I'm sorry to hear that you are having some low emotional/mental times. I do think that what has happened is that they have accumulated and are now just hitting you. You've been a busy woman with family, jobs, etc. and it's all caught up with you.
The thoughts of leaving are very normal for us, especially when we have had to carry the load of responsibility and accountability for a long period of time. Are you taking any AD's? If not, this might be something you may need to look into because some of what you are describing may be symptoms of depression.
I am glad to see that your S21 has a full time job and your D19 has gotten a job. This should take some of the worry off your shoulders.
I do hope that your counselor can help you find a way to work with you on helping you climb out of that dark hole.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Allow yourself time to grieve, schedule it if you need to - like 30 minutes after dinner, just go somewhere alone (even if it is just the bathtub) and cry, let it out. Journal - just writing it out helps to get some of it out of your system - if your pray - then pray and pray often for strength. I was praying probably 10 times a day or more in the beginning, and I was not someone who prayed until BD, I was agnostic and now i'm like one of those jail house converted - but it HELPS. Putting it in His hands takes some of the weight off your shoulders. Exercise as a release. Meditate, deep breathing exercises, yoga. You cannot ignore the grief and it will revisit you if you don't work through it. If you are going to counseling as a couple, see about going for yourself. Depression is a big part of grief (there's 5 stages in grief if you follow Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) and we go through all of them. There's Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Letting go, and Acceptance. Depression is a big part of stage 1 and stage 4. sorry I am rambling now, just gonna send a big hug your way. we're here for you!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Mizjjd, I hit low points frequently. Usually I read back through my journal to see my good days and remember "me" or take a walk. I don't know much yet but I'm learning and what I keep hearing is "the sun will come out tomorrow" in a cute little Shirley Temple voice. Yes corney but I always smile!
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
It was so nice to come here and see that someone has been looking for me - who doesn't need some sort of favour! I will open another thread, although there really isn't much to tell.
I am sorry for the down days. The down days for me at this point are actually a little harder sometimes than the down days I had closer to the beginning. I guess I can't help but think - aren't I OVER this already? For you, your H is always there, reminding you.
Of all of your reactions, running away is what I constantly feel like doing. But then, I lose the energy to actually do it. If you are able, maybe try to find a weekend to "run away" - stay in a local hotel, take a spa weekend or a mini-break of some sort.
I admire you Jaye. And I cannot wait to see the person you are meant to be - you went from shivering in your closet to holding down two jobs - one awesome one - and facing your decisions with a clear head.
Get the most that you can out of the counselling session. And then come here to laugh!!
Thank you all for your kind words. You reminded me that this forum can be an oasis
I'm a bit more even now. The sensation I wrote about before was a truly awful one. It gave me a glimpse into what S21 deals with regarding his anxiety/OCD.
Portia, please keep posting here on occasion! Although we are only virtual friends you and many others have become a tangible part of my life. And probably of lives of those who never post but only follow along. I remember in the early days, I'd read through somebody's thread and they'd just vanish... Without even an indication of what direction they were heading. You have an unique situation Portia and have handled yourself so well. Amazing strength, grace and class. I'd bet a dollar more than one person has followed your journey and found solace. And probably more will do so in future times.
H and I have had 3 sessions now. The first one p!ssed H off because it was all about infidelity. The second one seemed ok to H, it was all about the business we lost. The third one was mostly about H's parents/sisters; some about "Tell me H, what do you do to make Jaye feel special?"
After the third session H said to me, "When do we start to talk about ME?"
Lol, I explained to H that this is "marital" counseling, therefor, by design, NOT ALL ABOUT H.
The sessions we've had so far have been free. H's insurance allows for 5 free sessions. I told H if he wants to continue therapy HE'S going to have to phone for authorization. It will be interesting to see how that plays out.
Lunch is ending, I don't have time to explain more. Hopefully will have a minute this weekend.
Thanks again to those who stopped by.
Take care,
~ Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
just wanted to say hello and hang on man. it's awful i know- and some days i want to run away too. well, alot of days i want to run away frommy life and just begin over.
i have to remind myself that lonely somewhere new with no one - no how - probably wouldn't be so nice either. it's normal i think- how could we not want a new, sh iney, better, fun life again????? we're just humans - ri te.??
i hope you can shake yourself out of it okay- i find if i can just shake myself out of the house and walk - even if i'm storming around town top speed - i have to force myself- and i sometimes count and do stomach crunches to keep my mind from reeling around and thinking and thinking while i walk- it does help. even a sh ort walk- out of house- out out out- NOT THINKING. just a coping technique i use that works alot- it's just all about riding it stinking out isn't it?
it's awful- you've been doing this awhile tho, and you're entiteld to be f'ing tired and ground down into a stinking nub- BUT 0- ta da, you're still here, hyou're hanging on- you're doing good.
you can do this i think, we all can, think how highly we will regard ourselves after surviving thru these awful awful times, awful years, stinking unjust sitch...
ta da- we're gonna be like kissing our own reflection in the mirror - such will be our awe over our successes in just keeping alive and prevailing-
i know, i sound a bit nutty- but ho nestly- look what we've survived, accomplished, have come thru- and continue to plug away at- didja ever think you'd have the guts and gumption???? not me
