Thanks so much. I just don't get how he can be so nice to everyone but me. He says he does not hate me. He loves me but not in love, and he will never feel that again. That I am nice and great mom- makes this difficult. That he had tried for a decade and he is done trying. He us putting up his wall. He says he is done and wants a divorce. He us waiting til his situation is resolved and then he will divorce me. I think he will too. I think this will be my biggest challenge of my life...ugh
You will reach a point where the feelings calm down a bit and you will see his problems more clearly. The hurt gets in the way of us seeing them as they truly are right now. Your friends and family probably see it better than you do right now. The shellshock sorta keeps us in a bit of a fog too.
At some point, you will have a moment where you go, "WTF??? What in the HE!! is wrong with this guy!!"
You may already have some moments of clarity like that. When you love someone and have so much invested in a future with them, it's really hard to see the insanity for what it is. If you were standing on the outside, imagine what you would say to a girlfriend.
It helped me, in the beginning, to stick to the facts. Write the facts down if you need to.
1. He is having an affair. 2. He having numerous, venomous meltdowns. 3. He is lying, alot. 4. He is not taking responsibility for his problems and the part he played in the marital problems.
These alone, say this man is not wrapped too tight right now. Healthy, sane, clear-thinking people do not act this way.
Write down the crazy things he does. The crazier, the better...it may help to see in writing how off he really is and validate that YOU are not the crazy one here.
Protect your heart right now. You can't trust him to protect it. Imagine yourself with a big ol' bullseye on your back. That's how he sees you.
Much love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I was a world champion edge-of-the-bed hogger! Held on to my mobile real tight afraid that the Swamp Thing will come and grab it. We want you guys to get the f*ck out of our faces. That is the MLC loony bin for you!
Try not to take this personally...I know, I know...easier said than done.
What "situation" are you talking about in regard to H?
He definately is doing the crazy things. But he is so nice to everyone but me. People only see that he has changed a bunch. Here is the list and remember he was conservative to begin with - swearing would have been a huge no no prior to this.
1. swearing 2. drinking 3. EA and PA (does not admit it) 4. tattoos 5. Lying 90% of time and believes his lies 6. Blaming me for everything 7. wants a divorce 8. Going out most nights until wee hours 9. Does not want intimacy from me or even hugs or kisses 10. ILYBINILWY 11. Brand new clothes - even underwear 12. different hair style 13. working out 14. Only mean to me 15. Playing the victim - even with work 16. never leaving cell phone alone 17. His idea to be in seperate bedroom 18. can go nice to mean on me in second (some professionals think he is bipolar - but H quit IC) 19. spending lots money 20. Never wrong - even at work 21. porn 22. removed wedding ring right away
There is probably more. I guess when you are conservative to begin with - you get a longer list. I am not sure what is left for him to do. He is very far into OW. The month that she was gone, he started coming back to me (not a MLC behavior.)
I do have some good moments, but this is the hardest thing I have been thru. People that have been through it are the only ones that understand why I am standing.
The situation is that there is something going on at work and he may be fired. I don't know the details, as he is keeping them from me. He says when it is over I won't be mad at him but will be mad at others. He has gotten some big guns to save his job. The OW works with him and it is a total violation of policy for him to be with her - that explains they are just BFFs (whatever.) Does he honestly think that he is going to divorce me after this and shack up with her and no one will be suspicious? DUMB A!!!! He drives me crazy.
And I forgot one
21. Bought a new cell phone - put lock on it - never leaves his side - texts went from 50 a month to 1000s
So I am confused. If I don't press relationship or start nagging I don't see monster. H will make some off handed rude comments, but that would be the norm. Is it common for them to make small talk and be nice, but do the actions of a MLCer. I can almost keep him from getting monster if I watch what I say. So confused. Advice? Insight? I am still panicked it is not MLC - he just does not want me...ugh!
Scooby, I created a thread many years ago on the books that I read while I was on the crazy train. That listing has a small section on MLC. You may find a book in there to help you better understand it. However, there are many postings from others that have some wonderful books as well. Here's the link:
I want to emphasize that nothing you said or did would have stopped his crisis. This crisis was bound to happen whether he was with you, another woman, single or whatever...it was going to happen. YOU did not cause this mess...he did and if you drink the Kool-Aid he offers up, sure you'll think you did it...I kid you not...it's not your fault he's acting out.
Get off the crazy train and take a seat on the curb. We are popping up a batch of popcorn so that we can be ready for the parade of crazy making MLCers to come down the street.
Yes, MLCers can make small talk, be as nice as can be and the minute you say or do something that makes them think you are either getting in their business, questioning them about what they've spent or where they've been or want to talk the relationship talk, begging, pleading, etc., they will turn on a dime and give you change. As long as they topics are general and it's something they want to talk about, they are fine...but the minute you rock that boat, look out. I use to do an experiment w/my xh. He would be chatting very nicely and if I mentioned something about the relationship, he would change to the monster mode w/a snap of the finger. So, what did I do? I change the subject to the weather or something very general and he would go right back into the nice mode.
If you don't want to hear the monster's words, then don't touch on subjects that you know will bring him out. There are going to be times when you do have to talk to him and endure the monster, but you can advise him that you will not be treated that way and walk away or change the subject. You do have more control than you think.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
