" I was trying to get a bit more time off as I am exhausted"
Now you understand how she felt when she was doing most of the work.
"But I have now fully accepted that she is gone and almost certainly never coming back."
Mindreading.
"As for her relationship with the boys, well I know it is no longer my concern whether or not she maintains a relationship with them. "
That part should be a concern of yours because it will dictate how they're future relationships will be. You just can't control it, but should understand it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
'Now you understand how she felt when she was doing most of the work.'
I just need to clarify. I did a lot anyway before the split. I didn't help out much in the morning when getting the boys ready for school and just didn't realise how hard it is until I am now doing it alone, I deeply regret not realising it before. But I bathed my children, made them dinner 3 nights per week when she attended the gym.Took them to bed and brushed their teeth etc at least 3-4 nights per week. Every Saturday she worked so I had them all day and did all th things I am now doing. I was already a very hands on Dad . The main difference is that I now have every single morning to organise them for school before starting my days work. And I have them almost every evening, feeding them, doing homeworks, sorting them for bed as well as everything else, all on my own. I maybe haven't stressed enough that they actually are with me more than 85% of the time so its the shift in balance that is exhausting me. But I was already a very hands on Dad in so many ways.
'Mindreading.'
I am basing this purely on what she is continuously telling me. I didn't or couldn't accept it for a long time as I didn't want to give it up. But she has stated it clearly on more than one occasion recently so I have no choice but to accept that it is fact.I wish it wasn't the case but she insists that it is so I don't see how this can be construed as mindreading.
"As for her relationship with the boys, well I know it is no longer my concern whether or not she maintains a relationship with them. "
'That part should be a concern of yours because it will dictate how they're future relationships will be. You just can't control it, but should understand it.'
If you read my next line 'I hope she does for their sake,' you will see that it was a figure of speech. Anytime I have expressed my thoughts on her actions or decisions you have accused me of trying to control, now that I suggest giving up that though you are saying I should be concerned. I am of course, but what can I do? I want my boys to have a healthy strong relationship with their mum and if there was any way I could help that I would. But she has to want to do that and I have no say on how she decides to approach it.
I am trying my best to do things right. I have made and will continue to make mistakes in this. But I am honestly doing everything I can. Like I have said, there are so many other things my W has said and done over the months that I haven't mentioned as they happened before I joined the forum. Very hurtful and destructive things that most of our friends have almost disowned her for. But I took things on the chin and carried on trying because I love her and wanted to save our marriage. I also realise now that these things happen in the context of an affair and marriage breakdown and that I have also said and done questionable things due to the volatile nature of the situation. I deeply regret anything I have done or said and have said it clearly during our therapy. I realise that dwelling on these things serves no purpose so I am letting everything go and trying to get on with things. I truly am trying now to GAL and let her get on with hers. Meanwhile I am trying to create a healthy environment for our two boys and I don't and won't always get it right but I will keep trying.
"Anytime I have expressed my thoughts on her actions or decisions you have accused me of trying to control, now that I suggest giving up that though you are saying I should be concerned."
You twisted my words around. Go back to what you wrote. All I can do is comment on that. AND there's a difference between controlling and being concerned. You won't be able to control what your W does, HOWEVER you need to be concerned about how that affects your kids and be able to deal with the aftermath of her actions WITH them. I'm not saying to tell your W what to do. But you can ease the confusion your boys have by talking to them and showing them the RIGHT way.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I can assure you that I am doing that. I can't express enough the fact that they are my absolute number one priority right now, above everything else. Everything I do now and every decision I make is made with their well being as paramount. My W has seen them quite a bit over the Easter break but that is over now and we will revert back to the norm of her only seeing them a couple of times per week. The tweaks I made to the schedule did't really change much of that although I had left opportunities for her to have more time and hoped she would take advantage but it seems not. So apart from clariifying exactly when she shes them on specific days and agreeing how they should be handed over nothing much has changed. It concerns me for my boys sake that she doesn't seem worried about spending more time with them but all I can do is be strong and loving for them. I am also concerned about our holiday. I have spent a lot of time planning activities for them when we go and it saddened me last night when I looked at our itinerary and realised my W would not be there. She had been heavily involved in the early planning of it and its going to feel so strange doing all of the amazing things we had planned, without her. I feel that it may yet still be a bit of a hurdle for us as she does really want to go. I just don't see how it would be possible?
So she has texted me and asked if she can come and see the boys tonight after work, she doesn't finish until 8pm and she will have them over the weekend anyway so I have no idea why she has asked this as she never does and this is a regular scenario with her working late and its never something she suggests. I do have a theory though. She mentioned last week that she was going to ask her counsellor about the whole issue regarding the family holiday as she is really keen to go and it is really playing on her mind. She was with him two nights ago and then texted me the next day asking could she call tonight. I need her to sign a letter of consent allowing me to take the boys out of the country and have asked her would she sign it, she has yet to agree although I would hope she would't be difficult about it. Like I said, she would only be seeing the boys for 10 mins before bed anyway and she will have them most of the weekend so I am concerned that she has spoke to her counsellor and is going to try some angle to rty and make this holiday difficult if she can't go? Any advice would be appreciated.
In the beginning she had no problem when you said it would be uncomfortable for you, sister, etc., if she went. I am not surprised she has had seconds thought about it. But do you think she would really not allow you to take the kids if she doesn't go?
Did she contribute financially toward the trip?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No Sandi I paid for the trip. We will lose her fare but that doesn't worry me. She signed the letter tonight but was clearly upset. she said ' well I hadn't decided whether I was going or not but obviously you have' She says she is worried about how the boys will react to her not going but they more or less know anyway. I think she is just worried about how she is going to be for two weeks when they are gone.
Sure, she is thinking of herself. She acts as if there was never a previous discussion regarding the grip.
The boys will have your undivided attention and time. They will love it. Make it a "guys trip" that will be more about making memories of them being with their dad.........instead of focusing on the fact mom isn't there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i need her to photocopy her passport and give me a copy to go along with the letter. I have asked her several times for it but she seems to be avoiding this.She has also asked that we don't tell the boys for another couple of weeks??? I really think that the earlier they know the easier it will be as they will get used to the idea by the time we go. I want this sorted so that I can just focus on the holiday but she seems determined to hold the process up.
I would tell them, so they will get use to the idea in plenty of time to adjust. I doubt they will take it as hard as she wants them to. Play it up as being a "men's only trip" and I think it might be appealing to them. That's just my way of thinking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
