Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

A little background: She moved out of our house on Nov 18, 2013 when she got her $18K severance check from her previous job, and she moved into the Retirement Home that we bought and that she runs.

I discovered my wife's affair Dec 14, 2013 and confronted her.

I decided to D on Dec 31 when she didn't want to spend New Year's Eve with me, but with the OM.

I was moving on with my life but on Jan 4, 2014 she came home with R on her mind. She said she was going to do NC. I stopped my D path. But that only lasted a week.

The past 4 months have been hell for me. She is still in love with him although claims she's not sleeping with him. She loves me but is not in love with me. We do spend a lot of time together. I've made dramatic changes in my behavior and in my life, but her question is "Why now?" I'm trying to be the man that only a fool would leave. Michelle is right when she says it's the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

Last night I was invited to her daughters and fiance's place. They didn't know about the affair but did know we were having problems in our marriage. Over the Easter weekend at his folks place his brother told him he saw my wife with the OM back in Dec kissing him and fondling his ass while they waited in line at a restaurant. So the kids asked me if I knew about him and so I spilled all the beans and told them everything. I know my wife was trying to keep the affair from them so as not to lose face in her daughter's eyes.

But now the cat's out of the bag. But they are not going to admit to her that they know - not yet.

The question is: should I tell her that the kids know; that his whole family knows? Or should I just shut up and let it unfold by itself?

I drove by her place last night on my way home and she wasn't there. I know - no snooping, but I sometime fail to keep to the rules. I suspect she was spending the night with the OM but maybe my imagination is getting the better of me. I know there are other possible explanations of where she might have been - other friends where she could be staying the night. Still it drives me crazy.

[Roberta]

Having to deal with your wife's infidelity, and trying to protect her image for your family's sake is very difficult. In order to get expert advice in all these matters, I urge you to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach. Please call me and we can discuss our Coaching program. 303-444-7004

[woundedfool]

The question is: should I tell her that the kids know; that his whole family knows? Or should I just shut up and let it unfold by itself?

Me, no... I would not be the one to spill. Since they already know, let her slip on her own (and potentially get "caught" in a lie).

I know there are other possible explanations of where she might have been - other friends where she could be staying the night. Still it drives me crazy.

There may be a million explanations, but none of them will change where you are, or where you are headed. That is why snooping/stumbling upon things will only drive you crazy.

So you are best to just simply detach. Its tough (I know, but just keep working at it).

[AnotherStander]

I was moving on with my life but on Jan 4, 2014 she came home with R on her mind. She said she was going to do NC. I stopped my D path. But that only lasted a week.

It was too soon for that. This is a marathon, not a sprint!

I've made dramatic changes in my behavior and in my life, but her question is "Why now?"

All WAS's say that to their DB'ing LBS's. They see it as "too little too late". If she asks then you tell her you're changing for YOU, because it's the right thing to do.

So the kids asked me if I knew about him and so I spilled all the beans and told them everything. I know my wife was trying to keep the affair from them so as not to lose face in her daughter's eyes.

You shouldn't have done that. DO NOT involve family. DO NOT talk to family about your sitch. Especially if it's HER family. Guess what, she WILL find out and when she does, she will see it as you manipulating things behind her back.

I drove by her place last night on my way home and she wasn't there. I know - no snooping, but I sometime fail to keep to the rules. I suspect she was spending the night with the OM but maybe my imagination is getting the better of me.

This is exactly why you shouldn't snoop. It'll just drive you crazy.

[PeterV2]

You shouldn't have done that. DO NOT involve family. DO NOT talk to family about your sitch. Especially if it's HER family. Guess what, she WILL find out and when she does, she will see it as you manipulating things behind her back.

I'll stop talking to them about it. But I feel like she's my daughter too, not just "her family". And they brought it up to me. I'm not going to lie to her, I have a truthful relationship with my kids. They asked me if I knew about the OM and I said yes. They knew we were having problems and have been asking all along how things were going. They just hadn't known about the OM until his brother told them what he saw.
My therapist said they should tell her they know, but MUST tell them it was not me who told them, but Brad's brother who told them. Or maybe they should just keep it to themselves for now.

