KGirl con't #3

[KGirl]

GB - yes, I know I shouldn't concern myself with what H is working on or whether he follows through/makes the most of his IC... but it's ok to hope, right? I keep hoping that it will 2x4 him into realizing that his unhappiness is internal and not just because of me. I also feel his views of what M or a W should be are very unrealistic. He wants someone to "mother him" (his words), cook him dinner every day, not talk back or stand up for herself, and have sex 4-5 times a week. And not have to share things about his life like when he'll be home from work or who he hangs out with. It seems pretty one-sided - all about him. There's my outburst for the day about him, now I can be done

Several things happened today that helped put thingsinto perspective for me. I've been feeling very victim-y lately: Why me? Why is this happening to ME? It's not fair. I don't deserve this. etc.

-There is drama all over fbook about this girl from my HS, my age but with 4 kids already, who turns out has been cheating on her H since Thanksgiving and bringing her kids around the OM. The drama comes in because his sisters also were in our class and keep posting about how you can't trust anyone, how some people are just terrible, etc. So, things could be worse. I don't mean this badly towards those who have kids because kids are great, but I am at least glad this is all coming up now instead of H waiting until after we had kids. AND I'm glad there's no fbook drama!

-I went to an awards ceremony today for returning adult student scholarships. One of the students I work with received a scholarship. It was very inspiring to hear all the stories of people coming back to school 10, even 20 years after HS to pursue their dreams of earning a degree. Many of the students were single moms, many divorced, who decided to finally pursue the dreams they had put on the back burner and make a better life for them and their kids. These students have it SO much harder than I do. They have families, often work full or part-time, AND are trying to go back to school at a place that is very geared towards traditional-age students (plus technology has changed so much, they often comment how you don't do things like go to buildings to register for classes - you do it all online!) And yet, were any of them complaining how sucky and hard their life was? No, they were so grateful for the opportunities available to them and were looking forward to how their lives were going to improve. My education is as far as I want to take it, I have a stable gov't job that I love, I will be able to make it on my own - I have very few obstacles in my way. If these women can do this, I certainly can!

[hope456]

GB - yes, I know I shouldn't concern myself with what H is working on or whether he follows through/makes the most of his IC... but it's ok to hope, right? I keep hoping that it will 2x4 him into realizing that his unhappiness is internal and not just because of me.

I'm right here with you. I'm staying optimistic that he'll figure out some of his issues in IC. Other than a couple of slip-ups early on, I've been very careful to keep that hope to myself, though.

not talk back or stand up for herself

This sounds familiar. My H sees me having a difference of opinion as me being unsupportive or of us being incompatible.

I really like the rest of your post. I think it is important for us to remember that we still have lots to be grateful for and not to lose sight of that.

[KGirl]

Well, H started reading his IC homework today... then fell asleep. Then woke up and ran off to soccer, telling me "I'll be home sometime later" which so far has meant "I'm doing something after soccer so won't be home in an hour like expected." Which bothers me a lot less lately (I still have twinges of wondering who he is with/what he's doing, but then I use that time to enjoy having the house to myself, rather than stress about it for hours)... but doesn't give him much time to finish his homework. He said he had an IC appointment this week so that leaves tomorrow. But, not my problem, right? I might have a hard time keeping my mouth shut if he says IC's not helpful againv('cause I'll want to say "well, if you did the WORK you were supposed to do...")

H's soccer involvement has gotten a little out of hand - 3-4 times a week. If we were "actually" M that would not be acceptable, but I'm refraining from saying anything about it. I don't know if that's a controlling thought, or a reasonable thought? It takes a ton of time, and the outcome is he does things like leave dirty dishes on the counter for a week (not an overstatement). Before BD when he'd do that much soccer, we wouldn't do anything together besides eat dinner and watch TV because he was so tired he didn't have any motivation to go out and do anything on his "off" nights. But, now on his "off" nights, he'll stay out after work until 10-11 doing who knows what, so maybe he's not really too tired - he just didn't want to hang out with me. That idea makes me sad. H is going to Chicago with a friend of his for the 2nd time in the past couple of years soon, and wants me to watch the cat (still thinking of my answer to that). The first time when he went I said I'd really like us to go to Chicago together. He said "I'd rather go with [friend], it wouldn't be as fun with you." There have been many instances where H has said he didn't want to do something with me but was happy to do it with friends - why did I just brush that off before? Looking back, it really hurts.

