New here and very Confused

[Georgiabelle]

2B Happy,

Suggestion- no need to announce anything. Actions speak louder than words. Just live your life and enjoy each day. This is for you. Maybe your h notices and maybe he doesn't. You will be happy and focusing on your own well being regardless of him.

[stresse]

I use a db coach about once every two weeks, more in the beginning, and she told me not to tell them anything about how hurt you are, that they just might feel you deserve it.

Dont tell him anything, just show actions.
Dont be sitting home when he walks in the door
End negative conversation by saying "I can see why you feel that way". Or " I don't blame you for feeling that way?"
But also if they are being insulting or verbally abusive you can tell them they cant talk to you that way. And step away.

[2BHappy]

H does not insult me or yells, screams, none of that. He is very nice as long as we are not talking about M or R. Can have a short conversation as long as I dont mention how Im feeling about M or R.

His comment today about I have to have all or nothing is still confusing...like you dont want to be M, but we could be in a R?

He has taken no steps to get a divorce, actually H has never mention D I have brought that up whenever it has come up.

H is still responsible around the house, washing clothes, keeping up the yard, helping with our son. Paying bills.

He will tell me I look nice. Just no R or M talk and no sex, unless I practically beg for it.

DANG Im mad I blew it, one week and I lose it and start asking questions, begging. At least 2day I did not cry (in front of H)

I also did not feel as bad for as long I did in the past after talking to H about M.

So even though I "messed" up today, I can tell Im getting better with everything, I know I feel alot better about myself in general, I actually love loving myslef more.

DB coach I cannot budget for that right now. I need to be very careful how I spend my money.

Hard not to be home when H gets home due to our different shifts, I would have to be out late at night, not an option during a work week, and not even weekend Son is 13 but not to be left home late at night alone.

Sat & Sun mornings I tried last couple of weekends to get up and leave house until H goes to work, but this bothers our son, he is like MOM where are you going, he is used to be being home most weekends. Then I lie about where Im going,,cause sometimes its just to drive around or window shop.

BUT I will keep DB'ing until H relaizes he wants M.

[2BHappy]

Sat plans= Work out, stay busy cleaning house, get hair done, window shop until H leaves for work.

Sunday plans= Go to Church at 2nd service, I will be able to avoid H once I get up get dressed he will be up about the time I leave the house son and I. If I go to 1st service he is sleep when we leave and getting dressed for work when we return.

[woundedfool]

H does not insult me or yells, screams, none of that. He is very nice as long as we are not talking about M or R. Can have a short conversation as long as I dont mention how Im feeling about M or R.

So don't mention M or R.... For the foreseeable future. Let him bring it up. If he ever does, don't defend or justify, only listen and validate.

His comment today about I have to have all or nothing is still confusing...like you dont want to be M, but we could be in a R?

Don't try to make sense of it, simply listen and validate.

He has taken no steps to get a divorce, actually H has never mention D I have brought that up whenever it has come up.

Good, so why bang a stick against a hornets nest?

H is still responsible around the house, washing clothes, keeping up the yard, helping with our son. Paying bills.

Good

He will tell me I look nice. Just no R or M talk and no sex, unless I practically beg for it.

If begging is your current path... then this is a cheese-less tunnel, set a goal...experiment... monitor and review. (I trust you have read Part 2, step 4 & 5)?

DB coach I cannot budget for that right now. I need to be very careful how I spend my money.

A D will cost anywhere between $2500-25,000... do you have the money for that?

I said it before, that is my one regret in this process, I didn't at least try one coaching session (remember, we are all amateurs sharing our experience/brainstorming, the coaches are the professionals)

Hard not to be home when H gets home due to our different shifts, I would have to be out late at night, not an option during a work week, and not even weekend Son is 13 but not to be left home late at night alone.

Sat & Sun mornings I tried last couple of weekends to get up and leave house until H goes to work, but this bothers our son, he is like MOM where are you going, he is used to be being home most weekends.

Nothing wrong with being around the house, but if your bent on spending less time there, keep window shopping. Or better yet, find an activity that you can include the 13 year old. Tell me some GAL's for you, and include some GAL's that include your child.

Then I lie about where Im going,,cause sometimes its just to drive around or window shop.

Do NOT LIE!!! If you are asked where you are going, or where you have been. Tell him (you do not need to elaborate and give all the details), but be honest.

BUT I will keep DB'ing until H relaizes he wants M.

