The next morning I texted to see if she was okay. It started several messages back and forth about various things. W's L had mentioned the C we had seen the previous summer, so I asked W if she wanted me to see him.
There had been an agenda item on the schedule when I met with the Ls the previous week that we didn't know how to address: 'What safeguards will be put in to place to ensure everyone feels safe?' and W's L mentioned the C, so I asked if W wanted me to see C.
W wrote that C had moved far away, but that W had talked with C and C said I could change. I wrote back that I can and I have.
I wrote about reading the Dalai Lama's work and scheduling the meetings with the IC to work through my issues.
W replied back "You are making so many efforts. What do you think about staying separated for a period of time and then decide about negotiating divorce?"
I couldn't believe it.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Our Ls drew up a modification to the PO so that we could communicate with each other. We met separately with a C that was part of the collaborative team. She said we should stop the collaborative process and recommended an MC.
We had our first meeting with MC on 4/2 for an hour. After, we sat down outside the MC's office and talked for 45 minutes. It was the first time we had talked since 2/28, and probably the first real talk in a long time.
I did ask if we would only see each other at counseling. She said she was open to going out on dates. I knew she is concerned about confusing the kids, so I suggested that we start with lunch while they are in school. I also suggested that we watch a show we liked to watch together (yes, Game of Thrones).
She liked the idea, and I went to the house on 4/7 for lunch. It went very well. We had another MC session this week and afterwards, she texted me about what a good session it was.
Even with all the progress, I realize I need to be patient with this process. I know she needs her space.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
It has been an interesting couple of days after our solid MC session.
W if having surgery next week and will be out of action for the week. ILs will be in town to help with things. I have told W that I would like to take and pick up from school every day. W told me to coordinate with MIL. MIL said she expected to get a schedule from W. W texted it would be nice if ILs could drive some during the week. I texted ILs can see them more next week than I can. She texted that there are reasons this situation is what it is.
I didn't respond to that. Shortly after that she texted that she hoped that wasn't too harsh, but that it felt like I was pressuring her. I replied that I wasn't trying to pressure her, only express what I wanted (which has been an issue in the past). I also texted that she should let me know if I'm putting any pressure on her about anything and that I've tried to give her space. She wrote that I had been great about that.
So today was my day with the kids over at the house. Previously, she has either left or stayed in her bedroom while I was there. Today, she came out and asked if I could talk with her. We started on a mundane topic, but eventually she told me that the past 3 days since our MC were really hard. She said that she didn't realize how much support I was giving her "even in the bad times". She also wondered if all of this, meaning serving the D papers and separating, was the right thing to do.
I told her that I knew it was tough on her, but ultimately, everyone will be happier regardless of the outcome. And then she hugged me.
I need some vets to provide input. How long do the trust nothing the WAS says and 50% of what they do rules apply? My WAS has gone from one extreme to another pretty quickly. I'm reading DR, but not sure which part I should be focused on.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
W had surgery and spent a long time with MIL. I wasn't happy that it felt like MIL was kicking me out of house after I had done some things that needed to be done. But it wasn't a battle worth waging.
Anyway, I picked the kids up from school for the first time since BD. S9 said he couldn't wait for the 'divorcement' to end. When they were in hiding, the kids came up with a word for our situation called 'divorcement'. W said 'divorce' was too scary. He wants it to end so we can be together again.
I don't know exactly what W said to them, but they really are holding up well for what they've been through. W says it is basically "Mom and Dad have had problems and we need to be apart to work them out, and we'll find a solution where everyone is happiest".
IMO, W is one of the greatest mothers. It was still sad to hear that from him today. But it is also motivation to do my work I need to do.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I can feel you about the children. My D5 always calls each night I do not have her to say goodnight. Every time she calls, she end the goodnight by telling me “I am giving the phone to mommy now because she said she needs you” and I can hear in the background her tell mommy “daddy said he needs you so hear is the phone”. I fell for this for a few times in a row and then I realized it was just D5 wanting to get us back to gather. As bad as it felt I started hanging up the phone before it got to my wife so as to maintain her space and my minimal contact.
When the D5 was over at the house last she told me she was tired of Grandma’s house and wanted to come back home. She asked when she and mommy could come back and it broke my heart. I had to ask my sister to watch her for a few minutes because I couldn't keep from crying and I didn't want D5 to see that. This might seem small to some but prior to my wife leaving I had not cried about anything other than shear pain related accidents in the better part of 15 years. Many of the self-help books I have been reading talk about getting in touch with your emotions but it would be a lot easier if this deluge didn't have to hit me all at once. Sometimes I don’t know how to take these wonderful new found emotions so I go work out instead. Sometimes I let them in and see where they take me but it always seems to go down a dark road that I would rather not be on.
Stay strong Nettles and keep up the good work my friend.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
soldier, I hear you on the emotions piece. The best advice I've seen somewhere on here is to let them flow over one like water over rocks. They are there, but they don't cause one to react.
The good news is that S9 has been his same happy self the last 2 days.
More good news is that I had another lunch with W today. It was a spur of the moment invite from W that I accepted. It went really well. W has also invited me to go to a movie with W and kids tomorrow. This will be the first activity we do as a whole family since BD. To me, this is a pretty good milestone.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
This is good news Nettles and I am happy to hear it. It really helps to encourage me in my own efforts. I also enjoy your passed on words of wisdom. I do not know if you are familiar with the now deceased television painter Bob Ross but I use to watch him with my father when I was very young and re-runs of his show still touch my heart. Anyways he was painting a landscape of a river running over rocks and said something very similar. He was referring to the painting as opposed to emotions but the message was the same in the end. I am glad to hear about the impromptu lunch with the wife and I hope you have a great event with you family!!
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Thanks soldier. And anyone my age should know Bob Ross. He was an icon.
Another thing that happened yesterday that I didn't write about is W talked about a trip this summer. My ILs decide some time ago that when each of our children turns 10, the ILs would take them on a trip. This is the year S9 will turn 10, so ILs planned a 2 week trip to France in late June. But because S9 has ADD, ILs decided to make it a trip hosted by S9 for everyone in the family.
Yesterday, W said that FIL told her that there will be a place on the trip for me. W said we will have to see how we are doing to determine what to do. Here is my philosophy on the trip:
1) I will hope to be able to go. 2) I have no expectation of being able to go. 3) I will not ask (ie pressure) W about what her thoughts are on my "status" for the trip. 4) I will let W bring up any conversations about the trip. 5) I will start tentatively planning alternative activities for the time period of the trip.
Thoughts on how to handle?
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Honestly Nettles I think what you outlined is your safest course of action. Again I am not a senior person on these forums by any means but based of the DR book it sounds the best course for your situation. You have really impressed me as far as how well you are taking the material to heart. I need to try to follow you lead a bit more. I believe that if you keep doing what you are doing and not apply pressure to your W then it will raise your chances the greatest of achieving the outcome that you want to happen.
On a side note, some mental prep might be in order for if you do get to attend the trip so that you are prepared for such a long period of exposure with your W.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
