But then I remember that I am trying to send a clear message through silence and non-contact - and I stop. Then I ask myself "to what end?" -- why would I even bother communicating or reaching out? I am really drawing a line right now - seemingly for the first time. It feels weird because I do miss her still, and that urge to want to "fix and prove" still lingers - but I am fighting it like crazy.
Some day, after you no longer feel that need to prove yourself to her then, hopefully, you will feel free to send a photo or whatever without it playing havoc with your emotions. At the moment, you are too conflicted. You seem to be placing more agony on Crimson than she is.
I see you as the type of person that wants his life to be tidy and organized. Everrything has a compartment and a label, so to speak. You have all these unanswered questions and unresolved issues that you don't know what to name it or what to do with it.
When you were hit by the first bomb, it sent your world into a tailspin and so many things were out of your control.......which had to have felt frightening. Based on things you've said over time, I also wonder if you feel you have to earn the good things that happen. Most of all be "good enough" to earn your XW's approval. You have constantly second guessed yourself as a result of not receiving her complete acknowledgment/approval. I say "complete" b/c even though she admits you have changed.......it is not enough to make a difference in her "feelings" for you. You have been through the fire, so to speak, but it is still not good enough? I think maybe you are close to realizing at this point it becomes her personal problem. When you become all you can be...and the other person says, "sorry, but no feelings for ya", what more can you expect from yourself? You have been told how you cannot control her. Neither can you control her emotions. We can't force another person to love or accept us for who we are. Which makes sense that if we don't make the improvements for ourselves, and do it only to get back the WAS, those changes will eventually fall by the wayside.
She hasn't taken responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the M, and neither has she taken any responsibility (to your knowledge) to gain information in how she could make a difference in her feelings and the R. She doesn't have the emotional energy/motivation to change herself or put work into the R. She wants a dream guy to swoop her off her feet and the romantic, sexual love just knock her over. This is not at all unusal for the WAW's train of thought. Starting a brand new R seems much easier than fixing the old one. But if she sees him long enough, some of that will fade. That is a fact of life.
It may take your XW dating some other men before she discovers what she gave up. Doesn't make you feel any better, but bottom line is she will have to learn the hard way. As much as we want to help the ones we love, sometimes we just have to step back and let "life" do it.
You said something about how she probably looks at you as being one more man who disappointed her, or let her down. Can't remember exactly how you phrased it, but I gathered she had reason to not think highly of most men. However, as sad as that may be, and as much as you may desire to be all things to her......you still have to let her be on her own and find the way for herself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Also, if her new man gets along with her former h, how bad can the ex be? Of course this presupposes the new guy is a decent fellow. (Otherwise, he makes you look even better).
As I have said before, this guy is probably the greatest guy ever.....near perfect. And she is probably wildly in love. I'm willing to bet HE makes ME look bad!
If you have said what needed to be said, then please, at least for now, go in peace.
.....I am pretty much gone in peace. I have moments when I want to text.....but they are few and far between and I let them pass.
"You seem to be placing more agony on Crimson than she is." You are very right, Sandi. I think part of what bothers me is that in my mind she is happily living without a thought of me anywhere to be found in her mind. Wistfully clicking her heels in the air, taking our S by the hand and marching right over to OM. <---- Not healthy, and I am trying to work through it bothering me.
"I see you as the type of person that wants his life to be tidy and organized. Everrything has a compartment and a label, so to speak. You have all these unanswered questions and unresolved issues that you don't know what to name it or what to do with it."
Right again, Sandi. You have gotten a pretty decent profile of me since I have been here. Am I that transparent? Believe it or not, getting over this quality has been a 180 goal of mine since I started the "inward journey". Dealing with messiness, uncertainty and rolling with it. As it relates to this situation I would give myself a D-. Other things? B+.
"Based on things you've said over time, I also wonder if you feel you have to earn the good things that happen. Most of all be "good enough" to earn your XW's approval."