Re: the fbook incident I mentioned above where someone from our high school was cheating on her H, my H saw that too and said "Wow... that's just terrible. If I was ever in that situation I'd hope I could be a better person. Especially if I had kids." It just blows my mind that he doesn't think that what he's doing right now is just as terrible (I guess 'cause he's not actually "cheating" and we don't have kids so then it's OK to drop someone to pursue your own happiness, whatever that means?) Can you tell I'm feeling a bit angry towards H today?

I periodically have feelings of anxiety about moving... thoughts like "what if H wants to get back together and now I've spent all this time and money? I will be so resentful towards him!" I'm working on accepting those feelings as they come, acknowledging them, and then telling myself that I can't possibly know what may or may not happen in the future. All I know is today's reality, and that is that H is pretty sure he doesn't want to be M, and given that, I want to live my own life and not be his roommate for convenience. I thought originally I was sad about leaving my house, but thinking it through, it's moreso the IDEA of it - I had done everything in what I thought was the "right" order (went to college, went to grad school, got married, got a cat, bought a house... then kids would be later) and now moving back to an apartment feels like I failed at life in someway. I know logically this isn't true, and that this would be what would happen if we D anyway, and plenty of people live in apts and I shouldn't be so judgy. But it still makes a knot in my stomach. The physical house itself is just a space to live in, what makes it a home is what happens in it - and right now it doesn't feel like a home when I have to live with someone who feels the way my H feels about me.

I have not snooped since whenever I committed myself to stopping (several weeks ago?) and while sometimes I'm curious, I don't do it, because I know how crappy it makes me feel. I'm starting to feel more and more like he's a stranger - who is this person? I know so little about what he's up to nowadays. Once in awhile he'll tell me random things about work, but it's always about other people at work and what they're doing - never about himself, or what he's doing after work or on the weekends when he's gone. Guess it's all part of him wanting to live his "own, separate life" that I know nothing about?

[labug]

I periodically have feelings of anxiety about moving... thoughts like "what if H wants to get back together and now I've spent all this time and money? I will be so resentful towards him!" I'm working on accepting those feelings as they come, acknowledging them, and then telling myself that I can't possibly know what may or may not happen in the future. All I know is today's reality, and that is that H is pretty sure he doesn't want to be M, and given that, I want to live my own life and not be his roommate for convenience. I thought originally I was sad about leaving my house, but thinking it through, it's moreso the IDEA of it - I had done everything in what I thought was the "right" order (went to college, went to grad school, got married, got a cat, bought a house... then kids would be later) and now moving back to an apartment feels like I failed at life in someway. I know logically this isn't true, and that this would be what would happen if we D anyway, and plenty of people live in apts and I shouldn't be so judgy. But it still makes a knot in my stomach. The physical house itself is just a space to live in, what makes it a home is what happens in it - and right now it doesn't feel like a home when I have to live with someone who feels the way my H feels about me.

I'm going to focus on this because the rest I think may be journaling and it's about things out of your control.

So it makes a knot in your stomach. All changes in life give us some kind of uncomfortable feelings. It's OK.

You're not about to be eaten by a lion.

Perspective.

[KGirl]

Thanks, labug. I know there could be many worse things out there...but perspective is hard when life has been relatively smooth up until this point! I feel like one of my students who is complaining about getting a C in a class...life will go on but it s*cks in the moment.

So H went to a movie yesterday while I was out running errands. I only know because he sent me a text saying he had gotten too big of popcorn and soda for himself. When he got home, he said he thought about asking me to go, "but it would be just to have someone to go with." My question is, if he does ask me to do anything in the near future, do I:
-accept, with no expectations, and use it as an opportunity to be intentional about interacting in a better way? Or...
-say no, that I don't want to do things with him unless he wants to work on our M (this would be in the no cake eating spirit?)

Along those lines, should I ask him to do anything providing I still do it anyway if he says no? His mention of thinking of inviting me to do something has thrown me off a little!

[KGirl]

bumping my last post 'cause any advice or input would be appreciated re: what to do if H does invite me to do something? Give it a chance w/ no expectations, or stand my ground/no cake eating?....

...I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Can I forgive my H? Should I? In my reading and searching I've found that forgiving is one thing, rebuilding trust is different. You can forgive but we don't have to put ourselves in situations where we get hurt again unless there is information or conversation to say differently. Keeping that in mind has helped me a lot in wrapping my head around this. Continuing to feel hurt and victimized is of my own doing - I always thought the phrase "forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves" was kinda cheesy and didn't really make sense. I get it now.

