It sounds like this weekend was fantastic. Don't worry about the initial conversation with W. It didn't cause permanent damage. You recognized the behavior and changed it on the fly. This is as important as totally eliminating the behavior.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Thank you for the link Nettles. I will check it out right after I post this post.
Well today is the day for me and my wife to have a lunch together. She invited me and I accepted. This will be the first time we have seen each other in almost a month. I have a nice haircut and good cologne on and I have a new outfit that fits me nicely (having now lost over 30 lbs.) I have no expectations at all and I am just going to concentrate on having a nice lunch and focusing on her instead of me. I will listen intently and always look her in the eyes with kindness as opposed to a weird and awkward stare. I will not bring up anything to do with R, my changes, or us in general for that matter. I will stay calm and collected and confident. I will remain positive and happy. If asked questions I will keep my responses polite but also short and mysterious. When the lunch is over I try to end it first and will thank her for the visit and wish her well for the rest of her day. I will get in my truck and then as soon as I am out of her sight completely break down into a ball of putty (j/k). I think I am ready and hope I don’t make a mistake. I have worked really hard this week to emotionally detach and it seems to be working well.
On a side note, my W and I work in the same profession. I have been doing it a bit longer and have a bit more experience and contacts within my professional network. Often I get contacted by recruiters wanting to throw job offers at me and my W is currently actively looking for a better paying job. A few days back I was contacted by one such recruiter and I was not interested in the job but thought of my wife and introduced this recruiter to her. They started working together and my wife had a potential phone interview today. She was nervous as we work in IT and this was a tech screening so I offered to do prep with her last night. She called me and we walked through tech screening questions for over an hour.
My thought was I might be doing too much for her by wanting to help her out professionally. I am open to any guidance someone might be able to give me on weather my behavior is appropriate or not. I am not buying gifts or doing work around her current house for her. This was strictly professional but I still want to make sure.
I will post later tonight on how it went and how good, or bad, I did.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Sending good vibes your way for the lunch soldier. Based on what you wrote, you are in a great mental state for it.
Others will probably think differently, but I see no issue with helping someone professionally like that. It doesn't look like pursuing. I am curious if you think W was surprised that you gave the recruiter W name. Would W think you (the old you) were too bitter/hurt/whatever to do something like that? And if she saw all of this as pursuing and felt pressured by it, she would not have called you for help.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Hey Nettles, to answer your question helping my wife with her professional career I have done for many years so this behavior is one of the good “old me” things that I have brought into me new me attitude. I do agree that if she thought this was pressure of any kind she would not have hesitated to say no to my help so in the end I feel good about my decision.
So lunch I think went really well. She still had some cold comments to through my way every so often but I never broke my cool once and simply validated her feelings and moved right on into the conversation. I asked questions to her about what she had been doing recently to keep the conversation going and I looked her right in the eyes the whole time. She did not look into mine much but when she did I could tell she was not use to such undivided attention. I listened intently to every single word she said and it was actually quite a great experience. I hadn’t realized how much I had failed to do that in years past.
She asked me about if I had seen anyone as far as therapy and I told her I had seen one therapist but didn't think she was a good fit for me and I was in the process of looking for a new one. I asked her if she had seen anyone and she said no. Only because we had been on the subject I made a small mistake and I asked about marriage consoling and her interest in it and she said she wanted that for years but I always said no and so now she wasn't interested. I immediately let it go and stopped pushing.
She asked why I had taken a few days off of work recently (D5 had told my W this info) and I just told her I had some stuff to take care of and left it there. She said she hoped everything was alright and I told her that I was just fine. I could tell that she had noticed my weight loss and she even told me that I looked nice which was the first compliment I had received from her in probably over a month.