That makes three whacks right between the eyes, Sandi. I VERY much feel like this is my conscience mind and my sub conscience. I feel like I lost my XW and S due to my actions and need to make amends and earn them back....I guess that what has been driving me for so long. That and, well, the fact that she is still in my heart and I don't want to be a part-time dad to my son.
I think maybe you are close to realizing at this point it becomes her personal problem
Academically, Sandi - I have finally accepted the fact that it REALLY is her personal problem at this point. I was so inwardly directed for so long I stopped looking at her (as well I should have). But now that I have seemingly come to the end of the road for me I can look at her and start to believe something is not altogether "right" in her perception and actions. Not that I can DO anything about it - but who can leave their 18 month old baby after trying to get pregnant for three years? So many things don't add up - and won't. I am trying to drop them.
"She hasn't taken responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the M, and neither has she taken any responsibility (to your knowledge) to gain information in how she could make a difference in her feelings and the R"
Well, as I have noted before - the extent of her responsibility has been "I ALLOWED you to be the way you were". She also said in a rare candid moment when she was living in the house last spring that she "was was broken/not whole when I met her". That's about as deep as it got.
"She wants a dream guy to swoop her off her feet and the romantic, sexual love just knock her over. This is not at all unusal for the WAW's train of thought. Starting a brand new R seems much easier than fixing the old one. But if she sees him long enough, some of that will fade. That is a fact of life."
Part of me, Sandi, sincerely believes that this is what is actually going on. She can't be more that 3-4 months in with OM right now and I know for sure that it is the first relationship she has been in since the D (not counting out brief R attempt). Objectively speaking, it has to feel great. The attention, the bubbly chemicals and so on....all the stuff that isn't inherently present in a 5-6 year marriage marred by 3 years of infertility and coping with the stress of being new parents. Yep.....a "new guy" and new relationship probably looks pretty d@mn good. You...as well as others here and some of my closest friends have also said that it will fade. One good friend that was actually very close to XW at one point said it will be "shorter than a beer buzz".
"It may take your XW dating some other men before she discovers what she gave up. Doesn't make you feel any better, but bottom line is she will have to learn the hard way. As much as we want to help the ones we love, sometimes we just have to step back and let "life" do it."
Maybe she will discover what she gave up. My heart hopes she does...even if I am not available if/when it ever happens. Notwithstanding, after way too much time trying to carve a path for the river with my bare hands I am just going to do my best to let it go where it is supposed to go. My gut tells me that there is still more to be told in this story -- but my days of being an active contributor to it are kind of gone. One of the best things that you or 25 told me was that we can't teach or spouses a lesson about anything...at all...ever. LIFE will always do that for them.
"You said something about how she probably looks at you as being one more man who disappointed her, or let her down. Can't remember exactly how you phrased it, but I gathered she had reason to not think highly of most men. However, as sad as that may be, and as much as you may desire to be all things to her......you still have to let her be on her own and find the way for herself."
Before we met, she had terrible luck with me. Flakey, unmotivated, non-committal, egotistical, flat out lazy, dishonest....she had met them all. She always went out of her way to tell me how I was NONE of that and I was the first man she had dated that was dependable and did what he said he was going to do...that called her when he said he would call every time....that bought her flowers and spoiled her. As cheesy as it may sound she told me once that the song "All The Man I Need" by Whitney Houston always made her think about her life and me....hearing her say that made me feel so good....like I was making a positive impact in her life. She said she was in awe when I proposed and opened that ring box because she didn't think good things like that happened for her....only for other people. I look back at all of those beautiful, kind, sweet words and moments and realize how far I have fallen in her eyes. It makes me sad.
Thanks you, Sandi and everyone for letting me vent. Any input is appreciated.
One more thing. She said while we were living together again that she felt that there is just a natural "flow" to relationships where things just work. There is no need to change or adapt because of this natural flow of how two people connect and relate. IF it's not there, and you are "working" on a relationship then you are forcing it. And if you are forcing it, then it does not need to be. When you have this "flow" there is no need to change...who and what you are is perfectly sufficient and you have no need to change.....your relationship just....."works". We did not have that "flow" in her eyes. I don't think ANYONE in a relationship that has stood the test of time does.