Yesterday was an ok day. She lives at her business, a retirement home, which we run together, and I had to clean out the garden shed so I brought her a coffee in the morning and we sat in the sun and talked. She had said the day before that Monday she had the worst anxiety attack ever - all day. That was after Sunday night when I went by the retirement home and she wasn't there and then sent her a text at 1:30am.
Anyway, yesterday she seems better and told me her mother told her how much her mother loved me and thought I was the greatest, in tears of joy. I got emotional and Taz (wife) asked what’s wrong but I couldn’t go there so I called a time out and walked around the corner and cried. When I returned we got into a deep relationship talk. I told her I had an awakening and I’m getting on with my life with or without her (maybe not the best time to mention that). She took that as meaning I want a divorce, but I told her that’s the last thing I want. Then she thought that I meant I wanted to start dating, but I said I have no interest in dating – I’m not at all looking to get into another relationship. Then she became quite angry that she had suffered for 7 years while I was having a “relationship” with my ex-wife, which I said I was not but she insisted that I was because I was handing things over to her upon demand. And just because I’ve gone through a little pain over the last couple of months it doesn’t hold a candle to how much pain she endured over 10 years, losing her identity for my sake. I told her she shouldn’t have done that. She said I gave her no choice (not true). She accused me of being selfish, always wanting my way and always nagging and being persistent enough to get my own way all the time and never taking her feelings into consideration. She blamed me for pushing her into buying the retirement home (not true). I apologized for my past behaviour and said I am learning many things now including how to be more compassionate and empathetic and I feel her pain and wish it to pass soon so she can be happy once again. She said she’s not going anywhere, but she’s not at a point where she wants to make any big decisions. She agreed with me that we are a dynamic, powerful couple and could do great things together. I told her there is a path to that and it’s simple but not easy: if what you’re doing works do more if it, if what you’re doing doesn’t work, stop doing it. She commented that that was very simplistic. I just said it was that simple. It just required work to stick to it. We hugged and kissed and she said that she did love me. Then she left to go to lunch with a girlfriend.
Man this is a rollercoaster! :s

Last night I was finishing up organizing the garden shed after work (I also run my own company as well as help her run hers) and she returned from a day out with friends and told me how great a day she had. We talked about things like that for a while - always good to fill up my love bucket. Then we hugged and kissed and I went home. She sent me texts of appreciation for all the work I did yesterday for her business. I replied that my love language is "acts of service". She said it's all appreciated. I thanked her for loving me. She sent me a big smile.
So a few tense moments in the day but all ended well.

I may put my Last Last Resort move which I was thinking of invoking on hold. Looks like things may improve for a while. I just have to stay the course. I just wish she’d stop seeing him. But I have no control over that. I just have to disconnect when she does. Maybe fly to The Bahamas for a mini vacation when she does that. Get drunk on the beach. Stick my head in the ocean and scream.
In the meantime I need to stick to my plan. And like it says, when in crisis, consult the plan, not my emotions.
Although, on second thought, I think pulling back more can only improve things.
It's just so hard when we see each other almost every day because of the business. So I just have to stay the course – wish me strength. Still I need to get a life regardless.

[sandi2]

Still here?

[PeterV2]

Yes, Sandi2, I'm still here. Shouldn't I be?
I don't know which way is up sometimes. I've gone over to her place the last couple of evenings to bring her stuff for her business and her mum, who's got a cold. And we've ended up talking about our M. Last night she was talking about the OM and how nice he is and telling me how bad our M was and that the pain she felt over the 1st 7 years we were together was so great that the pain I've felt over the past 4 months doesn't even compare.
She tells me I'm a salesman and she never wanted to be with an alcoholic or a salesman. That is my career, so she's hurting me to the core with her words. She wants to spread her wings and fly, but feels that even though I say she's free to do what she wants she still thinks I'm spying on her and stalking her. I have done that a couple of times over the past 3 months but I try to avoid doing that. It's hard when she's still seeing the OM and I suspect sleeping with him again.
I told her I'm torn: if I spend time with her and show her love I feel that I push her away, but if I detach and withdraw I feel she'll think I don't love her. I told her that when I withdraw and detach it's only to protect myself from pain and not that I don't love her.

[sandi2]

Sure, but when you haven't posted in a few days, I think maybe you've left. The more often you post, the more replies you'll likely receive.

You made reference to something Michele had said, but have you read all of Divorce Remedy?

You referred to your plan. What is it exactly?

