Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[MrBond]

"My life has always been self centered and the new feelings are so emotionally strong its difficult to detach. "

So what was the main thing that you think "snapped" you out of it.

[whytry]

MrB, I was looking at myself for a while questioning why I was doing things that I knew in my heart were wrong. Not sure who asked me before and it may have been more than one. The one I know for sure is when my W filed our taxes and put entire refund in her account so I couldn't touch it. This was huge to me! I saw that my W truly feared I would waste this money to the detriment of our family. We severely needed for bills and my heart broke knowing how low I had fallen. I knew my wife had told me in January she saw the changes and was proud of me but this was a whole other level of her distrust that proved how rock bottom I had gone. So now I knew my life was at stake. W, kids, family, and my future of any/all

[PatientMan]

Thank you pm, and I know you're right. My life has always been self centered and the new feelings are so emotionally strong its difficult to detach. My kids are so loving and affectionate it's horrible to have the memories of how I treated them always swirling in my head.

That can be a good thing early on in your process of change as a piercing reminder of how you need to conduct yourself as a father and as you develop new habits. In time, with work, the intensity of that will fade.

The impulse to make up for being such a monster of a H is my greatest hurdle. W has no reason to try and I know that. Destroying such a beautiful and amazing woman kills me inside.

You can't give her what she refuses to receive. The best two ways you can make it up to her right now are to:

1) Respect her wishes for time and space. Respect is important - it shows you are listening and you care about what SHE wants.
2) Work on yourself and making these changes permanent. Focusing on yourself helps you deal with the pain and with becoming the best version of yourself possible. Take an honest inventory of yourself. Learn the things you like about yourself and be sure to keep them. Learn the things you DON'T like about yourself and put in the work to remedy them. Figure who YOU want to be, and diligently work to become that person. And don't let anyone or anything get in your way.

Please clarify if you've finished the DR book.

Thanks,

-PM

[whytry]

#2 is what I'm working on with my Counselor/pastor.

I'm at the triggering events in DR and looking at it hard cuz i lost a job, mlc, financial problems, etc.

Have had to keep going back to chpt 6 for last resort technique so I keep remembering cuz W matches first three bullet points.

[whytry]

The books are helping learn more about me. Yes I bought them to save my marriage and that's my goal but I think I need to understand and fix me so that one day my wife can be proud to be married to me and we can be truly happy.

[MrCAS]

IMO, you have an issue with telling the truth. You make excuses. You found time to read a book your pastor gave you and sing its praises but couldn't find the time to read the book this website is based on until just recently? Then when you did, you keep using the last resort stuff? Really, dude? WTH?

You admit that you came here looking to snoop around and beat your W with what you learned? Why would she have any other thoughts as to your sincerity? That, my friend, was a low life POS thing to do. It shows a complete lack of maturity. IMO, it shows just how abusive and manipulative you can be. Why do I get the feeling that there is a whole lot more to your story that you are not telling us?

From what I read that you write, I would not be surprised to hear that your words and actions are nothing more than a dog and pony show. You want the world to see your "new" outside appearance but inside you are still the same. You strike me and a verbally and emotionally abusive person.

I would not be surprised to learn that the relationship crossed into physical abuse, as well. I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that you are trying to turn friends and family against her by showing and telling everyone what a great job you are doing. That is going to blow up in your face eventually.

You can keep playing the victim role as long as you want. You got yourself where you are and you, and only you, can get yourself back. Why should your W give you another chance? It sounds like she tried to make it work and you did nothing on your end. Now you are crying the "boo hoo my life is over" song. Seriously, what have you done that warrants her rewarding you anything let alone another chance? All the sweet praise you heap is not going to unring that bell.

She got tired of doing all the work. She got tired of carrying the load of the marriage. She got tired of you. Three or four months is not going to anywhere make up for the years of crap you dumped on her. Especially when the work isn't genuine.

I don't think you had or are in an MLC. Your pattern of behaviors are too long and extensive. I think it is just another excuse to try and justify your past. I look to see that you have a 15 yo child and, by your own admission, you behaved poorly from the beginning of the marriage.

Is it too late to change yourself? Nope. It is never too late to change. Those changes have to made to save YOU... not your marriage.

MWD says that we need to make ourselves a spouse that only a fool would want to leave. That means changing what is inside your head and your heart. Not acts of kindness and being responsible but genuine changes.

[whytry]

MrCAS, I have no disagreement with what you said or how Im perceived. I knew very well friends of my W and people that have been through this will not trust me. It doesn't change the fact I want to change myself for the better and save my marriage.

[MrCAS]

So what are you doing other than giving superficial acts of service and talking the talk?

Why do you think she should give you another shot after treating her so shabbily for 15 years?

What changed inside you?

[Ambivalent]

I'm with Mr.CAS.

I don't believe a word of what you profess. Especially how wonderful you are with the chores, and children. Something smells off.

[Whiterose]

you make these changes for yourself whytry so be better for you and your kids.....you, my friend, have some work to do.

you're also going to have to figure out that she's done with trying and after 15 years I'd say that it's on you to do the right thing and PROVE (through time and patience) that you're making positive changes (not to get her back but to BE a better man/father).......start with the truth about who you are.