One more thing, Scooby, I stunk at dealing with the financial and it's biting me in the A$$.
However, I have always been pretty good at dealing with the abusive stuff that comes my way.
Here's what I've learned:
If he even hints at hurting you or the kids, call 911. In our state, someone goes to jail. In the long run, this will only help your case in getting him to live elsewhere. You will have these records to back up any claim for a restraining order.
My H was a big one for saying he'd never leave and blah, blah, blah... What I learned, if he is threatening and causing emotional upheaval for you and the kids (like possibly having an affair AT the house), then you have ground to force him out.
I know this is scary stuff. But, you gotta face it. Otherwise, either your anger or his will take a turn for the devil and you won't be able to recover as easily. Don't mess with this... Be safe, rather than sorry.
Just my two cents.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is so hard. H has undiagnosed mental issues and he quit IC. I don't think I am ready to file but don't know what to do. He is 180 from a year ago. He is in spare room and won't touch me not even a hug. He has become private I can't see him naked or even with shirt off he gets embarrassed. H now closes and lock doors when showering. From the moment he said he wanted a divorce, in his mind it was ok to cheat. Then he started closing doors. I keep thinking what if it is not mlc and it is he just does not want me. He has done a 180 before when he liked a girl.
So here is why I get scared. H now has a short temper and raises his voice. When I am gal with girls h panicky and gets paranoid and will keep calling and texting. Even when I tell him the plan and don't call BC we are doing something like bike riding where I cannot answer my phone. Everytime I take control he gets this paranoia. I am terrified to file BC I know he will get nasty. I an not ready to file but am fed up with the emotional abuse and the temper. I have more family moving to town, so that might help.
You cannot allow your emotions to dictate your actions. Let your rational head take CHARGE here.
If you really don't want to file, then DON'T! Stay the course by protecting yourself financially by speaking with a lawyer to find out what your options are. It does not necessarily mean you have to file for a D. These two are separate things.
H is miserable and wants you to bring you down to his level so he'll feel better about himself. Pay no attention to it. Leave him alone to twist in the wind all by his lonesome self.
You need to continue with GAL for your sanity's sake. Get out of the house. Don't answer his calls or texts unless it is an emergency. Show him that you will not drop every thing just to answer his desperate texts, calls.
If your H speaks to you in a disrespectful way, you need to put your foot down and state that that you will not be spoken in that way. IT IS UP TO YOU to lay down your boundaries.
Scooby, You've described the man in crisis. They become very paranoid and yes, they lock doors to the bedrooms and bathrooms when they are changing clothes, etc. In their mind, we have either become the "authority/parent" figures or they feel they are cheating on their OP's if we see them or touch them. If you think back, when you became a teenager, you became very private about your room and didn't want people to see you changing, etc. He's in the teenager stage and boy is he having a time of it.
Please remember that he is operating on emotions and is not truly rational about anything. Sure he gets panicky. He doesn't want you to have fun while he's miserable. So, what do you do, turn the phone to vibrate while you are out and not answer the phone if you see it's him. He'll get over it or he'll blow a blood vessel. He doesn't want "mom" out of his sight because that must mean she's got a life and having fun. It's really a control issue and only you can stop it by not responding and ignoring those texts. If he asks later about it, be honest and tell him you were busy.
Set your boundaries and one of them is the draw the line in the sand the next time he speak to you w/disrespect. Advise him that you will not tolerate or deserve to be treated disrespectfully and that when he calms down you'll be happy to discuss whatever has him wound up. You have to be the one to take back your control. The longer you allow this behavior, the more he'll test your limits. He's a baby having a temper tantrum. What do you do in that case? You certainly don't reward bad behavior w/attention, etc. You put them in time out and leave them be. Walk away when he's acting disrespectfully.
Go dim, go about your business and continue to live your life. Leave him to stew for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Set the boundaries. No one said you have to file right now. But, you need to protect yourself from his insanity.
