Thank you as always for the kind words. They help quite a bit. Well I had another IC session today and was sharing with my IC some of the things I had been reading about and she actually told me that she would find it very hard to believe that I have BPD. That made me feel good to hear and we talked about maybe going through some of the criteria next session to explore the possibility but given what she had seen and heard it was fairly unlikely in her opinion.
I am still walking through the modules of the DBT program. There is quite a bit of free materials for it online and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants better control over themselves. It is very founded in the Buddhist principals and I find it very enjoyable and relaxing to practice. There are 4 modules total and each module has a number of skills to practice. For those interested here are two of the best sites I have found for additional information, videos and the like:
As far as the W and my sitch, not a whole lot is new but we did have our first email chain in about a week or so as my wife was able to get an offer on that job I was helping with and it looks like the salary is going to be quite a significant pay increase. She sent me a text message which prompted me to send a quick email. I will not go into great detail but the conversation highlights are as follows:
Me: I am not looking for any kind of response but I just wanted to tell you that I am really happy about your potential raise more so than I wrote in my last email to you. You really deserve it and I am glad that they (the people at your work) may actually see that for a change. xxK is huge and it made me really feel happy inside.
Me: The only other thing I have is this: Please don't give up on me quite yet. I am getting there and I will not stop until I get there and for once I can truly say that I am looking forward to the future. I still have a few more dues to pay but the good news is it looks like you are paid in full
W: Did you happen to get my text this morning? Thank you for the email, and I don’t mind you reaching out. Believe it or not, I miss you too and although I’m still working through things on my end, I haven’t given up. You may write as you would like and perhaps lunch sometime next week, if you feel up to it, would be nice.
W: I know I don’t have to write back, but I wanted to as well. Thank you for the help and feedback, and I hope things are going well for you.
Me: Lunch next week would be great if you have the time. I would really enjoy seeing you.
Me: I have many things I want to tell you but I just don't know when the right time is. I have many things to truly apologize and repent for but I just don't want to push you farther away. The books I read help a lot to show me the error of my ways and help me fix the core issues I have found I possess but there is nothing in there about when you can reach out to your spouse without pushing her away in the process. I am guessing this is still too early so I will not get into now as I want it to be in person when it happens anyway but I still feel that a true apology is well over due from me to you as well as from me to your Mother and Jerry and your Aunt Dee.
W: Thank you for your words and I appreciate the growth. I hope you have a good weekend.
As usual it was not my best but not horrible and once again my wife seemed to be somewhat happy with me. It was good to hear her say she actually missed me and it is nice to have another lunch on the horizon. Small steps right
So I consolidated our list in its current form and for number 6 I would add:
1) Weight loss 2) Improved relationship(s) with our child(ren) 3) Finding things that make ME happy. 4) Gaining a deeper understanding of who I am. 5) Learning patience. 6) Discovering how to enjoy the small things
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Well it has been a while since I posted last and I thought I would throw something out here. I started my Master’s Degree college class for this month and that has acted as a good time filler. My trip to North Carolina is a go for this weekend so that is nice. I have a small 5k fun run coming up at the end of this month with some friends from work and later this week I will be attending a local chapter meeting of The Professional Association of SQL Server (PASS) to better myself in my career. I set up a doctor’s appointment for some yearly stuff just to make sure my body is still in good shape and I have now lost 42 pounds with only around 40 or 50 more to go until my goal. I bought some new cloths and a pair of good running shoes and did my first run in over 6 years the other day. It was only a 1 miler but you have to start somewhere.
There has been no contact with my wife other than D5 or business related since my last post and she has still not reached out to me to see about lunch sometime this week as she said she wanted to. I am being patient but it still hurts. She has yet to reach out to me via any type of communication of her own free will save for one email and a few small text messages. I guess this is how it goes but I really miss my friend something bad. I don’t get posts from senior DB’ers but if I did I would imagine they would tell me that this is when it is most important for me to maintain my patience but this doesn’t make you miss your best friend any less.
I bought her a mother’s day card any filled it out inside but I will not give it to her as I know this is not what I should do. Ohh what a wonderful game this is. When the military sent me to Korea, all my family was sad to loose me for a year but I could never explain to them that I lost all of them at once for that year. The pain was hard on me but I had to stay strong to encourage them. Funny thing is I would gladly do three tours (3 years) back to back if I could just talk to my friend again and have her enjoy talking to me in the process.
I finished the book “The 5 Love Language Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love that Lasts” and found it to be a really solid book. I enjoyed it much greater than the apology one that I read prior. This one goes over the love side of things and has good examples of how to feed someone’s love tank by speaking to them in their primary love language. It will be nice if I ever get the chance to do this with my wife but as of now that is not a valid possibility. My primary was Physical Touch and my secondary was tied between Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. It was interesting but does not help to much right now.
I am moving on to a book called “Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You”. As always once I get over ½ way through this book I will post a review but this will take a bit longer than the previous ones as I now have college reading to content with.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Hang in there soldier. W may not notice them yet, but there are improvements you've made that you are proud of, and you should be. Look at your first paragraph and think of which of those you would have tried 12 months ago. No matter the outcome, you've become a better person and father, and that is important.
