Hi. Clearly I am very new here, and though I have read as much as I can about all this, I'm not 100% sure I'll get it right. But here's my story.
My boyfriend and I first met in 2003, when I was just 20 and he was 25. I was actually travelling in his country for three months alone. We met one week in, it was "love at first sight" and we spent the rest of that time together, travelling around his country in his car. At the end of the three months, my visa was up and I moved back to my own country, with a promise between us that we would stay together forever.
As we were both young and jobless, it took a while to make that happen. We stayed in regular contact, pretty much. About a year after leaving his country, I asked him for some "space" from our relationship as basically I was seeing someone in my home country. This lasted for just a few weeks, before I realised it wasn't what I wanted and ended it. We started talking again every week, by phone and email, just as we had before. But by November, he was using the same line on me. (I had told him about my fling, btw) I didn't take it well, but there was nothing to be done, it seemed. So, I made the decision to go to his country and visit again.
I told him in December 2004 and by February 2005, I was there. We picked up where we had left off and I stayed as long as my visa would allow, which was until May 2005. There was a bump in the road in that time - I discovered that he had slept with around 3 women in our time apart - but by the end of my stay that was pretty much dealt with (neither of us were perfect, we were both young, etc) and we agreed to stay together in a long distance relationship.
I moved to another country, instead of going home, which was a little closer by air to his country. I left in May 2005, as I mentioned, then he visited in August 2005, and I visited in December 2005 for the holidays. Everything was going great, although long distance was hard. We made plans together for our next move and in March 2006, we moved to a brand new country together. After that, our long distance relationship was over. We managed to get long-term visas and were together in various places every day up until January 2013.
So, backtracking a bit, in November 2012 we decided to visit my country for the holidays. At this point we had been living together in his country for four years, and I wanted to go for a visit. We had been living with his mum for this entire time (long story), but were on the verge of moving to a brand new city. The plan was that we would "move out" by going home to my country for a visit and then not returning to his mother's place.
Well, about two weeks before we were due to leave for our trip, he started to act strange. He had been offered a job from his old employer and I didn't want him to take it, since our plan was to move to another country. He said he felt like he was self-sabotaging. I should mention at this point that he had spent the previous two years, or so, saying he wanted to go back to school. So, a lot of time had been spent discussing his career options, etc. Anyway, this particular job was not in the field he wants to be in, nor was it in the city we were moving to, so I didn't understand why it was such a big deal?
As our trip grew closer, he started to pull away and I even found him crying the night before we were due to leave. I really didn't understand WTF was happening, but he didn't really give me a decent explanation. Well, we left, I found him crying on the plane, WTF?, but we made it to my country. On the way to my parents house, I asked him to please put aside whatever it was that was bothering him, as this was the first time I had seen my family in 2 years. He agreed and everything was fine for about four weeks.
Then, for a three day period during which my parents were away, he fell into a strange slump. He would be out of bed when I woke, which was unusual, and claimed he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't engage, wouldn't make eye contact. On the second day, I pushed and pushed until finally I got him to reveal he thought we were over. We spent the entire day "reconciling" these feelings and by the evening, the conversation was done. But the next day, he was still extremely emotional and strange. However, we somehow managed to go for a picnic, then a day trip the next day, and by the next day he was off on this little vacation we had planned (I stayed back). At this point, we had started discussing if maybe our best bet was to stay in my country, as his schooling options were better there. As far as I knew, this was what was bothering him the most.. his career.
When he got back, we had both done some thinking, and we agreed we should stay in my country. The new plan was that I would miss my flight back to his country, and he would go so he could apply for the visa. We thought it would take about two months to get the visa, then he would come back and we would start our life anew. Well, that didn't happen.
It took him almost two months to even APPLY for the visa. This was a combination, I believe, of his usual laziness (it takes him a while to get anything done..) and some apprehension. However, he wouldn't cop to that, so I played it off as nothing, in the hopes that being cheerful and positive would help. After a few minor freakouts over Skype from him, and one night of crying down the phone and being extremely drunk, he applied for the visa and seemingly turned the corner. Everything was fine.
Unfortunately, by this point, visa time lines had been extended and instead of taking just a few months, he didn't hear anything for a LONG TIME. We had said our goodbyes in January, he had applied in March 2013, and by September we were over the time apart. He booked a flight to come to my country in October and everything really did seem fine.
