You are right about the mental prep. In fact, you remind me that I need to keep a journal today of the items I need to work on in interacting with W and make notes on how I'm doing. I have to practice observing and reflecting on these things now and making improvements.
Another note that I'm putting on the positive ledger, W started 2 Scrabble games on FB with me. We used to have 2 games going all the time. This stopped when we had problems. I accused her of being addicted to it and wasting a lot of time. I now know it is something that makes her happy. And it makes me happy that'd she'd be willing to play me again.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Nettles, I was thinking about your most current revelations and as I started thinking about it deeply I had the thought that might be hard to swallow but my thought is that a two week vacation with your W is much more intense than a few lunches and what not. My thought is this, are you sure that even if she is OK with you going on the trip that it is the wisest move in the long run. You are both moving slowly into something that would seem to be positive and a long period of exposure could accidentally cause a relapse. I know you obviously would want to go for more reasons than just your wife as your children are also involved but on the other hand sometimes you have to loss the battle to win the war.
So you are knee deep into your travel of the three C’s of change which “good husband great marriage” labels as consciousness, conduct and character. First you realize the behavior you want to adopt then you start to catch yourself as you get use to this behavioral change and lastly you make it a permanently new behavior where you no longer need to catch yourself due to it being a part of you. From your posts I get the impression that you are somewhere within that second C and thus you still have some small relapses as you work to making your changes a way of life. One of these relapses, even small as it might be, could do major damage to the foundation you have worked so hard to rebuild.
In the end the choice is yours assuming she does say you could come along but I just wanted to offer some additional food for thought as I started to ponder your potential situation. I thought about me and if my wife called and said she would like to come back home. I want this more than anything in the world right now but I know I am still catching my self-drifting in and out of my changes and I would hate for her to see a small relapse from me that reminded her of what she despised about me and then leave again after a few short weeks or months. Two weeks is a lot of exposure for your wife to see something such as what I described and it could be a set up for failure as we use to say in the military.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
I think you raise some great points. The discussion actually helped in that it removed any anxiety about the 'elephant of the future' for us. It is still an option, no more and no less. And we agreed that we will see where we are and make sure it is the right decision. It is still 9 weeks away. To some degree that sounds like a long way off and in other ways it sounds very close. So knowing we can wait and see where we are reduces the pressure for both of us.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
This was a very good weekend. Although it wasn't "my" weekend, W invited me to go to see 'Muppets Most Wanted'. This was the first activity we have done all together since BD. We all had a great time. (As an aside, there was a guy sitting behind us, no kids, laughing very loudly many times during the movie. Old N would have been very annoyed by him. New N liked the joy the movie was bringing to this guy.)
When we got back to the house, W invited me to have a pizza dinner with the family and ILs, and to just hang out at the house until dinner time. It was a pleasant dinner with no awkwardness.
Before I left, W asked if I'd like to take S12 and S9 to their sport Saturday morning. When I picked them up, D8 wanted to go as we 'urban explore' during this time. It was awesome. I had lunch with the crew when we got back and hung out for a few hours.
Easter morning, I set up the egg hunt and then we went to the park. I was invited to have lunch and stayed for a few hours. W and I had a conversation after lunch about R. It was a great conversation. I told her about some things I'm starting to understand (my feelings about me and owning my own happiness) and she said it helped a lot to hear that for her understanding of what happened. She said she wasn't sure how I felt about her and how she felt unloved for a long time. I told her I understood why she would feel that way, that I did love her and understood that she needed to see it through actions.
We talked about a lot, hugged several times and ended it with both of us feeling really good about the future. One clear takeaway was that she wants the new R to work and I do too.
It's hard to believe 5 weeks ago today I spent my first night in my apartment thinking the M had no chance.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Nettles, I read your post and almost got misty eyed. I am so happy for the success you had over this past weekend. You just keep doing the right things for you and it sounds that your W is really enjoying the changes that she is seeing. I hope that I also will have such good fortune in my situation. Stay strong and allow the movement to happen at her pace. That sounded like a great weekend and it really encourages me to keep up the fight. My weekend had some ups and downs but I will post about it on my thread soon. Awesome job controlling yourself. I know it isn't always easy but you are really getting it to be a way of life.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Thanks soldier. You are right, this needs to move at her pace.
An interesting thing that came out during our discussion was the D. She felt she had to do it, but she wasn't "done". I see that a lot in other threads about one S being "done". W wasn't, but needed changes to M. W saw filing D as the last chance to get these changes.
I told her I admired her strength in doing it. W said it wasn't easy to plan and execute filing for D. She felt like she was going to have a heart attack daily because she didn't know how I'd react. She might actually end the M with this action. I could have been "done" in response.
I feel extremely fortunate that she wasn't "done". She easily could have been. She was looking for signs of change and responded quickly to them. It is going to take time, but it is nice to have the same objectives. I read other threads and feel for the suffering of others who have Ss that don't have the same objectives yet.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Today, S9 becomes S10. W invited me over early this morning to watch S10 open presents. We usually put the presents at the table and open during breakfast. I then got to take everyone to school. Really awesome.
After dropping them off, I went and got signed up for a violence intervention program. This is typically court ordered, but I'm signing up as a "volunteer" as they called me.
At first I wanted to leave when I saw some of the other participants. But I decided that from the discussions with W that this is something I needed to do for me. It will provide more tools in the toolbelt.
It should be an interesting experience. 24 weeks with 1 2-hour class.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Hey Nettles, this last post is another really positive post and I am glad that you decided to stick out the violence intervention program. I don’t know what will be talked about in there but it certainly can’t hurt and with the overall goal of having your family back well I would probably walk through fire for that. Today is my big lunch with the wife and I will post tonight on my thread as to how it went. You have really come along way for only two months. Great job man.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
I am just checking in and I hope your silence as of recent means that things are going better than ever for you. I wanted to share that I thought of you the other day because in my self evaluation that I might have borderline personality disorder I started looking up treatments and the main one is something called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). The reason this made me think of you is that this type of therapy has its roots in the thoughts and principals of Buddhism which I found very interesting. It would seem that you where really on the right path with those way of living ideas. Again I hope all is well my friend.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Thanks for checking in. Yes, things are going very well. I realized today that I have seen W and kids every day for last 21 days. I feel very fortunate when I reaad others' sitches on the forum. But even with how well things are going, W and I did have an uncomfortable conversation on Sunday. The good news was that we were able to work through it and used it at MC as a learning opp.
W and I are going to go on an extended weekend getaway at the end of the month that should be a lot of fun. W wants to 'reconnect' and it is a good practice run for vacation in June. It should be a lot of fun.
The funny thing is that my birthday will occur on this getaway. It would have bothered me previously that W hasn't realized it yet. Now I know it is just the way W is wired. Before BD, W had to trick me into telling her our wedding date so she could tell her lawyer. W just isn't the stereotypical W!
The DBT sounds interesting. I'm reading another book by the Dalai Lama. It is all so simple but so powerful, to me at least.
Hang in there soldier and update your sitch. I'm pulling for you.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
