too little, too late

[lost18]

I have been really struggling the past couple of weeks. Can't seem to detach at all. Obviously doing a tons better than I was 2 months ago. I think a big part of it is I just feel like he doesn't care about me at all, and I don't get it. I know I need to stop focusing on that and focus on me. Yup, broken record.

I feel I do better during the week when the kids are at school. Maybe because I'm a little more structured, not that I'm a structured person at all. Or maybe because I don't have to worrying about hiding my sadness when I'm alone. Probably a little of both. I think summer will be tough, especially when we go on vacay.

I have started working out a little more. Still need to be more consistent. Went out with a friend for drinks which was nice. Need to get out with friends more but everybody's schedules are so crazy. Maybe once school is out we will be able to connect more.


Trying to find some things to do to GAL. So far most things I WANT to do I don't want to do alone. Kayaking, golfing, indoor rock climbing, gun range. Even thought about getting scuba certified.

[lost18]

I think the time has come that we need to tell the kids. UGH! I am dreading it. D12 overheard a conversation I was having with D15, and although it had absolutely nothing to do with the situation she got some thoughts in her head and started asking questions. She then must have heard me on the phone with a friend as well. She was very upset and crying, as I knew she would be. I did the best I could trying to answer her questions without lying. It wasn't easy. I told her we weren't getting along right now and sometimes people fight. She just kept crying and saying that she didn't want us to be separated. It was very tough.

Luckily I had an appt with my IC the next morning. She thought I handled it well. To tell the kids or not has been a tough decision. At the beginning of this all I sent an email to my H saying we needed to tell them. He did not want to, said he wanted to wait until they are out of school. After thinking it through, talking to the counselor etc I decided we could wait. I also think that this is something that we need to do together. One of the reasons my IC said she didn't think I should tell them is because "it's not etched in stone." Why put them through all of the emotions if it doesn't come to fruition. It makes sense, however, I know in H's mind right now it's over. Although he doesn't want to tell the kids, talk about it or move forward in anyway.

Now, the past 2 days she has asked if I talked to daddy today. So, not sure not telling them is going to be an option much longer. I know that I have to do the right thing for my kids, but this is BS. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. Tell them and take all of their emotions and blame myself, or wait and have them be mad at me for lying to them.

And yes, there is a selfish part of me saying that H needs to see the raw emotion from his daughters when they find out. He's the one who wants this. But in the end I will do what is best for my kids...no matter how much it hurts me.

Any advice in this situation would be appreciated.

[lost18]

So I texted H asking him to plz call D12 tonight as she has been upset and asking questions for a few days. He asked what kind of questions and what I've told her. I told him she's been asking why we haven't talked and such and that I told her as little as possible without lying. He said he would call her asked if I got her a new phone yet. (I have not)

He then proceeded to ask "how have you been doing?" Lots of responses went thru my head but I said "ok, keeping busy with kids, working, working out and stuff" He asked where I've been working and we talked briefly about that.

He then asked "are you planning on going to (vacation place)?" I responded that "we'd like to...and the girls are really looking forward to it" He asked if I was going to drive and if we were taking the dog. To which I responded that I was thinking about driving and not sure about the dog.

So not sure how I did with this. The work thing was good, and that I've been busy. I didn't ask any questions about him at all. Did not pursue him or try to hold him in the convo.

Not so sure about the trip. I wanted to drive last summer and take the dog and he was completely against it. But, by the time we buy plane tix, rent a car for 3ish weeks, kennel the dog it gets expensive. Maybe I should have said it's the only way I can afford to go...not sure.

Some things that I felt like saying but didn't: How can I explain to D12 why we're not talking when I don't understand it?

If you cared how I was doing you would call or text once and awhile.

Yes I'm driving and taking the dog because I'm a grown woman and can do what I want!

Of course I wish he would have said that he didn't want me to drive or take the dog but that would show that he cares what I do.

There is so much that I want to say to him! sigh

[Bunches]

Lost, just my opinion, but if you want to tell your kids than do it. I think if you feel it would be better for them to have him there and that would make things easier on your kids than it could make sense. But from your post about him seeing their "raw emotions" it sounds like you have expectations on his reaction and are trying to control how this affects him. I only have 1 small child so I can't say I've had to experience this one or know what is best but are you sure you aren't trying to use this against him to feel regret / remorse? I'm still not an expert but I think you should just be focusing on you and your kids.

