rutroe - MLC is not fun post #3

[tadpole1025]

Hi Scooby. My XW said the main reason that she was divorcing me was because I wouldn't take her to the "correct" grocery store when we went shopping.

Another day, minutes after telling me that there was nothing I could do or say that would make her stay, I lit a cigarette. (She doesn't smoke and hated the fact that I did even though she was a smoker when we met.) She looked at me and says: "Smoking? Yeah that'll make me change my mind and stay."

So yes.....THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ****ING CRAZY!!!

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.

Keep your head up.

Oh yeah, if you want to read crazy, check out my thread. I've been here over three years and my MLCer was textbook.

Tad

[scooby]

Tad- Thanks for the response

I can't believe the things that MLCers say and do. Mine was very conservative - so swearing was a lot. Now h is drinking, EA and PA, tattooed (and getting another), watching porn, and about 15 other new things. He is completely opposite. For awhile I though he was changing to be like OW - but now see it is MLC.

I cannot believe what your XW was saying. Has she realized yet what she did?

[scooby]

Yeah! The lies continue - why lie about things that he does not need to lie about? Is it that big of an addiction? So far he has not mentioned OW family member coming to see my kids again. Maybe my first boundary worked.

I am an a unique position. H might lose his job due to EA and PA. I am thinking of hiring a PI for evidence of PA. Because if he loses job I can sue H and OW for emotional distress and loss of money. I don't know what the limitations are on this. I really don't want to sue, but if he is going to leave me penniless and goes with OW, I feel like she needs to be attacked. Furthermore if H loses job, it will hit the media and why. UGH! My mind is still spinning. Opinions?

So as you can tell I can detach from all the MLC nonsense - except the EA and PA. I don't know how to detach from it. Suggestions?

[Wonka]

Scooby,

I am thinking of hiring a PI for evidence of PA. Because if he loses job I can sue H and OW for emotional distress and loss of money.

Why spend the money just to "find" evidence of PA?! I don't think it is good use of your time and resources. Instead, work with the assumption that it is indeed a PA and I am pretty darn sure from what you post here on H's behavior.

Suing them will not HELP your sitch at all. It'll just make you look like a vindictive b!tch. Do you want them to see you in that light? In fact, it will move you further from your goal: reconciliation. Take the high road, Scooby.

I feel like she needs to be attacked

Just so you can come out as a "victor" in this "war"? For what??!!! This ins't Hunger Games, sweetie. She's not worth this kind of energy at all. Look past the OW and don't acknowledge her at all.

Furthermore if H loses job, it will hit the media and why.

If this does happen, then let the media do your job like with John Edwards and his ex-mistress. Sit back and watch this movie unfold.

So as you can tell I can detach from all the MLC nonsense - except the EA and PA. I don't know how to detach from it. Suggestions?

You are not detached at all. Far, far from it. Trust me, you are not in a "unique position" nor the first. We've all been where you are now. The only way to detach from all of this is to let it all wash over you. The OW is nothing to be scared of at all. Nothing! She's a small Z-level actress in your own movie.

[job]

Scooby,
You are so very much still attached to the drama of what your h and the ow are doing. Let him go and do what he needs to do and if it's w/that ow, so be it. We all have been right where you are right now and it's frustrating to know that there's nothing you can do to make him see the light. The only control you have is over you and your children.

As for a PI, the retainer generally is around $1500 to start out. Do you really have that kind of money to be spending on a PI right now? Your gut tells you that there is an EA and a PA may be in the works. You are talking about suing, you need to check out your state to see if you can really sue for alienation of affection. If you can't, then let it go.

If he and the ow are put in the position of losing their jobs, allow the normal chain of command do the dirty work and allow the media to have a field day w/it. You want your hands clean if this should happen. Why? Because you'll come off looking like a shrew who wants to stick it to them. You don't want your children to read and/or hear about this stuff if you were involved at a later time in their lives.

How to detach? Find things to do. Keep your mind busy. You can always rearrange your furniture in your place. Take walks, meet up w/friends or make new friends, plan activities w/your children. One thing that I've always suggested to posters and it really works is get a rubber band, place it on your wrist and when you start thinking about them or what they are doing, snap that rubber band and believe me, the sting will have you thinking of something else very quickly. Detaching takes time, but you are the only one that can determine the pace.