We caught up and laughed a good bit and it was a very nice visit. As it approached time to end the lunch I exited first and we went to our vehicles which were parked next to each other’s and she started yet another conversation. After she finished with her little bonus round I told her that this was nice and I really enjoyed seeing her again. I asked her if she would mind if I gave her a hug and she said she actually had wanted that very much. We had a good hug which felt better than anything I have every felt in my entire life. We released and she started to talk again but I dismissed myself saying unfortunately I had to get back to work. I said good bye and hoped in my truck.
All and all I am feeling really good right now and it was enough to recharge my batteries for the fight ahead. I am setting no expectations at all but trying to enjoy the many small victories that were within this simple lunch.
An interesting side note is that with the distance from her mothers house to where she currently works she already faces a commute that is over and hour and some change long and it is wearing on her from what I can tell. From our home to her current job is more like 10 minutes if that. The job that she is applying for would be an additional 26 miles further which would be close to 1 hour and 35 minutes from her mothers and about 25 minutes from our home. When it came up in conversation she said she was excited about this job but didn't like the idea of commuting from our home to the jobs location. This is interesting because she didn't say her mothers house but instead specifically said from our home to this new job. Again no expectations but the idea did make me happy.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
You rocked it! Get your log out and write down all the small victories. You need to find an IC. It is important to her, and, most importantly, it'll help you. Just talking with someone about what you are going through and what improvements you are making helps a lot.
Now keep doing what you are doing and observe how she responds to this.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Thank you Nettles for all the encouragement. I am feeling better than I have in a month of Sundays and my working out is getting easier and easier and I am actually starting to look forward to each new day as opposed to in the past where I always seemed to dread them.
I have one very positive addition to the already awesome lunch that me and W had. Later that day I picked my D5 up for a birthday party that my niece was having. That night my wife called to get some more professional help and I stayed very calm and completely removed any expectation from the earlier lunch from the equation. I helped her with everything she needed and then gave some admin notes about D5 about our next kid swap. I knew she had another big interview coming up for her pending new job that I have been helping her with and so I ended the conversation with some strong encouragement that was 100 percent focused on her and had nothing to do about me or R at all. I kept this short but powerful and then wished her a good night and right before she hung up the phone she said “I love you baby” to me and I actually paused for a second as it had been so long since my W had said those words to me. I recovered quick so as not to make it weird and said I love you too and good night and then I hung up the phone.
I know this could have been just a slip up but that is still ok as my time in the military taught me that slip ups only happen when defenses are becoming loosened and people are getting lax. People only get lax when they feel safe and secure about the area that they are at. As always I am going to keep this internally for me as motivation and flush all expectations from my system. It still feels like the lines of communication are starting to open up between us which is making very happy.
I did see an IC for two sessions but I was unable to connect with that particular therapist. I am going to try to find one that specializes in the particular personality disorder that I seem to exhibit several signs of as I feel pretty strongly that I may have this disorder. It is borderline personality disorder and it is a very common disorder among emotionally abusive people. The last book I read “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” talked about it in-depth and I learned quite a bit about it. Suffice it to say I meet almost all of the criteria of this disorder and I think this is part of what I need to take care of if I ever want to have a new relationship with my spouse.
I have moved on to another one of my books and this one is called “The 5 Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships” and as always after I actually get some ways into it I will give a book review but it is written in part by the same author of “The 5 Love Language Men’s Edition” that I have on deck. I have heard good things about this book and it is all about being able to give true applies that will actually reach people on a subconscious level in order to allow for real reconciliation. This may be a bit early for me in my current situation but I still think it is important information.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Sounds like you have really picked up the philosophy of DB’ing – quicker than a lot of folks, especially me. Also appreciate the book references......
Seems like there may be some small, positive signs in your recent interactions with W which I am sure is very exciting you. Glad to hear those updates……
I know that you know that this is a long process and that you have identified and are working on things to improve yourself which will be good regardless of where things end up with W.
