I think I belong here #3

[job]

GA,
Please stop drinking his Kool-Aide. You didn't cause this problem and you certainly didn't shove him into his crisis. You didn't get what you deserved because you didn't create his mess. He did.

Your children are the most precious jewels in your tiara. Cherish them and love them because they will soon be all grown up and out on their own. Do not regret for one minute the time and love you gave your children. If your h had problems w/this, then he should have been a man and stepped up to the plate and had discussions w/you about it and not waited this long to up and decide he's not happy.

You didn't break him...you can't fix him. Keep your focus on you and the kids.

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^^^

This. 100%. I heard the same thing. Take care Praying. It's not you.

[BrightFuture]

Praying, I’ve been where you are. I was thinking too much about the future… I cried a lot… I missed H… Every step he took toward moving further away from (like having separate bank account, etc.) made me miserable and I was thinking that it was it, it was real… I could not accept what was happening, I didn’t not believe it… When I married him I thought it was forever… I could not imagine my life without him…

I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately there is not a fast way to get through this. It will get better. I think that being in denial kind of helped me to have some hope. I always thought that H would not find anybody better than me. And guess what, after almost 2 years, he doesn’t have anyone permanent.

Your H is in infatuation stage with OW. This is why he thinks that he is sure about what he is doing, he is moving on. He needs to go through it and learn that grass is not greener on the other side. It will take some time. There is nothing you can do right to stop him from wanting a D. And more you resist, more determined he will be. I always remind myself “In relationship, what you resist persists.” So, let him do the work.


Take care of yourself and come here to vent. We are here for you.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you all... from the bottom of my heart.

I don't know why today has been so emotionally trying. Nothing triggered it and it isn't a special day or anything. Just a typical day doing day to day things with the kids.

I truly appreciate the support and the help you all offer. I know I have not had nearly the number of strong days vs weak days. I appreciate the pull you all have. You help bring me back to the present and ground my mind when it needs to be redirected.

I am still sad and I am still crying tonight but I know it will get better. I'm just going to let today be that day. The day where I need to cry and grieve. Tomorrow will be better....and the day after that and after that. One day, one hour, one foot in front of the other...

[LiveNow]

Praying -- Go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow -- a new day. It WILL be better than today! I'm having fewer of the bad ones and more good ones lately. That switch will happen for you, too, soon. I think I just finally got tired (after about 9 months) of feeling lousy all the time, because of him and his MLC. I wanted to feel happy again, so I got busy trying to make that happen on my own. You have 3 wonderful kids to keep you going - I do not have that blessing in my life. I can't tell you how many times I've read 'If it weren't for my kids, I'd never have made it through!' Hang in there...and no more Kool-Aide...

[T-boned]

Praying - I'm just another in an unfortunately LONG line of people who have and are going through this too. Like you, I have had some terrible days lately where I cry for no apparent reason, it just happens, wells up out of the cavern where your heart used to be (a little dramatic, I know, but that's what it feels like, right?). Just go ahead and feel it, own it, let it out (when and where appropriate)because growth and strength will come. You may not see or feel it yourself, but from what you write here at this site we will all see it and tell you so. You are grieving, grieving for the man you once knew who now all of the sudden seems to have disappeared. Your heart breaks not only for your loss but for your children whose father is no where in sight.

So you keep those kids close to you - you need them, and more importantly, they need you! I, like LiveNow, don't have children to take comfort in or have as a reason to be strong and fight through this, but we and all the others like us will get through it as well. It's a long road, one none of us wants to be on, but sadly this was not our choice. At least we have each other to walk with.

Praying, you are not the reason for his insanity - it's from within him, he has demons he is fighting. Doesn't make it easier for you to know this, but even though he may not show it (which I'm sure he won't) he is in his own personal h@ll. So HE has to figure his way out. And you need to find the strength to take care of yourself so your kids have the anchor they need. Sorry it all has to fall on you right now, but for right now there is no other choice.

We are all here for you, and though it's sad to think of how many others there are in the world going through this pain and heartache, at least we have each other here on these boards. Truly a Godsend.

Now, go hug and kiss your kids, get some rest and see what tomorrow brings. Look for the small miracles in life, that flower blossoming in your yard or the neighbors yard, a hummingbird visiting a feeder, anything in nature - just stop and observe. See the little beautiful things that go on right before our very eyes even if only for a moment. It helps.

