2 Months In And Feeling So Broken

[hope456]

Jenn - I also see my H almost every day. When we told D7 that H was moving out, he told her that she would be spending 50 percent of the time with each parent, but added that the other parent would come tuck her in everyday. So, when she is at H's apartment, I go over at bedtime and tuck her in. He does the same when she is at home. It was really difficult for me at first, especially when I would go to his apartment and then have to leave both of them there, but it really has gotten easier over time.

[Upwards]

Upwards, thanks for your attention. Especially, given your tough situation right now.

I'm by no means an expert but I know just how tough it is being suddenly left as a single parent of small children & I also know how much help you need, I was exactly the same and felt I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. However by setting some boundaries, taking control of what I wanted and how I wanted the situation to work it helped me gain in confidence and realize that I CAN do this on my own and I don't NEED my H to be here all the time.

Looking back now I can see that having him around had such a negative impact on me and how I was feeling but I was too scared and not ready to let go and put the distance between us, it's a process and when your ready you'll make changes that you feel are best for you - I'm not trying to push you, just wanted to share what I can see now looking back, I wish I'd done it from the beginning but I wasn't strong enough until recently.

I'm also finding waves of acceptance and calm (almost calm) that come and go.

This is good, hopefully these feelings will come more and more it often feels like one step forward and 2 steps back so don't panic if you have days where you struggle, try to remember your healing.

I've really spent the last day focusing on living in the moment with my girls and it is so awesome how receptive they are. So loving and caring.

Amazing aren't they, my kids have certainly been my rock through this without even knowing it keep focusing on them and yourself.

Someone said something to me that's really stuck in my head, they said to imagine your H has died and you've gone through a lot of grieving process, your still sad and miss him a lot, what would you be doing to rebuild your life and find peace & happiness again?

[labug]

I'm not in control of anything

There's the truth you need to focus on. A large percentage of the folks who find themselves here are/were controllers. The only thing in life you have control over is you.

What are you doing to learn to be in control of you?

Your H said you were angry and negative and he was tired of walking on eggshells (I don't think he said exactly that but it seemed close. I got the same advice from my H-and he was right)

What are you doing to change that?

I'm also an introvert but I have a few friends. I realize it would be difficult when you work form home but you must need to network and attend business events.

Who don't you have at least one friend? Have you had friendships that ended?

You are grieving, accept that and let it take as long as it takes. Trying to deny it, push it down or hurry it up doesn't work. Accept that you're grieving, accept that you're angry, accept that you're hurt. Remember, accepting your feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them.

Lashing out in anger at your H is reinforcing his need to be away from you.

How are you working on that?

Mind reading is our enemy. You don't really know how he's feeling about being away from you and especially the kids. So don't go there, it doesn't help you. I can't imagine a man who has been an involved father wouldn't sorely miss his Ds.

Cut your interactions with him to a little as you can get by with. With kids you can't really go dark but try to be as dark as possible. Going dark allows you to obtain a semblance of self-control so that every interaction you have isn't charged, because each of those interactions reinforces the WAS reasons for leaving.

You're angry that your H has no responsibilities around the children. How did that happen? I was complicit in creating that situation in my M because I thought I did it better or it was my job. We can't suddenly blame our H's for these things when we were a party to creating the situation. If you want him to have more responsibility, have a talk with him. I think Dad's should have more responsibility and many of them want it.

You change and the R then has space to change. You've been given the gift of time, use it wisely (I'm quoting Cadet). Don't waste your precious time on worrying about and trying to fix the past, use it to change the things you know you need to change. Move forward.

Become the JennD you are meant to be.

[JennD]

Thanks Hope, Upwards and Labug. I'm focusing alot on what you said. Its given me alot to think about. And work on.

H left this morning to go to work and then on to the wedding weekend for our friends. (2 hours drive away)

Part of me was fine and detatched (telling him to have a great time, etc) and part of me was sad to not be going.

H doesn't wear a suit very often and looks so handsome when he does. I know it will be lot of fun and I'm disappointed that I won't be part of that fun.

Early on in this "adventure", I guess, I had hoped we would be "all fixed up" by now and that we would both be going.

And I guess I'm afraid of how he'll be having a great time without me, further reinforcing how great his single life will be...