IMO, a WAW in an A is worse than one that does not have her head messed up by another man. IMO, she is meaner, deceitful, shocking, more selfish and will cause more pain for her loved ones, than the WAW who is not in an A. And when I say affair, I don't mean just a physical. If the OM consumes her head, it is an A. There is no excuse for an A, but I understand why and how they can happen.

I see where your hopes soared b/c she was in a better mood after being with her friends and you had a good talk, hugged and kissed. Today, you don't know which end is up. I am sorry you are going through all of this.

I suggest you immediately step back and stop making any type of contact with her. Stop all pursuit (like taking her a coffee) and stop talking to about the R.

I know you thought it was right to assure her of your love for her, no interest in dating, etc, however, the WAW in an A should have concerns she is losing you. She should be concerned if she continues her A that she will lose you to a future other woman. She needs to know she doesn't get to have OM/A and nothing changes in her H and M.

Seeing you move forward as if you are planning your life without her, is actually a good thing. Her getting mad about it is great. Why? B/c it means there is still a part of her that wants to claim place in your life. But she can't have both men, and that's what she's trying to do. Many will try to keep their ties to family activities, but also hang on to A.

She will have to see her own reality, and the circumstances that come with breaking up a M & family. She will need to miss you, which comes from your absence in her life. You can't be rescue her from her problems (big or small) or try to protect her from whatever comes at her. The more you rescue, protect, and allow cake eating, she will have no incentive to end the A. And, your pain and agony will steadily increase.

I often tell LBH'S that his WAW who is having an A needs to act as if he is dumping her, instead of acting like a jilted H. That is just my own advice, based on the mindset of the WAW. By that, I am not telling you to be ugly or mean in any way. But stop assuring her you'll stick around waiting for her. Drop the rope and leave her alone. It will have more influence than anything you have done thus far.

She will begin to wake up and pursue you when she's ready to reconcile. But it is important that she works to get back into the M. Don't talk about any of this. Talk does not work on a WAW. Only action works.

[PeterV2]

Looks like some of this thread has been deleted. So I will recap what has been going on.
Here is my plan:
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MY PLAN TO HAVE A GREAT LIFE

I am doing this to create a great life for myself. To be the best human being I can be. To be generous, loving, caring, compassionate, honest and open in all relationships with others. To be financially successful and independent, so I can share my wealth and life with those for whom I care.

1. Change myself:
- Learn to keep emotionally present at all times – aware of my emotions and urges
- Control my emotions and urges and think about the consequences of my words before I utter them
- Get out of debt & manage money better
- Learn to let go and let the process unfold by itself
- Be more generous, less selfish
- Listen better and hear better
- Slow down, stop rushing.
- Eat meals slowly savouring the experience.
- In personal affairs, be less persistent, let things happen in due course
- Understand where I failed to meet my partner’s needs in the past so as not to repeat those mistakes in the future
- Release the need to control people or the circumstances. The only thing I can control is myself and even that’s a challenge at times.

2. Be open to reconnect with W:
- Stick to the solution-based approach
- Listen to what she says every time she opens her mouth and reflect back for full understanding
- Validate her thoughts, even if I totally disagree. Just acknowledge what she says
- Give her space
- When she comes to me be kind, gentle and loving but firm and strong.
- Detach from the outcome

In doing all these things I must remain:
- Calm in my demeanor
- Constant in my actions
- Consistent in my actions
- Committed to the process

When in crisis, consult with this plan, not my feelings. Be patient. Let the process take its due course. Have faith that by sticking to this plan the goal will eventually be achieved.