He arrived in October and it was great to see him, but I did feel awkward. We still didn't have the visa and I felt like he was a ticking time bomb. I just didn't feel comfortable from the moment he arrived.. and it turns out, I had every reason to. He left four days later.. just walked out. I know it wasn't planned.. in fact, it seemed a bit spontaneous. Things weren't feeling right, but at the exact moment he packed his bag and left, I actually was picking a fight. I know he probably would have left anyway, but I still regret that fight.
Because he was brand new to the country, he had no phone or anything yet, so all I could do was email him. I emailed and emailed for hours, but didn't hear back until about 24 hours later, at which point I was beyond distraught. He told me he needed some time, so I waited. Three days later, he said we could talk by phone only. I said no, we need to meet. We met in a park the next day and talked for three hours. It was nice, it felt like there was still a lot of love between us, but I also could tell he was "broken" and that he wasn't coming back that day. Somehow, in the jumble and mess, we had some discussion about being together again in the future, but basically I would have accepted ANYTHING "hopeful" at that point.
We walked away.. and I felt okay, for about an hour.. but then crumbled into a mess. I haven't seen him since. He travelled for three months before returning to his home country. In those first three months, we emailed. I would beg him to talk to me, to come back. I would plead my case, promise I would change, etc. The usual. I did see a counsellor, and I did do one big thing: I moved out of my parents home, where I had been staying, and to the city we had originally planned to live in together. This was extremely difficult, but I wanted to show him (a) the plan could still work and (b) I was stronger than he thought.
Right before I moved, he arrived back in his home country and we finally talked on the phone. It was warm and emotional and okay. Despite getting no real promises or assurances, I felt extremely positive after that conversation. I moved a few days later and we had another conversation about 2-3 weeks later. This one was also good: hopeful, encouraging. Both times we would get emotional, but it was nice. Sometimes we would get into little arguments about our issues as a couple (sex, or lack thereof, had become a big problem) and they were emotional too. At the end of that conversation, he even did an air kiss back to me when I did one, and then said I love you too, when I said it.
About a month after that, we talked again. I should preface this by saying that when we spoke this time, he was in extreme pain from a back injury. Knowing this, I probably should have not spoken to him, but instead I did. And not only that, but I got extremely emotional when he basically blew off a suggestion I had made in our previous conversation about coming to visit me for a few months and trying again. You see, he HAD acted like he was considering it seriously, but in this third conversation, he spoke like it wasn't even on the table. I got emotional very quickly and between his bad back and extreme pain and my emotional wreckage, the conversation went for four hours and by the end of it he was basically desperate to get off the phone, being a jerk and telling me we couldn't talk anymore.
Obviously, a bad idea.
I backed off pretty quickly after that. I didn't email him again, to see what would happen, but I did post him a back-brace of his that I had. My birthday was about two weeks after that terrible conversation, so I felt pretty comfortable about going with NC because I felt sure he'd email me for my bday. Well, surprisingly, he actually emailed before my bday to say thanks for the back-brace and he made some small talk in that email. He even ended it with "How are you?" I responded, but I didn't add anything into my email that required an answer. THen, he emailed me a few days later for my bday. At this point, I took the liberty of asking for another phone conversation. He wrote back and said he felt like it was a bad idea, not just for me, but for him too, but that he would do it anyway. So, that's where we're at.. the conversation is in two days. (They're all planned, because of the long distance timing issues..)
Final comment. He is coming here to my country in the next few months to activate the visa we had applied for. Now, I can't see why he would be doing this unless it is because he still wants to keep our options open.. but I don't like to get my hopes up. ANd obviously I want to see him when he comes, but I feel like he won't let me.
So, I know this is like a NOVEL, but I am open to any advice from anyone who's made it through. Or should I say, I will *read* any advice. I'm not the best with hearing reality checks, necessarily, because I still believe in my relationship and believe it will work out. BUt I'll try..
Sorry, after I wrote all that and hit send, I realised I spent way too much time on our history and not enough time on our "present."