Thank you for the link, Bug....I think I might have snooped on there before.
GM....If I am being honest, it is a reflection of my own perceived inadequacies and insecurities fueled by her selection of OM....yes, even after D. In my head she has found someone that is the living embodiment of the OPPOSITE of all the things she hated about me and is in total splendor right now. He does everything I DIDN'T do and and DOESN'T do all of the things that I did...and I look even worse to her as a result....it's a confirmation for her that leaving was the right thing to do.
Before I get blasted, I KNOW that this ^^^^ is nonsensical and most likely not 100% accurate. And I don't sit around sulking about it....it just makes me feel "less than", and yes....it is probably just a scene from some elaborate play I have written in my head that include her skipping across stage in the throws of love. I get it. I'm just being open about what I am feeling.
One more thing. She said while we were living together again that she felt that there is just a natural "flow" to relationships where things just work. There is no need to change or adapt because of this natural flow of how two people connect and relate. IF it's not there, and you are "working" on a relationship then you are forcing it. And if you are forcing it, then it does not need to be. When you have this "flow" there is no need to change...who and what you are is perfectly sufficient and you have no need to change.....your relationship just....."works". We did not have that "flow" in her eyes. I don't think ANYONE in a relationship that has stood the test of time does.
Yeah, you already know this but... it's worth repeating. That is a completely unrealistic view of how most long-term relationships work. Maybe that's what life needs to teach her.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I think the ONLY way SHE can learn that the "Flow" of any long term r takes communications flowing...is by het being in a R with OM...
it's becoming clear to me that for her, this is the lesson life has to give for it to sink in. Hold onto your hat and go live your life.
And btw, you know, I dated OMs when h and I were sep. Met some very compatible men. The "jerks" were a real drag that made me wince for my h, but there were some GOOD men too.
And for the most part, the newness was not all great, (awkward and even scary at times) and even the winning men mostly made me miss my h more, b/c we were well suited for each other, and were so so close before. I missed the intimacies only a familiar couple shares...
Crimson, you need to look into that workshop I mentioned a gazillion times and or, something like it. A good long weekend workshop is probably what you need to shake you up enough to SNAP yourself out of this.
Allow me to virtually reach thru this computer to slap you upside the head a bit...
now, snap out of this funk... Leave it in HIS hands, please.
Oh, and stop taking it back the very next day, too...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
XW: Decree says 2 weeks non-consecutive boy to exceed 10 days...Am looking at July 4-July 13th for trip to Iowa
Me: Doesn't work. That's 13 nights away since you have him starting that Tuesday night the first
XW: I didn't say the entire time - I'm giving you a range. Also the issue of dividing 401k from (former employer) has not been addressed.
Me: We can handle. It's not a problem.
Me: Let me know what specific dates you are asking for. Also, your dates were to be selected by the 15th of April since it was your year to pick first and that didn't happen.
Me: You also claimed him on your taxes this year - which is illegal. When it says you can claim him in 2014 that meant tax year 2014. I caused my tax filing for both federal and state to be rejected and reduced my refund by $700.
Me: This is not a good time for me to discuss/debate - so please leave me alone. I will make arrangements for 401k.
She stopped responding. She is p*ssed and I am officially the a55hole. Maybe I should not have mentioned the taxes, but she clearly through out the 401k to jab at me. It's the first time I have really thrown specifics about the decree in her face with regard to what she wanted and I am shaking with anger, fear and a bunch of other emotions. I don't even know if I handled it right. I don't know what to do and feel like I am revving at 100 miles an hour. There is part of me that STILL doesn't want her angry...that doesn't want to be the a55hole because I think it will make things even worse than they are. But I am committed to no longer being a pushover and making her feel the impact of her decisions.
Please tell me that I did the right thing. I feel terrible and my heart is racing.