I wanted to post this quote because I found it very helpful, and maybe others will too. It helped me put into perspective that my H isn't doing this with the intent to hurt me - he just doesn't know another way right now to act or do what he needs to be happy:

"Forgiveness does not mean approval. It involves a willingness to see with new eyes--to understand and let go. They did what they did out of their own weakness. You did not deserve it. They could not teach you what they did not know. They could not give you what they did not have." - Dr. Louise Hart

[zew]

something I wrote on another thread a while back when thinking on forgiveness...

Now as for forgiveness. I will forgive my wife for the A, because if I don't, the anger and negativity will corrode my soul and affect me and make me bitter. So the act of forgiving is an act of self preservation. Now about being forgiven. If you have recognized your faults, and have truly made changes to improve yourself, what more can you do? You should be of clear conscience. You can't forever blame yourself for your earlier ignorance of your faults. At that point, how much does someone else's approval matter? Point being, her forgiving you or not is not going to change your course of action to improve yourself. And if you follow through, then I think forgiveness of your faults becomes her issue, not yours.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi K-Girl,

Just catching up on your thread. I think it's great that you are journaling-think that helps us come to terms with what we feel. In regards to accepting invitations with your h, let's think about that for a minute. How does hanging out with him right nor make you feel? I think saying you are only willing to go if he wants to work on the m is a know. Besides, actions speak louder than words so it sounds as if your h is not actively doing anything to indicate he wants to work on the m. If you can go with no expectations and you want to, then go. Personally, I would not buy that's just me.

In regards to forgiveness, it's a process. Sadly, there is no magic pill or switch to forgive. I do believe in order to truly live, grow and thrive, one has to forgive. Forgiveness is for you. It's not negating another 's actions or behavior. However, forgiveness can help you move forward. It just takes time.

I have a strong dislike for the victim mentality. We all feel it from time to time, and I think it's important to not play that card as there is no way to truly live or grow with that mentality. It's true the situation s$&ks and it ca be challenging to wrap your mind around it.

Loved Labug's comment of not being eaten by a lion that made me laugh.

[Georgiabelle]

Oops. Is a no. Speedy typing on my phone.

[KGirl]

I have a couple more conundrums that I'm having trouble with in my "limbo" status

1) The gutters. We have a lot of trees around the house, and the gutters and downspouts very quickly get clogged, which leads to water running over the sides, which leads to flooded basements. H goes up on the roof once a week to clean them but it still happens. In the fall we had talked about gutter guards, and just never got around to it...
... now, H says he's sick of the gutter situation and wants to get gutter guards, and said we'd have to talk about how we'd want to pay for them. Not sure how to deal with this. I could
A) Insist he pays for them in full (we're talking $1,300 or so which isn't small change for us), because I'm moving June 1, and last word was he was 99% sure he wanted a divorce, so therefore 99% sure I won't be moving back into this house. Why should I pay for something I will reap no benefit from?
B) As a gesture of goodwill/in hopes that I might return to the house one day (which I would not say to him) offer that we pay for it from our joint account, so essentially split 50/50. If we end up having to sell the house and split the proceeds then the investment could be helpful. But, if he buys the house from me then I'm basically out that money.

Anyone else have situations like this (home repairs, big expenses, etc.) that they had to deal with?

The 2nd conundrum just resolved itself, I think. H and I have the same hair stylist. She doesn't know that we are S yet, but I think it would be good for her to know so she doesn't ask me questions like "How's H? How's your house? Your H is so bad at scheduling appts in advance! etc." I just got back from seeing her and chickened out on telling her. When she asked about H I just answered as vaguely as possible. As I was typing the first question above, H came by and noticed I got my haircut...
H: So did you tell [hair stylist] about us?
Me: No. But she said you had a haircut in a few weeks, so you could talk to her then.
H: OK. Yeah, I scheduled something.

I wasn't sure if I should just go ahead and tell her or email her, or get H to do it since he's the one that wants all this anyway! So hopefully he follows through. If not that will be awkward but I guess I'll deal with it at that time. I'm hoping she can keep an eye on our appts and let me know if we're scheduled back to back ever, because once I move I really don't want to see him if at all possible. One of my friends who knows us both said today that she'd bet that within a month of me being gone, H will realize what he's missing. I hope so but... I don't know. When he has to do things on his own (like go get toilet paper because he literally ran out... oops) he says things like "I know you would take care of this stuff, but I'll just have to do it on my own. I'm not staying with someone just to help with chores." So I don't think that missing me making dinner, or taking care of things around the house, is going to be enough to bring him "back"