[lost18]

I don't think I'm trying to use it against him but yes I think he should have to deal (for lack of better term) with it first hand. I think he needs to face some reality and see how this is affecting people...he dropped the bomb and took off and didn't have to deal with any aftermath. Very cowardly and selfish. I don't think I've really thought of what I expect his reaction to be and know I have no control over it.

My problem with telling the kids is I'm not sure what to do. I've went back and forth many times. Bottom line, right now if they don't need to know than I would like us to do it together, face to face because I think that is the best way to do it for them. To know that no matter what we will both be there for them.

[lost18]

I've been giving some thought to why I'm having such a hard time detaching. I've come to the realization that part of the reason is I feel like detaching and giving up are the same thing. I need to reconcile that in my mind because that is not the truth.

I know for my sanity I need to detach but am having a hard time as I am not ready to give up on my M. I am also extremely frustrated with myself because I've always thought I was so much stronger than I feel I am. Never thought that an affair wouldn't be deal-breaker for me.

I feel like maybe I was the WAW who wasn't ready to walk-away and now am throwing a fit because he walked-away first. There have been many times over the past years I've said to myself that I want more out of my M, felt like we existed more than lived much of the time. Of course never did much to change it. Even told myself a few times that I wouldn't leave but would be "OK" if he did. Now, here I am wanting more than anything to save my M and he has given up and moved on. I am holding on to the little goodness we had in our M and hoping he will see it again some day.

One of the other resources I've been using says that your marriage is only over when you decide you don't want it anymore or you simply give up. Not even close to there yet....

[melissag]

Hi lost, glad to hear you are doing better lately. Go out there and GAL even if you don't have anyone to do it with - sometimes it can be nice to do things alone! And maybe you will meet other people in the process.

About the vacation - I know things are different for everyone, but for me, even just a few months in, vacation with my kids was a godsend. I was of course crushed that H didn't want to go, and I was soooo nervous about going. I thought about canceling but decided I needed to just keep moving forward, so I went anyway. It was FANTASTIC. It was so nice to just have time to focus on my kiddos and relax without the annoyances of everyday life (laundry, dishes, homework). And I didn't really talk to H the whole time . . . it was terrific. Also, it made me realize I can do lots of things without my H - I really don't need him there, and in fact, in many ways, it was better without him there. OK, so your H doesn't care what you do - GREAT! Now you can take the dog and drive or whatever you want to do, without someone ragging on you about it! You have got to look at the positives here!

You can detach without giving up, lost. You need to get to a place where you can live without him and you know you will be OK, but that doesn't mean you don't leave the door ajar in case he wants to join you. You just need to live for you and drop all the expectations of any kind of life with H. I know that is easier said than done - I am still working on it myself - but you will get there if you just keep moving forward and focusing on you and the kids.

As far as your H having to deal with the backlash from the kids - someone told me this and it's true - it's not your job to teach your H a lesson. Trust me, even if you have to tell the kids on your own, and you place no blame on anyone in the conversation, they are not stupid, and he will feel the consequences. Of course it is easy for him right now, he's not there so he can deny that anyone is suffering because of his actions. But eventually he will see.

You are stronger than you think - quit being so hard on yourself. If your best friend was telling your story, would you be disappointed and think she wasn't strong enough? I doubt it. Stop judging yourself and where you are in the process - it only holds you back.

WRT telling the kids - I agree that having both of you there is the best way, but how much longer is that going to be? I don't think you can insist on waiting until he gets back if it is starting to be bad for the kids. If you do tell them, please talk to an expert in this field, or read a book, or do something so that you know what is appropriate to say. Your kids are at an age where they will probably be asking a lot of questions . . . but how you answer could make things worse for them if you say the wrong thing.

You ARE strong, and you ARE getting better, and you will be OK. Hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remember what you are grateful for each and every day. ((hugs))

[Underdog]

Hi Lost,

I've not posted to you before, so hello. You're getting some good advice here, and hope you are able to put some of these to work for you.

I recognize some of the issues you have had since you started posting. Can I ask if you're working on them? The big one is that your H sees you as negative. You mentioned a situation that your C said was realistic. But I'm going to ask you to dig a little deeper. Personally, I don't see it as "negative" but if you put on his glasses for a minute, I can see why he'd say that.

