too little, too late

[lost18]

Thanks for your post Betsey!

I recognize some of the issues you have had since you started posting. Can I ask if you're working on them? The big one is that your H sees you as negative. You mentioned a situation that your C said was realistic. But I'm going to ask you to dig a little deeper. Personally, I don't see it as "negative" but if you put on his glasses for a minute, I can see why he'd say that.

This is hard for me, although I know there are times when I'm negative, I don't see myself as a negative person. Although I definitely feel I used to be. In regard to that situation, after looking it from his POV (w/help from my sister) I do see why he viewed me as negative. And he was excited about getting some new toys and once I questioned it he felt like I was shooting him down and therefore reacted.

So... while he thinks you're negative and you think you're cautious and frugal, how about we meet somewhere in the middle? Would it be safe to say that you're cautious when the idea isn't yours or that you haven't had time to buy in 100%? Could it be possible that you feel him wanting to spend money on things that are important to him as not your priority?

I'm going to have to work on this, although he pretty much spends money on whatever he wants, whenever he wants to. I know it can also pertain to things other than spending $$. As far as making him feel like an equal in the R, I'm not sure. I feel like he has been in control and I've taken the backseat in many issues. But I guess I'm really going to have to think harder on this issue.

I'm jumping back a few weeks to the incident of a sprained ankle. Would you have let him know if he were still living with you? Well, then, I would encourage you to tell him things that matter to him as a parent.

Yes, I would have let him know, but only because we talked everyday. Not sure I would have gone out of my way unless it was serious. These questions regarding the kids are the hardest for me because I'm always questioning my reasoning behind it. I have to make sure I'm doing what is in their best interest and nothing more.

And I also saw that you posed a question in your first thread that you never answered. It piqued my interest because my sister asked me the very same question when my now XH moved out: "are you pissed because he pulled the trigger first?"

I don't remember posing this question but after thinking about it, I don't think so. I'm pissed because of the way he did it. I'm pissed because I don't think we tried to make our M work. I was never going to "pull the trigger," I still feel love and feel like we have something to fight for, I'm pissed he doesn't think it's worth a fight.

You have given me a lot to think about for sure. The role of victim is a big one. I know I've allowed him to make me feel certain ways. My IC now told me I need to take my own inventory and he needs to take his. I would always get frustrated and angry with H because he would tell me what my issues were and instead of taking care of myself I would turn around and tell him what his issues were. Even when I was running and exercising alot, feeling good about myself, I allowed him to make me feel guilty because he was in a war zone and "all I cared about was working out." Crazy what people do to each other.

[lost18]

So...had a not great conversation with H this morning. I texted him regarding D12's phone and asked him to give me a call. Didn't think this thru because I was only prepared to give him info re: the phone.

Well, he then asked about our vacation dates and told me when his dates were. When I asked if he was planning on coming to vacation spot and he said he was. Then said unless that was a problem. I told him no, the girls would of course want to spend time with him but I wasn't sure what he was planning. I had a really hard time holding back tears and I'm sure he could tell.

On a positive note he is planning on being where we are on his leave and I have time to adjust and try to have "no expectations." That is not going to be easy!

It was very awkward talking about $$ among other things. Wow. Wish I would have been more prepared for that convo.

Also told him that S18 is graduating boot camp and we would like to go to that as well.

I am going to work on myself and be the best me I can be when I do see him. More importantly work on 'acting as if' and having no expectations.

[whytry]

Lost18 I've had this happen to me as well. Out of habit I picked up phone called W to say S13 whatever and didn't think she needed to tell me stuff. Yes I tear up every time cuz I wan't nothing more than her attention.

You will do fine. I keep repeating a verse my pastor gave me and it helps when I start feeling heartache. Maybe you have a similar way to occupy your mind?

[lost18]

So after talking to IC and focusing on the positive of the summer vacay. She said to stop living in fear, I guess of the what ifs and just live. Worked Thurs and Fri which helped keep my mind from obsessing. Had made the choice to try to work on being the best me I can be, especially for the 2 weeks this summer...I allowed myself to get crushed again.

Keep in mind I use this spot to journal as well...BUT today when I logged onto facebook and went to my profile I noticed a change. It no longer said that I'm Married to H...it simply says married. I thought maybe H had deleted me but as it turns out he changed his relationship status to single! I know that FB is just a social networking site and it doesn't matter in the big picture...but this is totally out of the norm of my H. He's pretty private usually...not that he posted it to the world but if you look at his page you will see it.

I have many different thoughts about this...he could've just left this blank instead of putting single...but yup...I've dwelled on it all day. I have not told my friends or family and if anybody sees I'm sure to get questions I'm not ready for. Not to mention we have not told our kids....I'm friends with them on FB...he's not, not likely they will notice but he doesn't know that.