Follow these rules:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns W completely off
2. No frequent phone calls to W.......let her be the one to call me. Then, don't try to hang on to W through conversation.....instead, I should say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get her to read marriage books, look at our wedding pictures, etc. Especially, do not get her to read the Divorce Busters/Divorce Remedy book. That is for me only!
4. Do not follow W around like a puppy dog trying to get her time and attention
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. She may not want to think about a future with me at the moment, so stay clear of that subject
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset her.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self-confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the relationship is much better and the affair is over.
10. Do not spy on W by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for me and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make W say it back to me......she will despise me for it.)
12. Act "as if" I am moving on with my life with or without her and that I am going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best I can be and look the best I can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, because it does cause her to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on her to see what kind of mood she is in or what she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for myself without waiting on W.....but it is okay to invite her; just don't act as if it will change my plans if she does or doesn't go.
15. When with W, do 180s… so if I usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for her to initiate, then be rather scarce or minimal with my words, but don't sound rude or too short like I am mad. If your W asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on my face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t pout. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like I'm not speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If I'm in the habit of asking W her whereabouts, ASK HER NOTHING!! I am giving her space and asking no questions! I must enjoy MY life and time with my kids, friends, etc. Remember, I am getting a life too.
17. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if she notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing. (But never ask her if she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If I do, then I have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get her back & she won't believe the changes are lasting
18. No matter what I am feeling TODAY, only show W happiness and contentment. This can confuse her because it is not what she expected. Show W someone she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with. (As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is me! Don't overkill in my attempts to outshine OM to the point of looking like my attempts are "fake" because W will see through all of that.
19. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until W wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on my behalf.
20. Never lose my cool! Never lose my temper! (That reinforces her choice to leave). Don't let W trap me into a fight. Don't take her bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if I have to, in order to avoid a fight. Call a time out and take it. Or when my buttons are pushed do a 180 and validate her view even if I silently disagree.
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything I do because it will come across as fake.
22. Do not argue about how W feels about something (it only makes her feelings more negative.) Only she knows how she feels! Don’t try to justify my former actions or behaviours when she says how she feels or felt about them. Just empathize and say how hard that must have been. I can add an apology if warranted, but no justifications or reasons. It’s not about me. It’s about her feelings.
23. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give W space and time. When I pull back, it will draw her towards me. It feels opposite of what I want to do, but it works!
24. Listen carefully to what W is really saying to me. Look her in the eyes when she talks to me. Do NOT interrupt her when she is speaking, OR correct her, and stop what I may be working on or doing, to look at her when she talks. This shows her that I really care about what she is saying. (Listening better never hurts.)
25. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away (stating I need a time out) when I want to speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."
26. Take care of myself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of my life that are not in turmoil). This is for my health's sake.
27. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self-help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for me only, NOT W. The more I tell her what I am doing (or trying to show her) the more my actions will seem manipulative & insincere.
28. Know that if I can do 180's, my smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words I can say or write or a single dramatic gesture. (Not saying not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns W's belief in the changes).
29. Do not openly show that I am "desperate" or "needy" even when I am hurting more than ever, & even when I truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for W. Very important that I get this concept.
30. When I communicate with W, do not focus on myself; instead, focus on her. If in person, make eye contact.
31. Do not believe any of what SHE SAYS and less than 50% of what SHE DOES. W will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared AND because she wants to justify her leaving.
32. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad I feel.
33. Do not ask W if she has noticed my changes! Those changes are for me and for the rest of my life...with or without her. If it is just to get W back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
34. Do not send several text messages or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.)
35. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
36. Do not backslide from my hard earned changes.
37. Do Not convince myself that being miserable or sad shows how much I care for W. It's not attractive or appealing, period.
38. Don't focus on OM. BE the better choice, which means being a husband only a fool would leave.
39. Know that I really will be alright in the long run, that my personal work will yield good things regardless of the choices others make. I will be happy again.

=============================================================

Here is my detachment manifesto.
==============================================================
Developing Detachment
Content
What is detachment?
What are the negative effects not detaching?
How is detachment a control issue?
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
How to Develop Detachment
Steps in Developing Detachment