It really helped me, in the beginning, to think of him like Job suggests. Think of him as another child. When the kids disrespect you, do you tolerate it? Do you take it personally?
On the numerous occasions I have been graced with a tantrum from my children, I can say with certainty, I DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. They are being obnoxious kids. That's what your H is right now.
You gotta set the boundaries. Gotta. Or, you will go crazy.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I don't think that I am ready to file either. I have to be 100% ready or I will always regret the decision and it will stress me the rest of my life. The way I feel right now is H started us down this road and he can complete it if he wants it.
I think the change in me is that I am moving from grieving to the anger stage. This is a new emotion to me. I don't get angry or mad. It takes a he** lot to push my buttons. Obviously since I am in my 40s and cannot remember being angry like this before. People describe me as a very nice person - if H and he says that is what makes it so hard on him. UGH!!! Hard on him - are you kidding me! I think even though I am not used to being angry, that it is going to help me. I will finally be able to set up boundaries and speak for my self (not be a doormat.)
In the last two weeks I have done the most I have ever done in my life, and you know what? I really enjoyed it. I am a homebody by nature. But I loved doing things with my kids. I have always kept people at arms length, but have realized that now I have some very close friends and a good network of people. I have realized that this and the other forum I belont to are the only places I can talk about stupid H. I am so thankful for all you peeps!
I am having a hard time with the controlling of calling or texting. I said don't call or text one night. H kept calling and texting and I did not answer. Guess what? H sent authority figures to house to check on us. Then when I called him he said he was concerned about the girls not me! What a MAROON! H was so paranoid I could tell he was going to have a panick attack. But then he was playing poor vicitim to OW - my wife is so mean by not answering calls or texts. The other thing was when I saw him 5 hours later, he did not remember the situation. I don't know if he was lying or did not remember. H has been very spacely lately. So how do I get past this? Ideas?
So I am fed up with the controlling nature that he has lately. Never has there been so much concern about what I do (probably bc life was so simple before.) I want to GAL, but I don't want people on my doorstep asking if we are ok. If we would not have been home the door would have been busted in to check....UGH!!! It does not help if I say don't call or text we are unavailable. Do I have to put up with people at my doorstep, until he gets it?
I had a discussion the other day about one of our kids and he overruled me and said no. So I waited a few days to ponder it bc no was not the right answer. Today I told him the facts and this is what I am doing regardless of what he thinks. And guess what? He agreed. Hopefully he will remember the conversation.
H has some definant mental issues. H quit IC and is against it again (he was against it prior to MLC, so I have the double whammy...JOY!!) There is nothing I can do right now except protect everyone. But if it gets too bad and he does not get help, he will have to live elsewhere.
H is so deep with OW. On days they work together they are with each other about 16 hours (but still claiming we are just friends.) I get no calls or texts he is going to be late, so he could be dead as far as I know. I don't bother to call or text him. I just keep on doing what I am doing. The idiot is going to get himself fired over this.
H has noticed that I have a different attitude. He had the gall to say if I had been this way since he had known me he would not be wanting a divorce. Whatever, he has always been a controller. Which did not matter bc I am easy going and don't care. But not anymore. No one can treat me, my kids, my friends, and my family like this without hearing about it. My hope is that I keep this attitude and do not go back to doormat. I know I am strong bc I have put up with months of nonsense. I just need to show the strength on the outside too. H has no idea what is coming for him....LMAO.
So I know that I have not detached and am still concerned about what he is doing. But I am slightly better than a month ago and that is what is important.
Thanks all for helping me. You really mean a lot to me. Any suggestions, ideas, jokes, music you love anything is appreciated.
P.S. I hate the no email or cell phone numbers rule. At least on the other sight I use you can private message. have a great weekend!
I am in shock Mr. Scooby came straight home from work. I must be dreaming - we will see if it is a dream or a nightmare. Mr. Scooby was being unusually nice. I wonder what I have in store for me now?
