New here and very Confused

[2BHappy]

Yes, I understand why my BFF said what she thought. And I know now to not discuss my M with BFF, other friends or family.
I do have conversations with my SIL, H sister's we are very close, but I also monitor what I tell her.

H plan to take a trip yesterday, he did not. Once home H asked me to watch movie with him and our son, not unusally so I did not read anything into it.

MY blow up was just last Thursday, so I know it is way too soon for any changes in the way H feels. But I will continue to Pray, read DR, come here for support all while GAL.

I told a lil white lie yesterday, since H was home and I was feeling like a OR talk, I went to store to return some items, but told H I was going to park to read a book, but H and our son was like "to the park to read a book" H asked more questions,,which I answer short and left.

On sunday on way to church, H did not go he had to work. H told me I looked nice , and thanked me for making his fav homemade dressing. I don't know if I should read anything into that.

I mean just cause he said I look nice and thanks does not mean, I love you and I want to work on our M.

H is planning a day trip today (again), and I prayed that he goes and enjoys himself and returns home more at peace. I told him to have a nice time and asked if he needed me to take care of anything at home. Inside I started to think was he going to spend time with OW, but I switched my thougts quickly to something else.

I'm also working on loving myself more, being better to myself.

SO that when H decides to stay in OR and work on it, that I will be a better person and ready to work OR with him. I dont want the same M we had I want a better M.

But the sleepless nights are still there, and I'm very axious when H is home, cause I dont want to bring up M or OR . Trying my very best to have a smile on my face and in my heart in front of H and my son, and our family and friends. This is very hard at times, I know with practice it will get easier.

Thought about taking off my ring, but that would be out of spite and in attempt to get H to notice. I decided as long as we are M I will wear my ring.


It hard when one of H complaints is that I was not affectionit enough, but when I try sometimes he pulls back.

H said he is not sure we should be initmate cause it will make it harder on me. But I want to be, and I think not is allowing him to pull away more.

I want to kiss H bye in the mornings, or when H leaves for work on weekends, but I don't, I guess a 180 means I should not?


When I want to be intimate should I try to initiate as long as I don't talk about OR, or M and or have any expectations that it means we are working on M?

[zew]

I mean just cause he said I look nice and thanks does not mean, I love you and I want to work on our M.

That's right. Don't read a lot into what he is saying right now. Pay more attention to what he is doing.

I'm also working on loving myself more, being better to myself.

Best thing you can do right now.

Thought about taking off my ring, but that would be out of spite and in attempt to get H to notice. I decided as long as we are M I will wear my ring.

Precisely. Don't do anything petty. You're the grown up right now.

I want to kiss H bye in the mornings, or when H leaves for work on weekends, but I don't, I guess a 180 means I should not?

180 doesn't really apply here. You just don't want to be pursuing or appear to be needy. You can't really address the "not affectionate enough" aspect right now.

[2BHappy]

I sooooooo want to be all touchy feely.

Pay more attention to what he is doing? So what would I look for?

[2BHappy]

I also know that I'm scared about this whole situation.

Hard to stay positive.

AND I need to take this "gift of time" and make sure that I want this M, well this H. I mean I know neither one of us need the old M, but do I take this time to ask myself if I want this man this H?

[2BHappy]

I want a better H, the same H but better changed.

[2BHappy]

I found this on the Prayer Circle forum and it captures my thoughts and prayers, so I have copied it and placed it in my bible and my wallet to pull out and use daily. I will copy it here so that is may help someone else.

Heavenly Father I praise and worship you this day - thank you for all the gifts and blessings you have bestowed upon me Lord. Father God you know that my spouse is going through a mid life crisis of some sort. I want to save my marriage and work through this but it is so difficult.

I ask that you help me to focus on myself Lord, I ask that you help me to be the best person I can be. I ask you to help me let go of my spouse and trust that you will take care of them.

I pray for the faith and strength to keep trying no matter how bad things appear. I pray that you will help me keep my eyes focused on you that I look neither to the right or to the left but on you Lord.

I pray that I will remain loving, kind, faithful, responsible and dependable. I pray for full release of any need to dominate or control my spouse in anyway.

I pray for the ability to focus on my work, my children, my health and my relationship with You. I pray you will keep my marriage safe from anything that would destroy it. I pray that you sever all unholy bonds and relationships in either of our lives. I pray that my spouse struggles through this you will give them the grace and presence of mind to remain faithful, remove all temptation and opportunities for anything inappropriate or that crosses the line of decency. Take away all lust and attraction from our spouses heart and replace it with Your love. Help him/her to flee all adulterous thoughts and be able to glorify you in his/her body soul and spirit. Restore love, desire and attraction for me in their heart.

I pray you all anger, hatred, discontent, unhappiness, depression and confusion would be evaporated by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I pray that most of all you would help me to not hesitate to hope out of fear that I will be disappointed, Lord I commit to trusting you at all times. I praise You, I bless You, I worship You and I glorify You forever & ever.

Your Son said all we ask in Your sons name you will grant us – so in Jesus’s name I pray and I believe. Amen.

[2BHappy]

M H went out of town yesterday, said he just wanted to drive. I belive he went to his home town. Last I spoke to him was around 11am yesterday. I prayed for his happiness and safety, and his safe return home more peaceful and rested.

The urge at times to call him was there, but not as strong as I expected.

It hurt some that he did not call back to say he arrive or check on our son who was not feeling well. But I understand his mind is not at peace and that he is "dealing" with his own thougths and feelings. I just prayed he enjoyed his trip and found some peace. When I told my son that his dad would not be home, he asked me where will he sleep, I told him at his friends home in his hometown.

I pray our son does not become worried.

Let Go and Let God

[2BHappy]

H called he is home and sounded very tired, said he did not mean to stay overnight. I asked him if he had a good time, H said it was relaxing to not be at home.

Trying not to read anything into that statement, I mean I know he is stressed at home right now and I know my last blow up was last Thursday, so he is still tense at home. Praying once he relaizes I will not be bringing up OR or M or crying or begging, he will feel more relaxed at home.

[2BHappy]

I have a personal goal to not mention OR or M until H brings it up and even then to NOT beg or cry. No idea how long this will be, but H will have to bring it up not me.

[2BHappy]

I'm reading DR. Rereading chapter 5.
I will finish book this week but I know I will need to reread it.
Some things goals are not ready to be put into action.
Im being patient and working on GAL