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow W the freedom to be herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix W from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving W "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with W.
* Willingness to accept that I cannot change or control W.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from W, to whom I have previously given a lot of power to affect my emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and W, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent in order that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see W falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for her failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to me to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow W to be who she "really is" rather than who I "want her to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by W who in the past has been overly dependent or enmeshed with me.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If I am unable to detach from W, then I:
* Will have W become over-dependent on me or vice versa.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for W which I do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything I perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation I experience from W.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of W to whom I have given the power to control me.
* Will be blind to the reality that W is one of the uncontrollables and unchangeables I need to let go of if I am to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which W may project.
* Might become caught up with my idealistic need to make everything perfect for W even if it means my own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of myself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if I rationally recognize my relationship with W is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing my autonomy and independence and derive my value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship I continue in with W.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in my life and a way to strengthen my internal "locus of control."
* If I am not able to detach emotionally or physically from W, then I am either profoundly under her control or she is under my control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that I am "out of control."
* If I am not able to detach from W, I might be powerless over her behavior which is beyond my personal control.
* I might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when I am in the presence of W
* I might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with W for fear of great harm to myself or to W if I don't remain so deeply involved.
* I might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of W who I believe cannot care for herself.
* I might be so manipulated by W's con, "helplessness," over-dependency or "hooks" that I cannot leave her to solve her own problems.
* If I do not detach from W, I could be so busy trying to "control" her that I completely divert my attention from myself and my own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on W, I am really a controller trying to fix her to meet the image of my ideal for her.
* Although I will still have feelings for W, when I have become detached, I will have given her the freedom to become what she will be on her own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows W to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if she doesn't please me by what she becomes.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If I should stop being involved, what will she do without me? - She lived without me for many years before she met me and did just fine – she will be fine on her own again.
* She needs me and that is enough to justify my continued involvement. - She doesn’t really need me. She may not even want me. She’s a capable woman who will find her own way.
* What if she commits suicide because of my detachment? I must stay involved to avoid this. - She wouldn’t do that – if only for the sake of her daughter, her only child who she cherishes more than anyone else in the world.
* I would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to her after I reduced my involvement with her. – She will be fine on her own. If bad things happen to her then it is because of her own choices over which I have no control.
* She is absolutely dependent on me at this point and to back off now would be a crime. – She is an independent woman and quite capable of running her own life – she did fine in the past.
* I need her as much as she needs me. – I am a strong and independent individual and will be fine without her, just as she will be fine without me.
* I can't control myself because every day I promise myself "today is the day" I will detach my feelings but I feel driven to her and her needs. – I am capable of incredible feats of control.
* She has so many problems, she needs me. – Her problems are of her own making and therefore they are hers to solve. Any help I provide to solve her problems will only be external influences and therefore will not have as deep an effect as those solutions she herself comes up with. In fact any help I may provide may have a counterproductive effect as she will perceive the help as me trying to manipulate the situation.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. I can't be that way when I love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all. – I can detach and not be cold or aloof. I can be detached and simultaneously empathetic and caring.
* If I should let go of this relationship too soon, she might change to be like the fantasy or dream I want her to be. – I cannot control what changes she goes through. And any changes she does go through I have the freedom to accept.
* How can being detached from her help her? It seems like I should do more to help her. – The more I help her the more enmeshed we become which is not a healthy result.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. I could never allow myself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between me and her. It seems so unnatural. – The detachment is a necessary step in the process to allow her the freedom to come into her own, on her own terms and on her own timetable. Detachment seems counterintuitive but in reality it is only out of respect for the relationship and our marriage that it makes sense to detach and give her the freedom she needs and is asking for at this time.
* I never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from me so why would I think it a good thing to do for others?¬ – This is a necessary step in the process and is the only way to create the possibility of the growth that’s needed in the both of us.
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in my life. – Fine idea for when our marriage relationship is strong, but at this time detachment is what is needed in order to light the way to lasting solutions.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. I do not have a good relationship with others unless I share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles. ¬ – I have my own pain to deal with and I can’t expect W to share my pain, so why would I think that I should share hers. We need to each individually deal with our own pain and problems – the solutions must come from within each of us – externally invoked solutions will not be lasting or profound enough to make a difference.
* When she is in "trouble," how can I ignore her "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.¬ – I don’t have to ignore her “pleas” for help, but I don’t have to run to rescue her. I can listen to her and reflect back and empathize and validate her feelings, but she is ultimately responsible for helping herself and I should not interfere with that process. It may just result in her resentment and her feeling I’m trying to exert my control over the situation.
* When I see people in trouble, confused and hurting, I must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.¬ – I must control any urges to get involved in something that I have no control over. People need to solve their own problems – I can offer support and encouragement but it’s not wise to offer the solutions – they need to find those on their own. I can lovingly ask pointed questions to stimulate thought but not to do so in order to control their path.
* When I meet people who are "helpless," I must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction. – That doesn’t really help them. They need to go through their own process of self-discovery.
* I should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help. – A cost benefit analysis should always be something I carefully consider when thinking of offering help.
* I would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful. – No I wouldn’t.
* I can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom I love and cherish. – I cannot drain my own emotional health for the benefit of my loved ones as that would not serve any of us well. I must be emotionally strong and not drained.
* No matter how badly my loved ones hurt and abuse me, I must always be forgiving and continue to extend my hand in help and support. – I teach people how to treat me, and by sanctioning bad behaviour I am not doing me or them any favours. I must have clearly defined boundaries and stick to them.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and I should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems. – That’s a very shallow philosophy – sometimes tough love is true love.

