He was the adult. You were the child. None of that is your fault."
That's a fact, not an opinion. Don't chastise yourself.
About your daughter, your'e right, most things can be good in moderation. With perfectionism, a little goes a long way because we will never achieve it, so we're constantly judging ourselves as not good enough.
When you feel yourself reverting to those characteristics, can you ask yourself "Would I want my daughter to feel this way?"
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Awesome day today! My sister and I took our girls to feed the ducks. There were lots of baby ducks, so the kids were really excited. Then, we took them to the library. When D7 and I got home, she wanted to play outside with the other kids, so we did. She played for hours and I chatted with a couple of the other moms in our neighborhood while we watched them. My niece came to the house for a sleepover and she and D7 had a lot of fun. Now I'm going to curl up and read one of the books I checked out from the library.
Oh, H called this morning just to chat. Then, came by in the afternoon to see D7 for a minute. He was going camping tonight with some friends. He seemed less distant. It is probably all in my perception. I was in a great mood, so I wasn't hung up on his every cue.
He seemed less distant. It is probably all in my perception.
As is everything-that's why your mind is such a powerful tool. A person can say the same thing to us on 2 different occasions and how we interpret it is based on our perception.
We can choose.
Anytime.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Another good day. D7 and I went to church this morning. My sister and I went shopping this afternoon.
D7 was complaining about a sore throat this evening and wanted chicken noodle soup. I didn't have any in the pantry and she didn't want to go anywhere. I texted H and asked if he would mind picking some up for her. He said he'd be right over. While he was here, I asked him to check the washing machine because it has been malfunctioning today. He couldn't fix it and the clothes in it were wet. I made a joke about him taking them with him, washing them, and bringing them back tomorrow. He said he would H never did laundry, so I'm actually pretty amused by that.
While he was looking at the washer, he said, "We can't afford to buy a new one right now." Funny that he said "we" given that our finances are completely separate.
Don't read too much in to the "we", although I also get a chuckle when my H does it. He was so deliberate for the past year to label everything as "mine" or "his". Maybe (hopefully), it means they are processing things, maybe it's just a slip. It is amusing, though!
Keep up the good work! I like these positive posts!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Don't read too much in to the "we", although I also get a chuckle when my H does it. He was so deliberate for the past year to label everything as "mine" or "his". Maybe (hopefully), it means they are processing things, maybe it's just a slip. It is amusing, though!
Keep up the good work! I like these positive posts!!!
Not reading into it. Just amused, mostly
I had to pick D7 up early today because she isn't feeling well and was running a fever, so I'll be staying home with her tomorrow and taking her to the pediatrician. H came by tonight to see her. When he was leaving, he gave me a hug. Then, he stopped and looked back and said, "You look good." I was dressed in yoga pants and a t-shirt, with my hair in a ponytail. LOL. Maybe my PMA was just showing through.
I felt my desire to control creeping in again tonight. H was texting about studying for his finals and asked me for help with an assignment. I read the assignment, but it wasn't something I remembered anything about, especially since it wasn't my favorite class when I took it years ago. I told him that I didn't really remember the specifics of the concepts anymore, so I didn't know how much help I would be. He just said, "Okay." I know you can't tell tone from text, so I know that it was my mind, and not his response, that made me read that as him being mad. So, I sent another message that said, "I feel like you are mad at me now." He said that he wasn't and was just stressed about how much he had to do. I also told him that I felt guilty for not just saying yes. He replied that it really wasn't my responsibility. That's absolutely true. Then, he asked if I could keep D7 on Saturday night (it's his weekend). I immediately thought, I don't want to keep her so that you can go hang out with your friends. I was ok with keeping her if it was because he had to work or study. I almost immediately realized that this was me trying to control. Because of that and because I want as much time with D7 as possible, I just responded and told him that I would keep her without attaching any conditions to it. I did ask him if had to take a test this weekend and he responded that he did, but I asked that question after agreeing to keep D7. Still, I think it would have been better for me not to ask at all.
So, I think it is progress that I recognized that I was trying to control what he was doing and a small victory that I didn't act on that impulse. It would have been better if I hadn't asked him for additional information afterwards. I guess I was trying to allay my fears. Feels like a baby step for me, though.
It just occurred to me today that H never shared anything about his IC appointment that was over a week ago. Normally, he calls me after and tells me generally how it went. I don't ask for the information and he doesn't usually offer specifics of what was discussed. I know that he had the appointment because he told me the day before. I'm really surprised that I didn't notice that he didn't call me or mention anything. I'm even more shocked that I don't really feel bothered now that the thought has occurred to me. Maybe, just maybe, that makes I'm getting closer to being detached.
You did really well recognising that you were beginning to try to control him!! Have you read codependent no more by melodie beattie?
I think detachment takes practise, it did for me anyway and I still struggle sometimes when I'm feeling down, main thing is being aware of how his actions and words affect you so you can work on detaching from that and not letting it impact on you - I've also found it helpful to work out WHY certain things upset me more than others, usually because of my own insecurities and fears.
Your doing great, keep on moving yourself forwards
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