Don't think in terms of DB'ing will make him do (or realize) anything. This is about YOU!

[2BHappy]

Thanks for feedback.
GAL for me= window shopping' working out, spending time with friends, walking outdoors, bowling, joining a bookclub, looking for place to volunteer.
GAL to include son= swimming at YMCA, going to amusement parks and local fairs, movies, I've ask son to help me work on arms weightlifting. Church we r going t officially join a church we have been visting for a while
I love boxing so I might purchase fight and son and I will invite friends over to watch.

Nope don't want to spend money on D.

I have decided to spend some money on a new summer wardrobe for myself, this is something I need to do for me.

Right now its best for me t be out of the house when H is home especially if I'm feeling like I will bring up M. So I will to find new interesting things to do.

Working on me loving myself.

[woundedfool]

Nope don't want to spend money on D.

My point was, in hindsight, I wished I had spent a little money on a coach, rather then a ton of money on an attorney.

[2BHappy]

H is home day off work. I went to get pedi done after work, delaying getting home. I get home H and son not home anyway...

H had son call me to ask me to pick up something for H to cook for dinner. H one day off work is almost like normal. H cooks, and usually has a family movie night planned. 2night H and son will watch bball game.

I'm smiling, smile in my voice, I made sure to put on something comfortable but cute to lounge in.

2night will be hard, I will want some adult affection, BUT I will not ask or even initate, I will drink a glass of wine after dinner and hope I can go straight to sleep.

Stepson was here and I had a great convo with him, mention plans for jazz festival with my friend, step son and his GF want to come with us. I told step son in front of H that H was not interested in going,,,step son still said he and his GF would love to go with me and my friend.

GAL-I have plans to go to a happy hour after work with my co-workers tomorrow.

GAL- Breast Cancer walk coming up

GAL- Mother's day plans with my mom and son, not even going to expect H to do anything for me or expect a gift.

GAL- Mom's bday weekend coming up next month, planning things for entire weekend with mom and some to include son.

Invited step sons to Mom's bday get together did not plan to even ask H since its a night he works.

GAL= most weekends in May got plans:)

woundedfool- I understood what you meant:)

[woundedfool]

I'm smiling, smile in my voice, I made sure to put on something comfortable but cute to lounge in.

2night will be hard, I will want some adult affection, BUT I will not ask or even initate, I will drink a glass of wine after dinner and hope I can go straight to sleep.

I am trying to tread lightly here (as this is a private /delicate subject), so I am hoping for some input from others. But the above quoted area really seems to be a place where you should treat as a cheese-less tunnel. So: experiment and monitor (and even set it as a goal... you want him to initiate some "adult time").

You mention not initiating or asking (good, sounds like a 180), but I think it is good experiment with the visual cues: ie: "cute lounging outfit", small "glass of wine", etc.

If no success this time, be careful how much you emotionally vest in him responding right away, as the "experiment" may fail this time. But keep experimenting.

Stepson was here and I had a great convo with him, mention plans for jazz festival with my friend, step son and his GF want to come with us. I told step son in front of H that H was not interested in going,,,step son still said he and his GF would love to go with me and my friend.

GAL-I have plans to go to a happy hour after work with my co-workers tomorrow.

GAL- Breast Cancer walk coming up

GAL- Mother's day plans with my mom and son, not even going to expect H to do anything for me or expect a gift.

GAL- Mom's bday weekend coming up next month, planning things for entire weekend with mom and some to include son.

Invited step sons to Mom's bday get together did not plan to even ask H since its a night he works.

GAL= most weekends in May got plans:)

All excellent GAL's, but may I be so bold to suggest something a little more regimented/regular?

[2BHappy]

Regular GAL= working out at YMCA, monthly night out with girlfriend's, rejoining book club, church on Sundays, 2x month hair apt, monthly pedicures. Most of these GAL I was already starting when H told me last July he was not sure about R.
Other GAL will have to come up as they happen.
My one week breakdown is 2 days away I will NOT break this week, no begging crying no M or R talk.

Im thinking about getting the may weather fight and invitig some friends over.

H normally calls me once a day before he goes to work always about son, house or family or bills. Yesterday and today he also called on his break, same topics but I was surprised about the second call.

A goal I have is for H to come back to sleep in our bed.

I do feel like I'm really starting to feel that even though I want H and M...I will be OK without if it comes to that... but also feel positive that soon things will start to get better with R.
Loving working on myself.