Random thoughts from your post:
From what I've read in the threads, if you want more veteran comments from the likes of MrBond, Starsky and Sandi, you need to start screwing up more than you have. They seem to take the cases where the person has no clue and there is nothing you've posted to give the impression that you are off the rails. It's simply a hard situation.
Have you thought about sending W flowers for Mother's Day and have the card read like they were from your D? I don't think this would be pursuing. You would simply being helping D show love. If you have her before Sunday, have D write a card too. It isn't pursuing, but showing D that one can express love for someone, even if it is a trumped up holiday.
You wrote what your 'love languages' are? What are W's? How do they align with yours?
Lastly, what are your thought on the following as either an addition to the list or a slight edit of your #6 'Discovering how to enjoy the small things':
Discovering what is truly important in life.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Thanks for the feedback as usual. I am not too worried as to who posts on my thread and I can see what you are saying about vets reserving their limited time for situations where the person is not grasping the concepts of DB. It is still nice to hear you say that from your perspective I am not of the rails yet. I feel as if I am kind of going through the motions but I guess this is what being patient is all about.
As far as mother’s day goes I helped D5 pick out a small gift for mom and a card. We filled it out last night and set everything up in a little gift bag. Today was my last day with D5 until next week so I had to have it ready early so she could take it home to mom for this weekend. I also bought W a card and filled it out but I did not send it with D5 as I didn't want to get in trouble. I figure when the time is right I will give it to her belated.
I am not sure what my wife’s love languages are. I tried to figure it out on my own but with such a lack of communication for so long I have little clues to go off of. I asked her if she would be willing to take the online quiz and let me know and she said she would but that was almost a week ago and I didn’t want to push it. I was hoping to ask again during our second lunch sometime this week but she still has not reached out to me so I am guessing she has changed her mind about lunch at least for now.
I like the alteration to my number 6 on our list. I say we change number 6 to what you stated as it encompasses what my thought was while hitting much more at the same time.
I went to the doc today for some regular yearly stuff and he said I look healthier than he had ever seen me. I am waiting on blood work to come back but everything else looked great. I have a friend coming over to help me finish fixing my hot tub and am glad for this as I really want to soak in it some tonight. I also hope to do another small run tonight but we will see.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
So this was a rough day for sure and probably some damage done to my sitch. I had a small email conversation with my W for which she started and within it she was mad at me because she found out about my North Carolina trip and that I hadn’t told her. There was a bit of admin but here is the highlights: W: “Finally – as far as lunch goes, I mentioned last night that I cannot do it today as I am swamped with meetings. Now probably wouldn’t be a good time anyway as I’m not in the calmest of mindsets. Thank you for telling me about your trip to NC, although I don’t know why I had to drag it out of you. I’m not going to get started on that.” Me: “I was not trying to hide NC from you. I just wanted to get out of the house for a bit and I didn't want you to be mad at me. Judging from your last email this has had the opposite effect and I should have just told you outright. I will keep trying and will never give up no matter how things are. I just need to work harder and get it done. I know what to do and the next time you come back to the house it will hopefully be in better condition. Please don't worry about cleaning the house on your weekend with Ashrei. I will get it taken care of. I promise.”
Me: “Did you ever take that love languages quiz? I am really curious as to what you found out if you are willing to share.”
W: “Now – back to the current convo. The frustration is bc I has to dig and I always wonder why you make me do that. If you have just said it I wouldn’t have been so upset. But it was like I had to pry it out of you and bc of that it just was odd. The fact that you are going to NC, that you reached out to Paul after years of him trying to reach out to you…it’s all just a major change of direction. And then the fact you are doing it on mother’s day weekend and just logging 16 hours of drive time. I was a bit puzzled. I’m not mad that you’re getting out, and I don’t expect my rant to make a lot of sense, so I’ll hush.”
W: “I took the language of love quiz, but found it a bit narrow minded in how it approached things. Apparently today I am Acts of Service and Physical touch based, but that’s not too hard to figure out why. I think it’s a very situational quiz.”
Me: “Beth I would have never done something on Mother's Day if I thought for one second that you would like me there. You have given me no indication that this was the case. To be honest I don't feel like you really want me around for much of anything right now. I can only read the very few messages you send me and they are always pretty loud and clear. As far as why the change, I couldn't think of a better time for such changes and that is it. You are fine about speaking your mind about the house. It is my responsibility to keep up with it right now and I will. I come back Sunday and will start on these projects Monday after work. I will get it all taken care of. If you came over to do beds it would inadvertently hinder my time with Ashrei as I get to see you so little that it would pull my focus off of Ashrei while you were here. You are continuing to throw a lot of stuff at me between these last two letters and I am trying to do my best. I am sorry you did not enjoy the quiz. I thought it was fairly straight forward myself but I know you do not enjoy those quizzes. Ironically I can’t think of 2 items that I was more neglected of in our old relationship so maybe there is more to it then you are given credit for.”
