2 Months In And Feeling So Broken

[Upwards]

Was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to respond.

Just said soemthing about him being away for the weekend (which is kind of true - but only the half truth). Made me think about how i will manage that questuon in the future...don;t like that idea.

This is really difficult isnt it, have you told people who are close to you? Sometimes its easier if people know because it opens up the support network although telling people is hard. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

I found it better once everyone knew because then I wasnt having to answer awkward questions and think on the spot - everyone's situation is different so do what works for you.

I haven't been so sad the last few days. Feeling like I'm making changes in my attitude...busy is good.

That's really good, I hope things continue to be positive for you! This process is so painful but lots of positives will come from it, it may not feel like it now but you will come through this a much stronger person regardless of what happens in your marriage.

[labug]

Just said soemthing about him being away for the weekend (which is kind of true - but only the half truth). Made me think about how i will manage that questuon in the future...don;t like that idea.

We sometimes get caught up in feeling we have to tell people everything in order to be honest. Come up with a stock answer, what's going on in your life is your business.

Very few people need to know more than what you told your acquaintance and you get to decide who those people are.

Brene Brown has a great talk about who we should choose share our vulnerability. She calls it "shame story" and for most us, we feel shame when our M goes south. google Brene Brown shame story. You might like to read more of her work.

[labug]

Some very clumsy sentences in that post, not enough coffee.

Hope you can make sense of it.

[JennD]

I could, thanks! Just watched 2 of her TED talks...very interesting and telling!

I often am too honest with people who have no business knowing my finite details.

I've told my immediate family and a neighbour/friends. I'm not sure who/what my family has told to whom.

And yes it is shame that is keeping my from singing it from the rooftops. I want us to work it out. To keep it amongst ourselves and sort it out. Our M is no one's business but ours. (I do realize the irony of writing this on a public chatboard).

A stock answer on hand would be the easiest solution. I was totally caught off-guard.

I'm going to look up Brene Brown's books and see if there is something I might like to read. She is a vert interesting speaker. Thanks for the the tip.

[JennD]

Ordered 3 of Brene Brown books...they sounds great...

[JennD]

So tempted to say to H - come on - enough is enough. Stop this crap and come home and lets work this out.

I didn't. But I wanted to. And still want to.

I can't believe this is still happening.

I can't believe that he feels our life was so bad, tht he is willing to do this - me aside - but to stop being with the girls everyday, to have his pay cut in half, to walk away from a beautiful home and be alone, without us.

Starting to sink in that life with me could be that bad.

But at the same time, he's wiling to leave his daughters living with me. How bad could it be?

I just want to slap his face and wake him up.

I've been busy GAL'ing this weekend and it was good. Its just hard to look forward and not have ideas of H included in our - my - future.

I know - his inclusion is his choice. But I still grieving the loss of my plans.

Two steps forward, one step back, I guess.

[JennD]

H and I are going to our first meeting with a play therapist for the girls, tomorrow night. She meets with us to see what is going on, what our concerns are and then sees the girls, seperately at another time.

In a way, I am concerned that if she tells us that the girls are okay and are coping, that that will reinforce H's feeling about divorce. That it's a good thing and everyone will be fine and D is not an issue for anyone.

[Upwards]

I can't believe that he feels our life was so bad, tht he is willing to do this - me aside - but to stop being with the girls everyday, to have his pay cut in half, to walk away from a beautiful home and be alone, without us.

Starting to sink in that life with me could be that bad.

None of this is about you, please dont think that, its about HIM and is a reflection of how he feeling about HIMSELF and not you - he is unhappy with how HIS life is and would probably feel the same regardless of who his spouse is or family situation.

It is NOT about you, please keep that in your head!!

In a way, I am concerned that if she tells us that the girls are okay and are coping, that that will reinforce H's feeling about divorce. That it's a good thing and everyone will be fine and D is not an issue for anyone.

No single incident will make or break your marriage, if he's going to file for divorce then he'll do it & if he's not then he wont.

Its a good thing if the playworker is happy with how the girls are coping, please try to see the positives instead of the (possible!) negatives

[25yearsmlc]

I'll post in more detail later but wanted to insert a comment or two now...

Thanks for the kind words, Upwards. It feels like forever! He is here more than he's away. I often read and predict what that means - which is pointless, I know.

I have struggled with that fact. It is good for the girls as they miss him alot (He was always a very involved and present father - a great father, really) but it is very hard to have him here - it feels like he keeps ripping the scab off just it might be healing a bit.

A man who was an involved and loving father, WILL MISS HIS CHILDREN. That's reality. He's in pain missing them and that's why he's there so often, which is a positive.
Oh and btw, it's best for the GIRLS so you have to put your needs behind theirs. DO right by your kids and you will have fewer regrets.


We have had a few arguements, where I;ve told him to go and not come back - that this may be our "house", but it is no longer his "home". The arguements always wind down to me telling him how much harder it is to have him here, but not here emotionally (it way I want it to be - there's my control issue again) and he is being kind and trying to respect my feelings (obviously not to the point I'd want ) and will stay away if I want him to.


Stop repeating this^^ negative, unattractive behavior. Get a grip and keep it on your mouth when you want to blurt this message out again. He KNOWS how you feel.
Start showing him that you can CHANGE how you behave. The times he is there and you SO HATE that, are the times you can demonstrate the new you.

You do that by action, not speech, let alone angry speech...even if it "ends up" being "okay" (per you). That does not mean he enjoyed it or thought it was "productive".

Chances are your arguments merely solidify his choice to leave.

But I;d rather have him here (for the girls) and because it allows me interact with him. Hopefully for the better.


No more arguing then, please.

Went to yoga and I feel better. Physically and mentally.

Its so nice to have the support when you feel at the lowest...I truly appreciate it!

Keep at this. Regardless if there is or is no OW, IF you show change, you may be able to turn this around.

[JennD]

Its very hard to throw off the blame. Objectively, I know its true - thats its his situation. My brain keeps looking for a 'solution' that will fix this, now. But I know that won't happen.

I'm working at keeping my big yap shut to H. Have gotten better at the that. Its been at least 2 weeks since a blow up or any R talk. Which is the longest since BD. By far!

I keep wanting to say something about R to H but have been able to stop myself. Surprizing, really. So 25, I'm working on it.