Remember the analogy of feeding a squirrel……
Glad to hear you continue to make progress on opportunities that you have identified for yourself. Wising you the best.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Thank you SemperFi00 for the kind words. Last Thursday was nice but I kept my expectations as low as possible and am glad I did because I did not hear from my wife all weekend at all save for me having to call her to explain that my breaks where shot on my truck and they wanted to install a new cylinder kit to the tune of 1000 dollars’ worth of work. This was a bummer for sure but we had the money in the bank. I just wanted to tell her about it as it was a large amount. She then got mad at me as if I did this on purpose to spit her. She still has all sorts of hatred towards me and I shouldn't have said anything at all but I told her “I just can’t win can I” and then promptly excused myself from the phone conversation.
I will keep fighting the good fight for as long as I can take it and I have a good bit further to go for my own personal change as the above comment proved but she just gets so mean at me. It is funny but her constant coldness and anger is actually what is making it easy to emotionally detach as I find myself wanting to talk to her less and less. Every time I start to feel good about myself and the changes I am making, I am forced to speak with her for business or our D5 and she makes me feel horrible. I guess she feels justified because of what I did in the past but I was brought up that two wrongs do not make a right.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
It had been a little while since I posted last and thought I would write some of this out as this is really my journal of sorts. I finished the book “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” and found it very helpful. I may have stated this already but the book talks about a specific disorder that I seem to meet much of the criteria for known as borderline personality disorder (BPD). I have started IC back up and have my next session this Friday. I plan on digging into this BPD and seeing if I truly have this or not. I am somewhat excited about maybe figuring out some of why I behave the way I do and hope that it helps me fix some of the core issues of why I do poorly in relationships in general.
So as I explained in a previous post, I recently incurred a 1000 dollar repair bill on my truck for which I had to call my wife to discuss finances prior to undergoing the repair. My wife got very mad at me and spit quite a bit of venom at me over the whole situation. I decided that I was not giving her enough space and I was tired of her always hurting me while I am trying to be as pleasant as possible. One minute I am helping her get a better paying job and the next I am treated like a child and spat on.
She sent me an email Monday apologizing for her anger and wanting to know if the truck got fixed. She also asked if I wanted her to come over one night this week to go over bills and what not and then ended her message by telling me they had put her in for a large raise in pay at her work. I did not reply as it felt like another way for her to get me back on the hook so as to be hurtful to me again. She sent another email yesterday with some admin stuff and again asking if I wanted her to come over to the house either last night or tonight to go over some additional bill related stuff (all none pressing matters). I replied that “I would rather not have you over tonight or tomorrow” and that “Maybe we can attempt it sometime next month when I have D5 so that it will be more easy”. I added a few small sentences about “the truck was fixed” and when I was picking D5 up next and just to keep it polite I told her I was “happy to hear about her potential raise in pay”
I am kind of shooting from the hip as I feel I am in the LRT but am not sure if I am doing properly or not. I don’t have many senior DB’ers on my thread so I guess I will just have to keep doing my best and taking care of myself.
I also finished a book called “The 5 Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships” which is authored in part by the same guy who does the 5 love languages series. This book was not as solid as I had hoped. I found about 6 chapters very useful and the rest I could take it or leave it. I still found good information within the book mind you but overall it was a bit more lack luster than I had expected. I enjoyed each of the 5 chapters dedicated towards the 5 languages of apology and there where one or two others about how to tie it together that where nice as well. This book is definitely a “library read and take a few notes” type of book and I would give it 2.5 / 5 personally.
I am now reading the book “The 5 Love Language Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love that Lasts” for which I have much higher hopes for and will post a review after I get a bit farther through it. I am two chapters in and already find it a much more valuable read then the previous book.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Hang in there soldier. It is great that you are going to an IC. BPD or not, it sounds like it would help to talk to someone about relationships.
I'm sorry W is being hurtful. That really [censored]. Try to remember that you can't control W but you can control your response to her. Don't let it stop you from being the best soldier you can be.
It has been a while since we added a positive to our list. Can you come up with a #6?
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
