I also post in MLC, but am having a difficult time dealing with OW scenario. So he is her supervisor, they carpool, work together 4 times a week, spend mornings together while I'm at work and kids at school, and either spend time together after work or talk on phone until 2am to 4am. And they are just BFFs. UGH - who uses that phrase in their 40s. I don't have idiot stamped on my head - I know what is going on. The problem is they could be in big trouble at work or fired for ea and pa. The work evenings until 11pm, and he says he does not want to come home because we are boring. Says he wants a divorce when his work situation is figured out. I am not sure why I am still standing, but I am. I think it is because I have never quit on anything!
H has been staying in spare room for 4 months. He does this fake sleep walking thing, and tries to be intimate. Since I figured out the PA I have been just taking him back to his room several times until he gives up. I often say rude things _ like I would love to be with you but you have shared cooties with bottom feeders so no thanks. Cruel I know - but he cannot respond because he is sleeping.
So far the affair is a secret. Is there any truth to if you bust the secret it puts strain on the affair?
I tried and he almost bust the door down at night. I have to make sure my youngest is in my room too, when I go to bed as she gets up at night to sleep with me (horrible sleeper from birth.) I have the baby monitor on in kids room even though they are elementary age because H does real sleepwalking too. That is how I know when he is faking it. Real sleepwalking he looks like normal - could cook a meal or drive a car. Fake he is walking around with eyes closed and arms up like Frankenstein. One of these times he is going to tumble down the stairs. And yes he can be very dangerous when he is doing real sleepwalking. I get no rest because he sleepwalks when stressed or is doing the fake stupid thing. UGH!
Nope he has not had it looked at. He did find out he had sleep apnea several ago. He bought a bite card at hundreds of $$ - wore it like 3 times and gave up because it made his mouth hurt. I have encouraged him for years to get therapy. He refused bc the therapist he had as a child did not figure out that he was being abused - therefore he thinks they are a crock. He went 7 times recently. He decided to start to come back to me the month OW went back to her boyfriend and go to IC. But he quit recently. Therapist told my therapist her prying about mental issues made him uncomfortable so he quit. Great!
Ever since I have known him he has had sleepwalking issues only when stressed. Basically list 6 months have not been a picnic with sleeping. I need to get both kids in my room and lock the door. However, I go to work in the middle of the night and the kids have been safer in their room, as he does not go there. Maybe he will fall down the stairs and break a leg - so he cannot get up at night for awhile...LOL
So far the affair is a secret. Is there any truth to if you bust the secret it puts strain on the affair?
Yes, it usually does work (esp. for men, in work situations). It did for me. But it is NOT DBing, and not recommended around here. If you want, you can do some research on the various pro's and con's, and make your own decision. It's not a step to be taken likely.
More importantly, what boundaries are you putting in place for YOU? You can't control a spouse's decision to have an affair, but there ARE things you can insist upon for your own self-respect. For me, it was "no texting or phoning OM from inside our marital home," "no phoning OM in front of the kids," "no family funds used to pay for your affair" (like her cellphone, for instance), etc.
Does this other woman's husband know about their affair?
Starsky309 (Love the name - it takes me back..LOL)
The OW does not have a husband. She is divorced - I don't know how many times. She did have a boyfriend, but that is over. The month she went back to him, was the month I got more attention from H. Now we just are roommates. So the only way to break the secret is thru work. I know he would be fired too at this point.
I keep repeating my boundaries, and he just does what he wants. It took forever just to move his things to other bathroom. I did not realize what a control freak he is until all this. Also, I think I am codependent I don't really stand up to him as I have a passive personality, and I think I have fear of his anger. Everytime I set a boundary involving OW - he just says I am not going to do that she is just my friend. UGH!
For starters, DON'T REPEAT YOUR BOUNDARIES. That only WEAKENS them, not strengthens them. If he breaks them, follow thru on whatever your stated consequences were.
Also, the book "Co-Dependent No More" is excellent. It may help you.
If you are reliant upon him for income, you need to think the exposure at work thing thru very carefully. You might be killing your own golden goose there.
I just started reading the book "Co Dependent no more" a few days ago. That is probably the problem I did not specify the consequences. I will have to think of what they should be. He is still living in the house and won't leave "He knows his rights." whatever!
I am not reliant on his income. But he is in danger of losing his job due to his crazy life right now. I am in danger of losing my job this fall because another company is buying us out. So I could end up being reliant on him or visa versa. He says he is divorcing me after his work situation is figured out.
I just started reading the book "Co Dependent no more" a few days ago. That is probably the problem I did not specify the consequences. I will have to think of what they should be. He is still living in the house and won't leave "He knows his rights." whatever!
A boundary unenforced isn't a boundary. It's a "GeeIreallywishyouwouldn't."
I don't really stand up to him as I have a passive personality, and I think I have fear of his anger. Everytime I set a boundary involving OW - he just says I am not going to do that she is just my friend. UGH!
That is probably the problem I did not specify the consequences. I will have to think of what they should be. He is still living in the house and won't leave "He knows his rights." whatever! 