How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from W, I need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between me and W, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over my feelings from W which in the past I have given power to affect my emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to my Higher Power the person and situation which I would like to see changed but which I cannot change on my own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to my personal recovery and self-health by admitting to myself and my Higher Power that there is only one person I can change and that is me and that for my serenity I need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal W.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that I have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue W if she does not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that I need to be healthy myself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for W to recognize that there is something "wrong" with her that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own my feelings as my responsibility and not blame W for the way I feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for my own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for W to blame for my unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in my relationship with W.

Tenth: Accept that W could be an "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influence in my life, label her honestly for what she truly is, and stop minimizing her negative impact in my life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede my ability to develop detachment in my life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make W better, over which I have no control or power to change.

Steps in Developing Detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify the toxicities W is bringing into my life which would best lead me to develop emotional detachment in order to retain my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this I need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify if any of our interactions fit any of the following categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships
* I find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
> She is emotionally unavailable to me.
> Coercive, threatening, intimidating to me.
> Punitive or abusive to me.
> Non-productive and non-reinforcing for me.
> She is overly dependent on me.
* I am overly dependent on her.
> She has the power to impact my feelings about myself.
* Relationship in which I am a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
> Relationship in which my obligation and loyalty won't allow me to let go.
> She appears helpless, lost and out of control.
* She is self-destructive or suicidal.
* She has an addictive disease.
> Relationship in which I am being manipulated and conned.
* When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing my letting go and detaching.
> Relationship in which I have a fantasy or dream that the she will come around and change to be what I want.
* Relationship in which her and I are competitive for control.
> Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
> Relationship in which my needs and wants are ignored.

Step 2: Once I have identified the toxicities in the relationship, then I need to work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent me from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones. (done above)

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why I am being hurt and my physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship. - Her ongoing affair and rejection of me is constantly causing me emotional pain which is causing me to lose sleep, elevating my blood pressure and pulse and causing me anxiety and spiritual crises. She is spewing unjust criticisms about me, my family, my very being, our marriage, our past relationship and my past behaviour. Some of these toxic words cut me to my very soul and I need a very thick spew jacket to protect me.

Step 5: Accept and admit to myself that she is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what I say, do or demand I will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing I can change in life and that is me. All others are the unchangeables in my life. Change my expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand my relationship with W over to my Higher Power and let go of the need to change her.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free myself from guilt as I let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship. I need to do this for self-preservation. Without doing this I will steadily decline in my ability to withstand the constant negative pressure to a point where my coping skills may fail me.

Step 7: Affirm myself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in my life. I am a good person and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for myself as I begin to let go of my emotional enmeshment with W.

Step 9: Continue to call upon my Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to not give W the power to affect or impact my feelings about myself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for her.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control her.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame her; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow her to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow her to affect her own destiny.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit her to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate her, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

Step 12: If I still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
==============================================================

[PeterV2]

Sandi had sent me the following advice (which was also deleted) but here it is again:

That plan sounds much better.
I think all LBS's have problems in detaching at first. Their emotions want to stay focused on the WAS, which keeps them on a roller coaster. So you need to "emotionally" detach by getting your focus away from your W and onto you and taking care of yourself. Detaching is to protect you. It is not punishment toward her. It is not showing her anger or coldness. It is more of an indifference.....until you can get stronger and more confident. By indifference, I am not saying you stop caring about her. But you do not let her moods, actions, attitudes, positives, or negatives direct your emotions and actions. When all your attention and conversation is about her......it is b/c she is consuming your life and you haven't pulled back.
When you have a WAW, you must pull away from her. Completely opposite from what you would do if both of you were working for a good M. Someday, I hope you get the opportunity to apply those actions you had in your first plan you presented. But while you are in this stitch with a WAW, the worst thing you could do is pursue her.
Pursuit has many forms. Initiating contacts, creating opportunities to see her, taking small gifts (coffee,etc.), or larger gifts, flowers, giving her invitations, dropping hints, doing things for her, etc. B/c these actions cause tremdous pressure on her and she will pull away and resist that pressure.
The other worst thing that runs neck & neck with pursuing is begging/pleading/emploring. It turns off the WAW worse (I think) than even the pursuing. B/c it shows you, as a man, in a weak position......in her eyes. She has already lost respect for you, and those actions cause disgust in her.
We will give you suggestions in how to deal with this stage of things. If there is a change, and she comes to you and asks what she has to do to make the M work.......then we will help you through that stage. But for now.......and probably a long time, you will need to stick to this plan.
Sharing a business or working together is nearly as bad as living together. It is hard to detach from the emotional hook she will use to pull you in. That's why you have to stay focused. For now, I suggest that anything you do at her business, try to do it without consulting her......if you can. I understand you may have to with the bills, but if you work in the garden, etc., maybe you wouldn't, IDK. just don't use those "jobs" as an excuse to get to see her for a minute or two......or report what you've done for her.
Don't share with her what you are doing in your life. Don't discuss your changes, your LL, your needs or what you want to do for her.......nada. Like when you took her a coffee and told her your LL was acts of service. I know the LBH wants his WAW to see his changes and he worries that pulling away she will have all the wrong ideas. But don't be concerned with it b/c she will notice and a WAW never thinks the way her H believe she will think about him.
Speaking as a former WAW, I can tell you that the sooner she has to deal with the reality of her own decisions (having A with OM, and breaking up the M), the better off for everyone.....and the M. She is hooked on the excitement of the A. If you have never heard of the term PEAs, please look it up on Internet. It was very informative for me and helped me realize what I was experiencing.
By not rescuing her or protecting her from reality, it will assist her awaking from her WAW fantasy. I don't mean to imply that it is something you control to make it happen. You can't. But as long as she cake eats, the longer she is contented to keep things as they are. She gets part of her needs met from you, and the other needs are met by OM. She has the best of both worlds.
It is not your job to punish her. So you may have to use a few things as a guide to your motivatation behind your actions. Ask yourself, "Am I doing this to protect myself, or to rescue or punish her?".
Now something is going to happen, so I want you to be prepared. She will like you giving her
space when she wants it. But you need to be "unavailable" when she decides she will give you a few minutes of her time. You need to be unavailable to be her errand boy, plumber, electrician, gardener, etc. She won't like you not being available when she needs something. Or, whenever OM isn't available for her emotionally, she want to throw a few crumbs your way.
A lot of WAW's get angry when they see the changes in her H. Why did he wait till she left and then improved himself? She kind of takes it the wrong way. Many use the excuse of his improvements of "I am afraid you will fall back into your old ways". Truth is, they respect the changes he's made, but she's mad he didn't do it when she wanted it. You can't let that deter you from your path. You have already told her you had an awakening and are making improvements. Do not repeat anything you have already told her! The WAW is not hard of hearing. Many LBH'S have a need to "restate" something again as if it will have some sort of power or influence that it didn't have the first time he said it. No, just don't say anything.
When words fail you or she says something stupid just look at her astonished and slowly shake your head and move on away.
Your biggest temptation will probably be to discuss the relationship. It only hurts things at this point. Talking will not fix the problem now. Nothing will work to fix the M until she gets OM out of head and life for good. If she tries to talk about R, just tell her that when she ends the A, she can talk then. But then add "However. I won't wait forever". If that conversation happens, then don't tell her anymore. When or if she brings up the R, you hold your hand up in the "stop" position and tell her that unless the A has ended, there is nothing more to discuss.
When she does end the A, and she goes through the withdrawals (which is a subject for another time), then the two of you talk if she is interested and approaches you first. She should be the one to initiate.
So for now, you need to get well informed. You need to get focused on your life and your plan of action.
You need to detach. And, you need to do whatever you can to be in excellent health. What you are
_
experiencing takes a huge toll. But I don't have to tell you b/c you've been through this once before.
Take a day as it comes. Do the best you can, and don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Learn from your mistakes and from the information available.
It may not seem like it at times, but you are working on becoming a man only a fool would leave. But since she has already left, you have to take the long road around. Some day she (or perhaps a new lady) will see any woman would be crazy to leave you.
You can do it. Don't give up on yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!