Again, put those revenge thoughts in a box and store them away. Rise above them and do not lower yourself to their level.

[tadpole1025]

I cannot believe what your XW was saying. Has she realized yet what she did?

Not sure scooby. If she does, I'll probably never know because she would probably never admit it.

Tad

[LoisB]

Scooby,

I know how hard it is to face those feelings of powerlessness. Watching a train headed at 100 miles an hour for your family and you are powerless to stop it.

The wreck itself, however, is the thing you are powerless over. Your H is driving the train right now. Leave him to it.

You can, though, shield your kids and your heart as much as possible from the debris and the impact when it hits the fan. That's where your power comes into play. Build a fort around your heart right now, be gentle with yourself, don't trust him a bit and, please, please, please, create a nice soft spot for your kids to land. They will need you more than you ever thought possible.

Focusing on his poor train driving skills aren't helping them right now at all. It's only robbing them of BOTH parents.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Scooby ~

I was thinking about you today.

At one point on time, I thought about hiring a PI as well. (Remember that, Job?) Job is right, be ready to shell out some big bucks. I wanted to do it to prove to my H what I already knew was true - that he was having an affair with my friend.

I didn't end up doing it, and I am very glad. I remember thinking - wow, that is a lot of money! My H had already spent so much of our money, I didn't want to waste any more on their affair. I thought the money would be better spent on our children.

The other thing to think about, and this is a big one...
Specifically what do you plan to do with the info once you get it?
If your h is truly in MLC, any proof isn't likely to bring him around. Instead, he will use it against you, use it to vilify you - "you spied in me!"
See what I mean?

You have asked a few times- if both you and your h are detached, how does that work?

I like visuals, they help me. Early on, someone gave me this visual...
Imagine that during your H's MLC, you and he are on two parallel journeys.
You many cross paths one day, you may not. Hopefully, you will. But it will take a long time to get to that point.

GAL is the key to detaching. Something else that really helped me was to remember that the person doing all these hurtful and selfish things was not my h, not the man I married. If you can remember this, it does help.

Detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It just means you don't let what he says and does dictate what you say and do.

Follow your own path

[scooby]

Everyone-

Thanks for bringing me back to reality. I had thought that I had detached from all except OW, but from what you have said that is not true. There is some question if EA has moved to PA - yep it has, and I have confirmation of it (although H thinks I don't.) This is when I stopped being physical with him (which is a whole other crazy story.)

Fortunately I am someone who thinks about something forever. For example, if I decided to hire a PI - I would get around to it like a year from now - I work that slow. What would I do with it? Give it to his work, as they think they are just friends. I have decided to back down again from the PI.

I have thought bad of OW and recently found out that she is worse than I thought. If she continues, she will take H down and he won't know what hit him. The stupid things people do when they are infatuated.

I have been doing great at GAL - and see mr. control freak monster. What am I supposed to do? He put me in this situation. I cannot sit at home and hope that he will wake up. This is probably hard for him, bc I am a home body by trait.

H still wants to do lots of family things - I am the one that plans the activities and invite him. H always waits until last minute to say he is going. The big GAL is while he is at work, and he HATES it. ha ha! His relationship with the kids is slipping but he does not see it that way. I don't think he will be one that leaves his kids - he will fight for them if we get divorced. He has said he is gathering evidence on me - ha ha! I am boring - nothing to get. This is why 99% of my GAL is with kids, he does not need ammo. H is paranoid right now, espicially when I take kids out. It is looking like H is bipolar, but stopped IC before it could be determined.

Any comments, suggestions are welcome. As you can see I still am a mess and all over the place. Thanks for being my sounding board. I value you every post I get and suggestion. Have a great week everyone! Prayers for all of you!

[LoisB]

Slow down and breathe. Sounds like you've tapped into some of the anger. Use to pull yourself back together.

Listen to TakeVows, DETACH. It isn't personal, it's his hurt.

Read the archives and recommended reading list. It really helps. You're not alone.