2 Months In And Feeling So Broken

[claire7]

I know how you feel.
Hang in there.
Let yourself feel how you feel and don't beat yourself up. Have a good loud cry if you want to. Those feelings will pass-- you have felt strong recently, and even if you don't at this particular moment, you *will* again.

This is probably one of the hardest (and one of the most important?) things we have ever done.

If we do it right, we have the next half of our lives ahead of us to live happily, to break old patterns and resolve issues we have carried around with us for a long time, and to be strong positive role models for our daughters.

[JennD]

Thanks Claire. I know I will feel strong again. I just wonder if I will ever feel happy again - right now I just can't see it. Feeling very sorry for myself, I guess.

I thought I was past feeling so badly - feeling like I had made progress. Back as square one.

You are right - how I deal with this will determine so many things. I know I will pick myself back up.

[claire7]

(Did you see my recent post where I felt very similarly? Emotions are very cyclical for me...maybe you too?)

You *will* feel happy again! No doubt about it!

Be the spouse only a fool would walk away from. (And part of that means continuing to move forward without hating yourself even if you have a moment of weakness). It takes time.

[JennD]

I did Claire. It does seem to be my pattern too.

Yesterday was very hard. He's going to a wedding for friends this coming weekend - that we were both invited to - before BD - they are more his friends than mine, so he is still going. I'm not.

H had to go and a get a new suit for the wedding - so he went to buy a new one yesterday with out me. But told me all about how good it looks (picks it up Thursday).

I just find it still very hard that he is going on without me. Going to events, buying things, having a life - all without me. And it seems without any grief for the loss of "us".

I feel so stuck in my grief - for not having his company, his support and all the plans in the future that have died because of this. He seems (I know its projecting) fine and content to move forward without any hesitation or thoughts to how we have been a team for 15 years.

He's coming over tonight for his time with the kids. I;m going to yoga.

Just feeling very lonely and isolated without my best friend. Trying to move thru my feelings rather than ignore them but I'm just so tired of feeling like this.

[Upwards]

Sorry your struggling Jenn, your bound to be up & down it's very early in your situation & it's all very new - your doing so well considering how long you've had to adjust.

I know it seems like forever but if you do reconcile it's very likely to take a good while, it won't happen overnight & if it does it likely wouldn't last! You HAVE to use this time to work on truly letting go of your marriage and working on yourself so that you know you'll be happy in the future regardless of your H - that probably feels impossible now but it will happen sooner than you think if your ready to look deep within yourself and make lasting changes for YOU not for your H.

It sounds as though your H is there a lot to see the kids? That isn't easy when your trying to move forward & focus on yourself.

[JennD]

Thanks for the kind words, Upwards. It feels like forever! He is here more than he's away. I often read and predict what that means - which is pointless, I know.

I have struggled with that fact. It is good for the girls as they miss him alot (He was always a very involved and present father - a great father, really) but it is very hard to have him here - it feels like he keeps ripping the scab off just it might be healing a bit.

We have had a few arguements, where I;ve told him to go and not come back - that this may be our "house", but it is no longer his "home". The arguements always wind down to me telling him how much harder it is to have him here, but not here emotionally (it way I want it to be - there's my control issue again) and he is being kind and trying to respect my feelings (obviously not to the point I'd want ) and will stay away if I want him to.

But I;d rather have him here (for the girls) and because it allows me interact with him. Hopefully for the better.

Went to yoga and I feel better. Physically and mentally.

Its so nice to have the support when you feel at the lowest...I truly appreciate it!

[Upwards]

He is here more than he's away. I often read and predict what that means - which is pointless, I know.

It means he's cake eating, he's got the best of both worlds! He's got his freedom and can live the "single life" but has you there and "family life" when it suits him too.

I have struggled with that fact. It is good for the girls as they miss him alot (He was always a very involved and present father - a great father, really) but it is very hard to have him here - it feels like he keeps ripping the scab off just it might be healing a bit.

This situation is bound to have an impact on your girls, there is no way you can fully protect them from this which I know is completely heartbreaking however right now so much contact and time spent as a family then your H leaving again must be confusing for them? Also they need a healthy & happy Mummy and at the moment by allowing him so much time in the family home you are giving yourself no time to focus on yourself FULLY and no time to heal.

I KNOW right now it feels as though him being around may help things between you because I thought the same too, I did exactly the same as you, it's only now looking back that I can see that I just prolonged my own pain and suffering and it didn't help our situation at all!!

You need some boundaries!! He's chosen to walk away from you & family life and so he needs to feel the consequences of that, otherwise what desire will he have to change anything as he's got everything he wants already - does that make sense? Can he take your kids out or to his place instead of having them at yours?

Its so nice to have the support when you feel at the lowest...I truly appreciate it!

It really helps doesn't it, it's a shame we can't private message or share info for one to one support too isn't it!

[JennD]

I've often wondered if what he's doing is cake eating. When I have blown up (I think its been 2 or 3 times in total) I've said as much to him - that he's living the best of both worlds.

Week 1 - He's here Monday (after work), Wednesday (after work)and Friday(after work) to Sunday night.

Week 2 - He's here Monday (after work), Wednesday (after work)and Thursday(after work)

Our plan is to have him alternate between the 2 weeks.

The friend's house he is saying at is NOT suitable for kids. I wouldn;t even take my shoes off there (not sure how H is sleeping there). The friend is a lifelong batchelor, who smokes like a chimney and does not clean anything. For years, whenever H went by there, he's come home smelling like smoke and sweat.

He has no family here that he is close with - so no real options for other place to take the kids.

The times that H comes here, I usually try and go do something - usually yoga or running around (grocery shopping, pedicure, etc.)

He's trying to be fair - being here 1/2 the week so I have time to do what I need. And has offered that if I need other times (ie soemthing comes up) that he will be here.

He sleeps in the spare room (sadly, the kids are starting to call it "Daddy's room" not the spare room) and leaves most of his clothes there. He takes a small bag and shaving kit when he goes. So he's not really moved out.

How do I stop him from eating cake? Honestly, I'm afraid to upset the apple cart. God forbid I should be angry...;)

[Upwards]

The main thing is does it work for YOU? If your happy with it then don't change it, but if your not then do something about it. Don't worry about upsetting him, he wasn't worrying about you when he dropped this on you!

I just worry your so focused on saving your R and you can't see how it's impacting on your health & how you move forwards.

[JennD]

I don't know what works for me right now. I feel like someone has put my life into a blender and I'm left trying to figure what to do. I'm hoping that with time and focus, clairty and direction will again be mine. I'm just getting used to the new "normal".

Upwards, thanks for your attention. Especially, given your tough situation right now.

I find my brain will look at the situation with my H and it amazes me how many different perspectives it can create.

Some good, some bad, some hopeful, some not so much.

I'm also finding waves of acceptance and calm (almost calm) that come and go.

I've really spent the last day focusing on living in the moment with my girls and it is so awesome how receptive they are. So loving and caring.

I've been reading and listening to Paul McKenna - "I Can Make You Happy". I'm finding a big diference. Its gently changing my outlook and mood. I;m still upset and worried about my M, but I'm finding it helps.

Getting a doozy of cold. Off to bed early in hopes of shaking it!