I love doing the reading, it has been a lifesaver. I still am having a hard time detaching. My feelings really vary about the whole sitation. Online is the only safe place to talk about how I feel. Friends and family care for me, but do not understand. I cannot even explain why I am staying. I just feel like at this point it is the right thing to do. However, that being said, I have a hard time grounding myself. The detaching from the OW and EA and PA is so hard. It might be easier if we lived in seperate homes, but he won't leave. H also has some mental issues but quit IC. I have not mentioned MLC or mental issues bc I know that would not help. At least through this I have realized I am stronger than I thought. I also see him as sick, and how could I leave him? I just need to detach. UGH!!!
Scooby, You can't force detachment. It will come slowly but surely. You are wise not to mention MLC or mental issues. It's best to keep those thoughts to yourself or come here to post them. People in the real world don't understand MLC and until they have walked a mile in your shoes, they won't.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are so right. I questioned it was real in the beginning and then when I came to this sight I discovered a whole other world. Detachment is so much harder than GAL. So far I get monster with GAL - oh well.
Scooby, You are getting monster w/GAL, because he doesn't want anything to change and he doesn't want to see you happy. You have to remember that he' a miserable soul and he wants you to feel that way as well. Guilt eats at them, especially when they see us moving forward and are happy.
Try not to all his monster mood to deter you for having fun and doing the things you need to do to survive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
^^ Job has summarized nicely the MLCer mind in response to a spouse doing GAL stuff. I've done my share of snarls at Ms. Wonka when she did hers. Because I was so miserable and why did she get to be happy??! So yep, I pulled a face or stomped around the house to pull Ms. Wonka down to my level of misery. Crazy!
So today I am very angry. H continues to play H at OW house - did yardwork today there. Spent another $300. Still spending time with OW - now they go to the gym and workout together (apparently she is training him.) PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
H washed sheets on his bed and put different sheets on his bed and hid it. H has not touched laundry in 15 years. So now i think the PA is happening at my house when kids are at school and I am at work.
It is hard to detach from him in the same house. H is so into OW, that he does not notice what I am doing now. H really monsters when he is at work and calls and does not know where we are. It pisses me off! I don't know where he is while off work and don't call.
HELP!!!! The whole OW situation bothers me, the rest I could deal with. The harder I try the more I think about it. Not sure what to do....ugh!!!
What about our suggestions to get a boundary set up? I've referred you to Train's thread on how to set one up for yourself. It is wrong for H and OW to have sex in YOUR own house!
I told Ms. Wonka that she cannot have the OW come near or in our house. So Ms. Wonka had their rendezvouses elsewhere. I was quite angry when I told Ms. Wonka this and she knew that I meant business. That was almost 10 years ago.
Having sex in your marital home while the children are at school? If this is true, then, I think you know what you have to do. This cannot continue for your sake AND the kids.
You have sounded increasingly stressed this whole week. His insanity seems to be reaching a new level and you are now suffering the consequences.
Sounds like it's time to set some firm boundaries.
Detachment is very different from allowing disrespectful and harmful behavior to continue in your home.
I know it hurts, I know you are angry, I know it's insane...but, now things are getting downright Jerry Springer and that's not good for anyone.
What can you do to keep his crazeee on his side of the street?? Is it time to set some new ground rules for the house? Or, is it time to have him enjoy his MLC elsewhere??
Everyone is here for you. We've all been there. It stuns and amazes what they deem to be OK.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Why do you think that PA is happening in your house? Just because he washed his cheats? Whey would she come to your house when she had her own? Are you over thinking this too much?
One thing to make everyone believe that they are just friends. Another thing is to come to your house to have a PA. This is insane. She must be one miserable human being, if she can do that.
I agree with others. Even if he says that they are just friends, you can always tell him that she is not to enter your house.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I found out that EA had moved to PA before I knew better and was reading texts. OW does not have own home - she lives with her mommy, so it is possible things could be happening at my house. I am just assuming that they are while we are all gone in the mornings.. Why would he suddenly wash sheets since he has not done laundry in 15 years?
You are right things have been escalating the last week. I am doing more of GAL with kids, and am seeing more controlling behavior and monstering. I also have reached of stage of anger (this is new as I am not an angry person.)
I need to set boundaries. It is tough since there really is no consequence if he breaks them. I feel like I am circling and stressing. I also don't know what I should be doing when I interact with him. I am nice let him start conversation and agree with what he is saying. But I am wondering if I should go dark or dim. When this all started H has shoved me away - no affection, hugs, kisses after first month or two - "I am putting up my wall. I am done trying" From the outside we look like a happy family because we still do things together.
I am swimming this week. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions are thoughts would be great. I will go back and read train again. THANKS
I was quite angry when I told Ms. Wonka this and she knew that I meant business. That was almost 10 years ago.