Hugs and love to you, Praying.

[Matt165]

Hang in there praying!
You did not ask for any of this. Nothing you did or didn't do had anything to do with it. I too sometimes think "If only I'd _____ she wouldn't be doing this" but it's not so. Your putting the kids first didn't make this happen. If you were the PERFECT wife (and no one is perfect) he would still be doing this. Listen to what he says himself, it's ALL about HIM. Believe me I don't get how they can be SO selfish either but they are. I feel the pain in your words and relate. I waited until I was almost 30 to marry because I wanted to be sure I found the right person. I made sure before I married that person agreed that divorce WASN'T an option. Then after 20 years when you think you're safe, I get a wife who is having an MLC and it all falls down.

I know it's hard but try and hang in and take it one day at a time!

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks again everyone. Today is another day and while not quite so sad as yesterday, I am still kinda stuck. I will see him today since he comes here to stay with the kids when I work. He will be here tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night, and then leave Friday. Then I work the weekend so, yay, I get him here again Saturday night, Sunday, and Sunday night.

It's easier when I don't have to see him.

I have been spending the day ruminating on the idea of friends. We both miss the friendship we once had. He of course wants to be good friends, co-parents, etc. Is it better for me to suck it up, let him go, detach, accept my marriage is over (because even if it's not, the old one is), and have him in my life as a friend?

We were friends for a year before we started dating. We dated for 4 years before our wedding. He knows everything about me. He knows my fears, my thrills, my secrets, my families secrets....he knows my life. He knows me.

I pondered on the idea of who do I miss? Do I miss really miss my husband? I mean, for the last year or so we haven't really had a true marriage. I do my thing, he does his, we eat dinner and watch TV together at night. But no love, no "I love you", no cuddles, random intimacy, no hugs or kisses, not even in the same bed.....Friends living together, raising kids, occasionally sleeping together.

I DO want more from a relationship. I want to be loved and hugged and kissed and desired. I want to have that closeness that distinguished friends from couples. He does too. That's what he wants and he feels as though we couldn't have that back. I feel like we could be amazing lovers and spouses again now that we recognize what we are missing....but I can't make him want the same things when he is infatuated with the faux green grass of the single life.

All of that to say....

Do I want him in my life enough to embrace him as a friend or do I want him completely out of my life except for kid and check exchanges?

Do I miss my husband or the friendship we had as roommates?

So much going on in my head today.

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

I'm glad to hear you are having a better day. In regards to friendship, I don't know if you can "decide" right now what that looks like. My h and always referred to each other as best friends-he even said that on his way out. He wanted to hang out with me, be best friends with me, yada, yada. I did not buy that then because I knew intuitively it just wouldn't work right now. And while I have done a good job with detaching, I could never in a billion years be friends with this man right now. Friendly, yes. For me, a big part of the foundation of friendship is trust. Do you trust your h right now?

Your h is still morphing. He is going further along his journey. I have no idea what will happen, however you may start to see behaviors and actions that make it difficult to be his "friend" right now. People in MLC have a tendency to get worse before they get better. That doesn't mean you are rude or cold, rather pleasant like speaking with a distant business associate. I think you may find as the days continue, it may be difficult to be "friends" with your h as he is not the man you once knew.

In regards to what you miss, it's possible that you miss both. Was your h a cheerleader for you? Did he compliment you frequently? Did he make you feel special? Obviously over such a long period of time, you have "inside" jokes and stories that only you share. Also, the person you experience the birth of a child with is one that cannot be put into words. The loss of those times is sad and hurtful. We all need a cheerleader and it never hurts to be your own cheerleader.

I think in time you will find what works best for you when interacting with your h. And I think you will find, those interactions may evolve over time. However, for now, do what is best for you. It will all come to you. My suggestion is don't "force" friendship. Your situation is still raw and you need to heal. Nothing has to be decided in regards to how you will interact with him over the course of time.

Hang in there:)

[praying_in_GA]

Well, I was having a better day. Then he comes to my house to watch the kids and bring divorce in a box with him... From Staples. He said we are going I fill it out and let our attorneys look it over then file.

I know it's just paper but it hurts so so deep right now. My soul is dying.