Me: “No that when you slip back to the house whenever you want there are probably things I did not intend for you to see quite yet so I am sorry about that.”
W: “As I said – it wasn’t planned, but I realized I needed to drop off the check and didn’t have an invoice printed out, so I figured I would leave it with you. I ran upstairs to grab a few things from the bathroom, a ball cap, ash’s gardening gloves, my gloves, and my lifevest/outside stuff. She wants to camp outside. Figured I may try to make that happen as the weather gets nicer, even if it’s in the backyard. I didn’t dig through things and wasn’t trying to be noisy. I just was in and out. My apologies for no notice.”
Ok so way too much R talk and M talk and to pushy and too much pursuing. I know this for sure but I am very tired right now and this is when my emotions always get the best of my mind. This was all bad enough but then after work I asked if she could stop by the house real quick to give her a Mother’s Day card and gift. So ya I pretty much said screw it if you are going to blow yourself up you might as well go all the way.
She came to the house but wouldn’t look me in the eye. She told me that every time she has some good news I seem to want or need something that keeps her from enjoying it. I ask what her news was and she explained that she got the job I had helped her get and it came with a very large pay raise. I told her I was sorry that the site of me made it impossible to enjoy good news and let her leave.
So ya a bad day for me. I hope everyone else is doing better and I will get back on the horse tomorrow.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Hang in there soldier. It is a rocky road. Get out your list of success to get you on the horse. Hopefully this pushes your thread back up and vets like Starsky, MrBond, or Sandi will respond.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Well my trip to North Carolina was very nice. I saw one of my old war buddies and we got to see good old Fort Bragg again for the first time in over a decade. I left feeling really good and the change of scene was wonderful.
I got back into town around 3 in the afternoon on Mother’s Day and I had bought a small stuffed bear for W and D5 while on post. Friday night me and W had talked about if I came into town early enough I might be able to stop by for Mother’s Day and she sounded fairly excited about it. Once in town I park close by to where W was staying and gave her a quick call. It went straight to voice mail and I left a brief message. I waited in the parking lot for 15 minutes and decided to drive over real quick to drop off the gifts.
My wife was not pleased with this at all. I had obviously misinterpreted her communication last Friday and without telling everything I walked away with some answer that I really needed. We did take the opportunity to talk and she explained to me that she does not trust me and although she cares about me as a father and friend she is not sure if she still cares about me as a husband. She said she was afraid of me on all fronts mentally, physically and emotionally and that it was this fear that causes her to send out the mixed messages as she is too afraid to tell me no outright so she leads me on to accommodate me. She also let me know that she does not trust the changes that she has seen in my at all and thinks that I am simply so controlling that I am using this change as a tactic to get another chance to hurt her.
So what does this mean from my point of view? Well I have foolishly allowed myself to build expectation with my spouse because of her communications that where made primarily out of fear. I have moved to fast for her and have pushed too much change in her direction. Even though I did not ask her to notice change, I changed so fast that to her it feels fake. I need to give her total and complete space now and not read anything into her communications moving forward. I am kind of back at step 1 but on a positive I have better footing this time around. I have went back and re-read my old posts and saw that I was starting to get somewhere but lost my patience. I am going to take this as a new beginning and be more patient this time. I have outlined a 4 month plan moving forward and will stick with it at all costs. I will stay consistent in my change as the change is really helping me personally and I want this change badly.
I am tired of messing this up so much over and over again and maybe Mother’s Day was the last eye opener I need to stop messing things up.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
soldier, it does sound like you need to remove the pressure, give W space and let her come to you. Oddly, in my sitch, PO may have helped because it meant no contact at all by me. But W still got info about me during this time, by things I did and didn't do. It also put me in the mindset that M was over. I hoped for a different outcome, but expected it to end in D.
Your W will get info about you as you give her space.
And patience is so hard to practice. But it is part of the path to regaining W's trust. First she must want to trust, then she must feel confident that she can trust. Neither phase is short. I know from my sitch that having the first does not resolve the second.
Where is this legally soldier? I went back and skimmed thread, but am not sure. Has D paperwork been filed? Any Ls involved?
Hang in there.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
As of now there is no official legal action on either of our sides that I know of. She may have went to see a lawyer but I wouldn't know for sure so I will say she hasn't. She told me her current plan is just to keep finishing up school and what not. Kind of like she wants everything to remain normal except with me away from her.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Just my $0.02, but something wasn't adding up for me on the no L front, so I went back through you sitch. You seem confident that there ins't OM, so why hasn't W filed or even seen L? Then I found this in your post from 5/6 from W: "Believe it or not, I miss you too and although I’m still working through things on my end, I haven’t given up."
Unless there is a lot of missing information on your sitch, you haven't written that W said she was done, she hasn't file, she hasn't seen L. W even wrote that she's 'working through things on my end'.
Your GALing seems to be going well. Space and patience are needed. Keep rereading that response. She has to go through it, but there is a lot of hope there. Let her. And maybe cut down the content of your email and conversations with her? Try to target 3 sentences. Quick and concise. That's all she needs.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