So... while he thinks you're negative and you think you're cautious and frugal, how about we meet somewhere in the middle? Would it be safe to say that you're cautious when the idea isn't yours or that you haven't had time to buy in 100%? Could it be possible that you feel him wanting to spend money on things that are important to him as not your priority?

If you can answer yes or even maybe to those questions, I invite you to step back and maybe connect dots to other circumstances and issues that have arisen before. Could it be possible you value your list (whatever is on that list doesn't matter) as more important or valuable than what's on his list?

What could you do to make him more of an equal in your R? It doesn't matter if you're separated, Lost. Because he'll always be a co-parent to your kids. If you want to be able to do that effectively, you're going to have to be creative in making him feel as though his opinion matters.

I'm jumping back a few weeks to the incident of a sprained ankle. Would you have let him know if he were still living with you? Well, then, I would encourage you to tell him things that matter to him as a parent.

I understand you're hurt. I get that. And I'm not trying to tell you to ignore that. But you're going to have to set that emotion aside when it comes to ALL matters that affect the kids. He's their dad too. And what Melissa said to you is dead on right: it's not your job to bring on the consequences. Those are natural fallout from issues that arise from him not being present in your home.

And I also saw that you posed a question in your first thread that you never answered. It piqued my interest because my sister asked me the very same question when my now XH moved out: "are you pissed because he pulled the trigger first?"

I'll share with you that I was a pretty heavy victim most of my marriage. I loved to make people feel I was the long suffering spouse - I was unhappy and he didn't do the things I required of him to make me happy. I'm serious. Dead serious. And I cringe as I re-read that. I got my ass into therapy, and it took a couple years for me to realize that was MY job and completely unfair of me to expect HIM to make me happy when I clearly abandoned that job all along. But for me, he moved out while I was about 4 months into my IC.

I'm not letting my XH off the hook here - he did things that hurt our marriage. But 50% of it was my fault. And I held it against him that he was miserable enough to do something for himself that I was unwilling to do.

It's not easy to get through. But I can promise you if you work on those issues that are preventing YOU from being happy, you'll get there. You don't need to be married to be happy. It's an inside job, and you've made progress there by exercising and thinking outside the box.

But you might want to go over to Melissa's thread to see her list of things she's doing to create a better life for herself going forward. Start small and cheap. Take up embroidery. Knit. Take a spinning class at the Y. Walk with your daughters. Just do *something* every day that gives you tangible proof that you're working on yourself. You're worth it. You just have to believe it.

Hang in there. It does get better. I promise.

Betsey

[Underdog]

p.s. Here's something my DB coach (Laurie) suggested I do way back when:

If you knew that your H was coming home to the wife he always wanted and that you both would be happy as a result of the changes that you make FOR YOURSELF, what would you do?

[lost18]

Thanks Melissa, always appreciate your words of advice.

The thing with the vacation is difficult. I do plan on going on vacation, my problem is my finances are limited and once again I have to rely on H for $$. I have started subbing but that does not pay much. I do plan on getting a full time job after summer break. Most of my family is there and I always have a good time and relax. Just trying to manage the financial part of it. And yes, it will be hard emotionally because this is where H and I seemed to connect the most.

I know detaching and giving up are two separate things, I'm just struggling with the detachment. If I dig deep I know I WILL be ok regardless of what happens with my M I just of course don't want to end up there! Guess none of us do, that's why we are here.

There is no easy solution with the kids. The best I can do for them is make sure they know I love them no matter what. Although I'm questioning what he's doing with regard to his lack of communication with them, I know he is a good dad and loves them. But yes, eventually he will have to answer to them as well and it is not my job to teach him "a lesson." That I know is me stooping to a level I don't want to stoop to and wanting him to hurt.

You are stronger than you think - quit being so hard on yourself. If your best friend was telling your story, would you be disappointed and think she wasn't strong enough? I doubt it. Stop judging yourself and where you are in the process - it only holds you back.

Once again, great words. As a matter of fact, I went to dinner a few weeks ago with a friend, her H and our D12s. He told me he was amazed how well I'm doing! So I do know I'm strong, even when I don't always feel like it.

Need to come up with a motto.