It is. Far, far better. And because it DOESN'T come naturally to you, and you don't have a track record of setting them with him . . . they might be that much more attention-getting.
Okay. I have been avoiding conversations with him completely, Starsky, thinking that's what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. I've been looking at ALL this as a "method." And I've left ME - and REAL LIFE - out of it. I haven't stood up for myself. I know that might not make sense. It doesn't even to me. I've just been a freaking robot, trying to tailor cool responses to him when he texts. I have not initiated ONE conversation even remotely related to our relationship because I thought that would be "pursuing." Verbalizing boundaries about ANY relationship with him, in my mind, has been a no-no because I haven't wanted to talk about our relationship. It's so backwards of me, and I know it. I've been GAL, and I think that has maintained some level of attractiveness. But I want and need and deserve more than to be attractive because I LOOK good. I need Train back! I'm a woman who's KNOWN for "not takin' no stuff." I need her back.
I KNOW I'm ready for something different now. I FEEL ready. And this time, it has NOTHING to do with "getting him back," because, frankly, I don't want him back. Not right now, anyway.
I'm thinking, since H has obviously noticed I've pulled away, that it could be a *natural* time to TELL him my new boundaries. And since *I* am feeling differently, I'm in a better place and feel confidant that I can actually STICK to the boundaries. I couldn't say that about myself a couple weeks ago. That has been the beauty of "going dim."
I'll think today about additional boundaries. And perhaps you can help me with them over the next few days ... and then we can come up with a way for me to drop them with H before - or once - he's here this weekend. I'm not even opposed to e-mailing something to him before he heads down, especially since I told him there would be "ground rules" for his visit. I haven't e-mailed him yet. Lol. I seriously have not had one conversation. Not written one letter. I've just done nothing. Nothing.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I have been avoiding conversations with him completely, Starsky, thinking that's what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. I've been looking at ALL this as a "method." And I've left ME - and REAL LIFE - out of it. I haven't stood up for myself. I know that might not make sense. It doesn't even to me. I've just been a freaking robot, trying to tailor cool responses to him when he texts. I have not initiated ONE conversation even remotely related to our relationship because I thought that would be "pursuing." Verbalizing boundaries about ANY relationship with him, in my mind, has been a no-no because I haven't wanted to talk about our relationship.
Then think of it as healthy boundaries you need to have in place in order to negotiate the healthy END to your relationship, or -- if things should change -- at least to help you navigate this current period that he has indicated that he wants a relationship with OW instead of with you.
You're thinking of boundaries as tactics. THEY'RE NOT. They're not even strategy. They are healthy markers, for YOU, and for your KIDS.
I'll think today about additional boundaries. And perhaps you can help me with them over the next few days ... and then we can come up with a way for me to drop them with H before - or once - he's here this weekend. I'm not even opposed to e-mailing something to him before he heads down, especially since I told him there would be "ground rules" for his visit. I haven't e-mailed him yet. Lol. I seriously have not had one conversation. Not written one letter. I've just done nothing. Nothing.
FYI, I am going to be out of pocket much of today and tomorrow, and then again Saturday and Sunday. I have to take the fetching Mrs. Starsky for her 50+ colonoscopy tomorrow, and so she begins prepping today, and I'll be watching our granddaughter and taking S16 to the dr., who's been puking since yesterday. That enough bodily fluids for ya??
And then we're moving my wife's 92 year old parents in with us this weekend. Busy busy!!! I'll try to check in, but it may be spotty. Remember, when in doubt, it's "Hmmm; not sure how I feel about that anymore," or "I'm afraid it's not that simple now," or "Hmmm, I'll have to think about that and get back to you."
Holy cow - busy, indeed! I hope everyone makes it through procedures and illnesses ... and big moves ... in tact! Two of mine just made it through the stomach bug a couple weeks ago; nooooo fun!
I'm going to spend some time writing a would-be e-mail to H. I'll post it here for feedback; I don't even know if writing it in the first place is a good idea. But I saw something the other day that said: "Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean." I'm tired of communicating through texts.
And, yeah, I don't mind face-to-face. But I need to fire a warning-shot in case he has plans to come here and text OW all weekend; the beach always makes him, ummmm, "excited." Always has. So I'm sure he'll be feeling the urge to be in touch with her quite a bit.
A pre-visit letter would also help me stand firm on stated boundaries through the weekend, should he agree to my terms and visit here after reading the letter. It'd be nice to have them out and in writing.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I'd submit that telling him who he can text comes off as control. A boundary is deciding for yourself that you don't want to be around that behavior and then not inviting him.
I've found it helpful to think of H as my ex and set my boundaries where I would have a right to set them with an ex. I can't tell him who he can text. I can't tell how to relate to his kids (except for situations where the law would care). If he is being disrespectful, I create happy spaces for me and my kids and he's not invited. If I already invited him, I bear it and make a different choice next time. I act as if I'm going on with my life. This has made him much kinder to me and the kids. When he saw that I was going to let him go it freaked him out and he started connections with the kids (mind reading here) because he didn't want to lose them too. By making a big deal out of the texting, you are showing him that you're right where he wants you.
I know it's tough to see S7 cry. That same issue is what drove me to the breaking point where I asked H to leave, but you have influence there. You can act as if with your children too. You can tell them that you love daddy enough to let him go if that's what he wants. You can tell them that you guys will be just fine and then GAL with them. It they're sad, just say I know this is hard on you, and give them a hug and a peaceful place to grieve.
Hugs,
FP
M43 H43 M14 T22 when it all fell apart D12 S10 "Never have been happy" 3/2013 EA/PA since 2/2013 H moved out 11/2013 H looking to buy a house where OW can live with him 5/2015 Very cordial, nothing filed
I'd submit that telling him who he can text comes off as control. A boundary is deciding for yourself that you don't want to be around that behavior and then not inviting him.
I respectfully disagree, FP. A boundary is deciding for yourself how you will allow others to treat you. If he is in Train's presence -- either as a current H or an ex -- she has every right to decide how she will allow herself to be treated.
I'll use an example of an off-color racial joke. If Train's H told one in her presence, and she found it repugnant, she has every right to say "I don't find that funny, and I would appreciate it if you don't tell jokes like that in my presence. She shouldn't make HERself leave the room?
I agree with the rest of your post about treating a wayward spouse as an ex -- that's spot-on.
That enough bodily fluids for ya??