So yesterday, Xbf starts filling my head again with the possibility of reconciliation, yaddda yadda.... I was believing it. Then, he started talking about this real estate agent that is interested in him. I walked away, thought I don't like that. Went back, told him, that he hurt me, indulging in this OW and that I deserve better... then I left.
When I got back, he had flipped a switch and was sorry and started to fill my head again on what a possible relationship could look like. But, he is scared of history repeating itself. This went circular for a while. I was trying to get him to commit. I offered up exclusive, transparent & working on a new relationship. He liked to hear it but again, wouldn't commit. He even pretty much said that he might be trying to cake eat. So... I basically laid it on the table. Saying I want a reconciliation, but if he is not willing to put both feet in, commit & be exclusive....then I'm out. I told him to go figure his stuff out.
I am worth so much more than his crumbs.... I see this now.
I slipped up.... I totally lost my self value over the past few days...again.
I now see that having "coffee's, etc".... pull me back in. I need to let him know that I won't be indulging... that its too confusing. That I deserve better.
I need to get our finances finalized.
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Last night went overnight to a friends place out of town....was great to be away and have something to do and somewhere to go.
DD and Xbf went to the movies... was very ironic that the movie they thought was supposed to be all "action" ended up to be about family & life is short, family means everything and a guy who worked too much. He texted me after their date. "had a nice time and the movie was good (family stuff not just guns and car chases) then jack astors... the cat and DD are on the way...good nite".... I didn't reply. In discussion with my DD today, she said it made him think...lol
~~~~~~~~~~~ Today, I have easter dinner plans at my new friends place out of town. Out of my comfort zone to drive there...but, living this new me life ... I try new things.
OH.... I am anxious to read all about Pearlharbr!!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Been thinking... You need to figure out your stuff. Meanwhile, its just too confusing to spend time with you right now. Lets focus on our financial deal and get it finalized this week.
comments?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Don't send that text. If you really have to satisfy that itch to send a text, I might I suggest that you only address that the two of you sit down and focus on getting the financial stuff finalized this week.
No talks about figuring out his stuff...that's his problem...not yours. He's a big boy and you are not his mother.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tx Job... I've been following along in Pearlharbr's thread suggested by Starsky...
Very interesting... she initially did it to see his reaction. WOW!
I sent that text last night... now need to follow through today. No more being baited and kept on the hook by his crumbs. I deserve and want more!
My greatest fear at this point is that he will respect my request & actually stop initiating coffee time, etc. That he will take me seriously and really leave me alone. Because I asked, and because it says Im hurting.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Why are you afraid that he'll do what you asked? Isn't that what you wanted or are you looking for a reaction? You know, if you put out a boundary and/or request....YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT! It's not done to get a reaction or hope that he will coming running back w/promises that never happen.
Learn to set your boundaries and truly mean them. Your last paragraph tells me that you really haven't changed if you are afraid he'll follow through on your request. Either you want him to leave you alone or you don't...you need to make up your mind and stick with the decision.
Actions speak louder than words and you need to practice each and every day what you learned while away on your trip. You do not want to fall back into old patterns. Until he sees that you actually mean what you've said, he'll continue on his merry way and not do anything about the relationship because he knows he has you hook, line and sinker. You are that little fish that is hoping that when he drops his line you'll be the first to gobble up the bait...guess what...it's better to be the one that is hard to catch because the work will make him appreciate you all the more.
Bottom line...respect yourself and others will respect you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am setting my boundaries (but, because I still care...it may come across as a manipulative game)...Im just being honest. I really need to learn to walk the talk. Its not a game, but trying on my new self-value and independence.
Ultimately, I guess I want him to leave me alone if he isn't prepared to do the work and commit to me. I deserve better than someone who is entertaining OW's attention just to boost his own ego. Again, I don't even think he likes her.
Pearlharbr actually did it ALL....for the reaction.
I need to see action. I need to show action too... that I mean it. I do not want to be that little fish anymore (back up plan), etc. I want to be hard to catch. TEACH ME!!!
I am respecting myself when I stand behind that message I sent last night... no more getting roped into his confusion. GO FIGURE IT OUT!! Meanwhile, leave me alone!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Pearl was fed up with your boyfriend's lack of commitment, and his infidelity. Yes, she of course was interested to see if she even MATTERED to him, and how he would react to her laying the hard boundary ("this is what I need in a man; whether or not that's YOU, you need to let me know"). But she was also genuinely DONE with things as they were, and she was fully prepared to move on if he didn't respond with what she needed in the relationship.
More importantly, as he continued to waffle and throw some crumbs, she HELD FIRM to her "Nope -- this is what I need; let me know if you can be that" boundary.
These weren't "tactics" to her, to try to win her BF back. These were genuine expressions of where she was, and effective communication of her new commitment boundaries.
I am pretty much there myself. I pretty much told him on Saturday too that I am prepared to do the work in a committed relationship, but ONLY with someone who is prepared to do it with me. Two feet in. This is what I need, but am not chasing you or begging you to do this. If this is what you want too, tell me. He couldn't.
So, I am very interested in Pearl's story. Learning how to be firm and stand for getting what I want in a relationship. If he can't do this with me...then I roll along. I just need him to know that I am not being baited anymore. This is my authentic genuine feeling of where I am now too.
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This morning I contacted him about work related stuff. He replied about work and sandwiched in his reply from last night "ok, to sunday evening text", then back to work comments.
Whatever that means....
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
