bait" - i could see it was better. I said my piece, didn't beg or plead or try to convince. it was a better result than when i'd try and have a relationship talk, etc. it is some good common sense stuff..
she is right on point with alot she says and observes. i'm not a perfect one at carrying everything out- my life is still quite a mess - my h i cannot imagine where this will end up- it's such a giant mountain of c rappola. s ome days i am overwhelmed by it all- most days i manage to keep busy and get on with my life, have some good friends who've held my hand- mostly it'll be you talking to your self- and keeping self "even" when possible.
but - this forum- lots of interesting stories, good advice, some bad advice, some patient, kind people that restore your faith in humanity- some bossy-boots. take what you need and what applies - it will help you a heck of alot, no kidding.
take what you can use and let them alllll help you. i can't even go back and read my posts in beginning- i was "bleeding"allover the place- i'm trying to forget that part of my past, i don't have a plan for future and i'm getting good at trying to stay in the moment. it's a better way to go about it.
all you have to do is stay alive today, try to sleep tonite and if you can find something good in this day- about your life (which you probably can) stop and notice it and try to enjoy it (hard i know) - but try.
someone told me early early on- view it like a car crash. (i can't remember it properly - but sometyhing like: first are you alive? staunch the bleeding, breath; then worry about getting up, figuring what's the damage, how to proceed, etc.
just wanted to say hey- and that you've done a good thing for self- getting yourself into this place. good luck- these guys are nuts, make no mistake- when mwd says it'll be the hardest thing you've ever done or endured in your life- she's not kidding.
i guess i do think , th o, that after soooo many good years, i can try and suck up a few bad and see at least - where it all ends up. i guess no one just gets to be happy their whole life- tho finding out your life might have been a giant sham isn't so nice either- so, here's me , takin my lumps in the form of some truly hell years- i think i've got a way to go- i'm tired as hell of this, it stinks and no one should have to endure it- but i'm still alive - i am "better" and my heart is less torn open and who knows, how it all will end??? not me- hope any of that made sense- i'm so bored by my own "story" - but wanted to say being here is best move you could be making at this time- hold on- we all can get thru this somehow -
Hi Tears, I'm so sorry you're here. Cadet will post homework for you to read shortly - do the homework! It's one of the things that has helped most of us through this, educating ourselves on what's going on and then accepting that it isn't our fault (the LBS...left behind spouse). You have come to a good place and I would suggest reading everything you can here, then also post and the vets will offer guidance and we'll all offer support. You're not alone.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I'm technically 3months in and still have dramas. Eating is really odd, but I've lost a huge amount of weight. Which helps, while I feel I'm starving, being someone who gained and lost but mostly gained and has been heavy all my life, this has been a blessing in a way.
There will be positives, and negatives. Just don't let it end your world. Most things aren't fatal until we are dead. While it seems bad and like death you are stronger than you ever know.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
The bits I like best on my bd, was I will have a gf and you will be my best mate (insert all good bits from r here - ml) and we will do x y z etc.
Stupid me fell for the we will still do xyz and asked well lets do xyz. To be told um no, not ok. I fell for the pretty picture complete with there has been no ow all along.
Wrong. They tell porkies. Even tho I knew it from here, I kept thinking, nah can't be. I just count the lies, and think how stupid are you a kid or a grown man!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Thanks all, My BD was also 2/14. I'm still in a daze sometimes. It's very difficult and emotionally I run the tracks from fine, to sad, to despondent, to angry, heartbroken, lost, confused. My h thinks I should be just fine with it all and we should be friends. Right. How does that work? He's been from being jealous and couldn't leave me alone, to hating me, to pretending concern, and now he's playing the I'm going to make sure you are taken care of, but who knows how long that will last. I try to just ignore it all. He lies about the dumbest stuff and his lies are all so very bad. I've learned to ignore it. He called me today to tell me about some finances and said he didn't tell me about them last night when he brought our d home because I looked mad. LOL I almost lost it on the phone because d had told me last night that she almost cracked up at the look on his face when he came in because the house was spotless and I was in such a good mood. She even high fived me after he left. When I told her he thought I was mad she said he's so full of it. He also told me our d asked him not to come in because it just makes me upset and then I cry. What a load. I'm looking forward to learning how to get on with my life. I don't want it to be without him, but he's given me no choice so learn I will do. From what I've read so far these last few months most of them don't return. I'm assuming that's a fair assessment? If so, the deck is stacked against me so I need to learn quickly. Thanks for your help.