Deep breath! Moving on from those thoughts.


I have my IC next week and I will talk with C about alot of the questions Labug asked - what am I doing to lose my controlling and angry ways, and what does my best "me" looks like. All good things for me and everyone in my life.

I'm finding ways so somehow pause the negative spiriling thoughts and, while feeling them, stop focusing to intently on them. Almost acknowledging them, and moving on. Sometimes.

So its just me and my girls this weekend. We have lots of fun planned (I'm kind of impressed with myself for finding so much fun!).

Tonight, as long as the weather holds off, after D7 is home from school, we're goingto a food fest of gourmet food trucks (some really yummy choices!) for dinner. Some friends might join us.

Saturday, D7 has a new yoga class and in the mid afternoon, we are dressing up and going to a watch niece and nephew perform at a folk dancing concert. and then dinner.

Sunday we are going to the first communion of my god-daughter. And family lunch afterwards.

Looking forward to dressing up with my daughters. Although the BD diet has me 35 lbs down and I'll have to see if my dress that I want to wear still fits. I don't usually have an issue with stuff being too big (usually the reverse!) Silver lining? Still not worth it!

So off to have a good weekend! Really seeing that I need to live in the moment and enjoy rather than controlling and worrying about whats next...

Feeling positive today. (Thanks to many of my DB friends!)

[JennD]

[quote]

I'm also an introvert but I have a few friends. I realize it would be difficult when you work form home but you must need to network and attend business events.

Who don't you have at least one friend? Have you had friendships that ended?

The funny part is I'm an extrovert. In a big way. H is the introvert. I have no trouble talking to people I don't know.

I just was so wrapped up in my own life and family, that I didn't maintain my friendships.

I have neighbours that I'm friends with - go for coffee or take the kids to movies with. I'm very close with one of my sisters. But thats it.

I;ve signed up for a 3 or so meet up groups and I'm just waiting for the times I'm free match up with the interesting meet up events match. I'm hoping to meet some new friends there.

2 are for others newly seperated or divorced and one is for women looking to make friends with other women.

Fingers crossed.

As much as I don't like to admit it, I am very judgemental and would often dismiss anyone who let me down or didn't meet my expectations.

Its amazing how that characteristic trait was instantly stripped down as I felt (and feel) so humbled and exposed after BD that I now look at others with different eyes.

I now look at others and think that you don't know whats happening in their life and they could be going thru soemthing like me right now or worse.

Maybe this is the silver lining or a lesson from my heartache over the last 3 months - that I learn not to dismiss or judge others. This change truly amazes me.

[labug]

As much as I don't like to admit it, I am very judgemental and would often dismiss anyone who let me down or didn't meet my expectations.

Its amazing how that characteristic trait was instantly stripped down as I felt (and feel) so humbled and exposed after BD that I now look at others with different eyes.

I now look at others and think that you don't know whats happening in their life and they could be going thru soemthing like me right now or worse.

Maybe this is the silver lining or a lesson from my heartache over the last 3 months - that I learn not to dismiss or judge others. This change truly amazes me.

I needed this lesson too. Your awareness shows a lot of ability for self-reflection. Stay with that.

The growth you've experienced is a sign that even more can happen. As long as we stay stuck in old patterns, there's little room for change.

[JennD]

Labug - thanks for the insight on my self-reflection.

It felt good to read that! Like I'm doing something right:)

[Upwards]

It felt good to read that! Like I'm doing something right:)

Your doing so much right, give yourself some credit girl your doing fab!

[JennD]

[JennD]

Hi all. Have had a good few days. (as you know, good is relative!)

H is away at the wedding. He's called to talk to the girls a few times ( to say good night etc) and as a result, have had few friendly words her and there with H.

Been busy with the girls this weekend. We dressed up and had a great afternoon/evening with family at a special event.

One thing - ran into an old friend who I have'nt seen since last summer. She asked how thing were, etc, etc, and asked about H (ie was her at the special event with me).

Was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to respond.

Just said soemthing about him being away for the weekend (which is kind of true - but only the half truth). Made me think about how i will manage that questuon in the future...don;t like that idea.

I haven't been so sad the last few days. Feeling like I'm making changes in my attitude...busy is good.

Thanks for reading...

Jenn