I want to add, quickly, that I believe he is going through a MLC. When he arrived in my country and we were spending those four days together, despite my awkwardness, he was totally pleasant. Literally an hour before he left, I was sitting on his lap and he was telling me he loved me and everything was fine.
A lot of the things he has said since are things like "I feel like we're not in love anymore," "I just want to be alone right now," "I just feel like we'll be happier this way," "I just want to be happy," etc. The list goes on.
I don't feel like I am giving all the information that I need to be, but I feel so confused when I realise it's already been 6 months.
Well, we had a phone call today.. planned, as usual.
I did my best to adopt a casual/nonchalant approach. We chatted about life in general and I tried to laugh at his jokes and stay smiling the whole time, etc. It wasn't as hard as I expected. Although I barely slept last night thinking about it, I didn't have that horrible feeling of dread either.
It turns out, he has booked his ticket to come and activate his visa. He is barely staying in the country for 24 hours, but at least he is getting the visa, which means we do have an option to be together in the future if he decides that is what he wants to do.
So, I asked him if he would consider staying with me. He's hesitatent - his words: "I don't really think that's a good idea," "I think it would be difficult," and "I don't know if it's that wise a decision."
My argument: I won't talk about OR, I think it would be nice to have a "nice time" together since we don't know when/if we'll ever see each other again (this made him tear up) and that I won't make it hard on him or put any pressure on him. He agreed to think about it.
I am fairly certain he won't do it, but he did agree to see me while he was here, so I get that at the very least. So strange to think that I'll get a 3-hour visiting session (at the most, probably) with a man I spent every day with for 7.5 years.
I don't know if I am doing the right/wrong thing here. It's hard to figure out what's going on in his head. I know there is no one else.. I feel sure of this. He won't rule out a future for us entirely - he takes a "never say never" approach - but he won't give any commitments, which I get. That's the fair thing to do, really. I'd punish him if he did otherwise, probably.
But it's hard to see how this has made any difference to his life at all.
I guess my problem is that my situation is quite unique. We weren't actually married, so there is no D process to go through that buys me any time. As far as BF is concerned, we're done and dusted.
Similarly, we don't have kids or shared assets, so we don't have many reasons to do the whole "only talk about business/kids" thing, etc.
And now that we're living across the world from each other, it makes it hard to apply my changes and have him see them. The only way for H to see the changes I am making, etc is for me to SHOW him.
Well, I'm officially driving myself crazy with indecision.
On the one hand, I know I should be taking a step back and allowing him to make his own decision. I have plead my case and that should be that. I am fairly sure he won't agree to stay with me and will instead stay at a hotel, and that is driving me crazy. I mean, just on a practical level it doesn't make sense.
But on the other hand, I want to scream at him. Is it really THAT hard for us to spend some time together? We were together 10.5 years, we haven't seen each other for 6 months now - since the day he left. I feel like laying on some guilt.
It has been about 10 years since I really lived in my own country, and all my friends are long gone. My friends in recent years were BF's friends, although I did hang out with all the female ones separately.. as in, they had become my own friends.
So, knowing no-one, I decided to take a risk and put an "ad" up saying that I was new to the area and needed friends. Not a single reply in two weeks.
Of course, I also don't make new friends at work, because I am self-employed and work from home. While I will be likely looking for a job to help me get by in the next few months, it is a while away...
Looks like I am going to have to be a little inventive. (I don't mean that I'll come up with an imaginary friend!)
Okay, an explosion of my posts have appeared. I guess I am off moderation?
I have been reading and reading and reading about situations where one partner drops a bomb and leaves and says all the usual things (I love you but I'm not in love with you, etc) and one thing has been troubling me.
Some H seem annoyed/irritated/angry, some seem happy and "free" and over the whole thing. And mine, in particular, seems sad to talk to me, almost like he's doing it out of obligation to make me feel better.
I'm curious about everyone else's opinion: is one of these better than the other? Does being angry at least show they have some regret? Does being happy mean they're actually happy?
Well, today is 1 week before I see him, even if he doesn't end up staying at my apartment. The nerves have settled in.
Despite the fact I am desperate to see him, I have a pretty heavy feeling of apprehension. I know I'll be nervous and jittery the whole time. I hope that we can regain some of that "natural" feeling between us, even though we'll only have a few hours to do it in.. and I'll probably be the only one trying.
