So much of what you said resonated with me as well. Although at this point I have NC with my H. I too feel like by me "letting him go" it is a sign for him that he is ok to move on with whatever it is he is doing and let go of his guilt and anger.
Of course I have no idea what is really going on in his head. It has been about 2.5 weeks since we've had any sort of interaction between us.
I spend so much of my time with the would've and could've and what ifs that it is consuming all of my energy. My IC also says to focus on today and what I can control which is me.
Quote:
"The energy to keep this up is taking a toll on me, and if there is no chance of payoff... back to my beginning-- is it worth it?? Why am I bothering?"
The problem with so many of us on here is we are doing all this, making changes and focusing on 'the payoff' the problem is we focus on the wrong payoff. The payoff we should focus on, and will hopefully get to is the better, happier self.
^^^^^BINGO!!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Been quiet for a few days because I really have been thinking hard about the advice I've been given. Working on detaching and GAL. And now I can say I'm feeling pretty good about that. Some of my 180s that I've accomplished:
-- leaving work thinking about the good things of the day, not the failures. -- living in the moment with my daughter-- trying to not be so controlling, enjoying our time instead of just getting through it. -- not feeling so wistful or worrying/wondering what H is doing. We have very little contact--pretty much just about our D3.
I've had a couple of moments of sadness-- felt like I was tearing up, like "I can't believe this is my life".. but I took a breath and moved on by thinking about something good in my life. I'm just not consumed with feelings of sadness and loss anymore.
Oh, and I'm also starting to let myself come to terms with the fact that this M is likely to end in divorce. It seemed so impossible to me, but here I am 6 months after he BD and left that day, And we have had no R talk, And almost no interaction beyond our D3, since February.
He has moved ahead with meetings with mediator. I know he has noticed the changes in me-- he has complimented me on them -- but no noticeable change in attitude towards our R or M. I'll go to my grave with a clear conscience that I did absolutely everything I could. I'm actually seeing now in him things he complained about in me! ( Anxiety, negativity). He's got his own stuff to work on (and i have no idea if he is or not), but if he doesn't work on those things then he is not someone I should be married to anyway.
WOW Claire the turn around in you is amazing, you sound like your doing SO well, go you!!! I think there comes a point when we've done a lot of the grieving & it clicks that we are the only ones that can make this situation better and we can't spend the rest of our lives mourning a relationship that's well & truly dead. It's at this point that we can really start to do the work on ourselves without constantly looking over our shoulder to see if our spouse is noticing.
Originally Posted By: claire7
Oh, and I'm also starting to let myself come to terms with the fact that this M is likely to end in divorce.
Accepting the reality is really good, it shows that your now acting more from a logical perspective & not an emotional one. None of us know what will happen in the future, but RIGHT NOW our marriages are over and we have to accept that before we can move forwards.
Originally Posted By: claire7
I'll go to my grave with a clear conscience that I did absolutely everything I could. I'm actually seeing now in him things he complained about in me! ( Anxiety, negativity). He's got his own stuff to work on (and i have no idea if he is or not), but if he doesn't work on those things then he is not someone I should be married to anyway.
Absolutely, you've done all that you could & much more besides!!
Often the WAS will project their own behaviours onto you as they feel guilty & allows them to put the blame on you, looking at themselves & taking responsibility is too much for them!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Two big 180s today. .. was 5 minutes into commute to work when I realized I left my phone at home. Old me would have been in a state of panic , fuming at my stupidity, stressing about being late to work. H was at the house watching our D. But instead of coming back in a panicked huff, I came back totally calm and pleasant-- and stayed calm even though I couldn't find it for like 5 minutes.
I felt really proud about that.
Earlier, H noticed a new something I had bought for the house. "Oh, you bought a ...? Why?" Old me would have gotten defensive, felt judged, said something like, "does it bother you?". Instead, I just answered his question calmly
I am confident, capable and strong. He is a fool. I've been thinking a lot more about the things I was unhappy about in our M. I tried to talk to him about them in the past, suggested MC. He always refused. And I was too ill and too afraid to actually take any steps to make a change. Maybe there is someone out there who will be a better match for me. H and I do not speak the same love or apology language. We had so much trouble understanding each other. I certainly can't make him change, and I can't make him want to change. And someone so inflexible and rigid and limited in their capacity to self-reflect is not a good match for me.
I know that my next relationship will be healthier because I am so much more at peace with myself and I know I can change a dynamic single-handedly--i am powerful! That feels really great.
Do we all do this.? Focus on the negative,practice failing, mind read, predict.try to control 6 months on and this last week I have been back to the beginning...not sure why. Perhaps a relaisation that this really is real.. It is encouraging to read I am not the only one
Motivation for GAL has been low.. living alone, very little contact..180 is not contacting. Or crying..Great what a sad little list.. Sugar coating the attitude at work..crying heap at home.. separation and marriage constantly in and on my mind..
Re: I've done all I can: I have a couple of friends who were the WAS. In talking with them about their R, it was clear that their LBS did not follow DB! They did not become the spouse only a fool would leave. And it made their decision to leave so much easier, even though it was so painful for them to do that.
But that is not me. I have accepted responsibility for my part in the failures of our M, and have already made significant changes on the 2 biggest issues that H raised. And even though I made lots of mistakes at the beginning, I also took responsibility right away. I said that a separation would be good for us, to help us restart. I was not in denial and I didn't blame him.
But alas.
I'm experimenting in teeny tiny ways-- just friendly conversation in the small moments that I see him. Lately he has been a tiny bit warmer. I am still committed to DB for my daughter's sake, but I certainly don't want him back as is. And since he doesn't want me either, that makes it bit easier.