Also, he removed the picture I posted of the kids wishing him a happy birthday from his timeline....trying to appease the ow or potential ow....send me a message maybe?

I know I can't try to figure him out and I need to accept where he is, just venting right now.

[lost18]

Why I let something like this upset me so much. Maybe because I think it is out his character.

Something that upsets me even more is that he does not call the girls unless they contact him first or I do. Not sure what that is all about. They both have their own phone so it's not like he has to talk to me first...crazy.

Really need to stop dwelling on this. One step forward, two steps back. *sigh*

[whytry]

I understand lost18. It's silly but my W did the same to me recently and it hurts. But to speak truthfully, I started that stupid crap myself before when I was bouncing back and forth from crazy world. Ya know what, it had nothing to do with EA with OW for me. Really, who honestly would care we were both married (maybe not your case). Looking back, I was wanting attention and for W to acknowledge she wanted/needed me. NO, it would not have fixed anything at the time or have changed me. I had to have my journey to work through my issues. I think your H may be going the same way. Obviously, it's childish as my W pointed out when I did it. lmbo.

Your right don't think twice about it. Get up, go do something fun, make yourself smile!

[lost18]

I don't know why he did that, have had some different ideas. At any rate, it's thrown me reeling backwards. Of course I have been obsessing about it and yes I know I shouldn't be.

On a positive note, I did talk to him today. Was able to be light hearted and did not tear up. Also, did not mention a word about his FB status. Did let him know that I was concerned that he was not contacting the girls unless they contacted him first. Let him know D12 texted him the past 3 mornings and he did not respond. He said he didn't get them and would call her tonight.


I really need to work on me the next two months so when I do see him I am able to be positive and attractive. I have no idea what to expect, if he is planning on telling the kids while we're there, before hand or at all. All things that have me in a whirlwind of emotions.

I have an appt with my IC tomorrow, I have to work on setting some goals for myself, specifically for this summer. A quick look at what some may look like.

1) lose 15lbs (tangible)
2) buy some cute/sexy outfits
3) have no expectations (very difficult)
4) act as if, regardless of what he does
5) Do not let his words or actions bring me down.
6) Enjoy my friends and family

I know these are pretty vague, but because I haven't seen him since the bomb drop it is going to be a very emotional time. I am going to need to work very hard to get myself in a positive place before I see him. I've had a setback the past few days so I'm feeling very emotional right now so these things seem even more difficult to achieve.

I feel like he is done, moved on, hopeless. But yet I'm not willing to give up. I am going to make the most of the 10 days I will see him this summer!

When I feel hopeless I like to read the books by Liam Naden. the past couple of days I've been rereading his "Marriage Success Mindset"

I am going to save our marriage. I love my spouse and I'll do whatever it takes for us to stay together.
1. I am a great person, worthy of love and having a happy and fulfilling life.
2. I create my own happiness.
3. I am not dependent on my marriage for me to be happy.
4. I am attractive, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. I work on becoming more attractive everyday.
5. I focus on the positive aspects or our marriage.
6. Our marriage is only going to get better and better.

Sometimes I adjust 5 and 6 to read life instead of marriage. Doing this helps me become more positive. Even though our marriage is where it is right now, I have to work on me and remember it is not over until it's over.

[whytry]

It's becoming easier for me to stay happy every time I see my W cuz I'm happy with myself. You look like you've found what works for you so run with it. I like your goals.

Don't let his craziness get in your way to be what you want to be!

[lost18]

So I've been pretty much a wreck the past few days. The FB thing really put me in a tailspin. Realized that I've been half-a$$ing DB because my H is not here. However, did have an appt today with my IC. Although, she is not familiar with DB she respects my choices and helps me with my goals. I usually leave her office feeling better. One thing she did say to me that I hadn't really thought of is this: he's confusing because he's confused. I hadn't really thought of it that way. We of course talked about the impeding vacation and she said to be charming, look good, be happy etc. etc. She said he has not dealt with any of the emotions of his decision, and being there he will have to. Makes sense.

She also pointed out (again) that I focus on things I haven't accomplished more than things I have! Interesting, maybe some of the negativity I don't think I have. Something to work on. The thing about me, most of my life, I know what I want/need/should do...it's the action I always have a problem with.

Anyway, IC gave me my job (goals). Here they are:
1) Only deal with what's coming directly at me.
2) Keep it simple
3) Don't speculate
4) Focus on positives, positive affirmations (out loud daily)
5) One room at a time (in regard to messy house)

Something to work on this week.

[LongRoad06]

My H tells me I am the most pessimistic and glass half empty person he knows. I called it being a realist and planning for the worst.

He asked me why I couldn't just plan for the best and have a backup plan if that didnt work.

Something to think about when trying to change the way you think and/or come across to others. I see how my thoughts could be construed as being a pessimist versus a realist.