Mondays for days ...

[Train]

This is likely going to be lengthy - my thanks to people who will hang in there with me through this one. I'm half-responding to points made last night and half-journaling my way through some of my thoughts, the past few days of which have been foreign to me. And, frankly, they're freaking me out a tad.

The other part of it you're missing is that you ARE supposed to be doing . . . just doing on YOURSELF!

I'm not per se missing that; I totally get it. To be honest, though, besides GAL and exercising, no matter how many minutes or hours I spend trying to figure out things to improve about myself, I cannot - for the life of me - figure out what more I can do to "do myself." I'm pretty happy with the person I've turned out to be. OTOH, I cannot force myself to love the idea of being a single mom. I KNOW I'll survive it and be fine - at times even happy. But am I going to "enjoy" it? No. I've been here before. No matter which way I slice it, there's nothing to per se look forward to in the life I'm going to be living. And there's no way to "prepare" myself for it. I can pretend it's going to be great. I *will* pretend it's great. But there's not much great about it.

At worse, they won't notice, and at best they'll RESENT THE HELL OUT OF YOU for making these improvements NOW, after they've gone and done something foolish like having an affair.

Obviously, I'm having a hard time with these "changes." I keep asking myself: What would/do my changes look like to me? To H? And I think: Okay, I've changed my hair. I've changed my outward appearance quite bit. But my personality? I haven't changed much about who I am, nor do I know that I want to. We've discussed this before a tad, and I'll get into it a little more in my responses to HS below.

Piecing is like an iceberg, and 95% of it comes AFTER they return to the marriage. It took the fetching Mrs. Puppy and I probably 2 - 2.5 years just to get back to a HEALTHY dynamic between us, and fully 3-5 before our marriage was one of those "stronger than ever" ones you hear about on here.

I'll also be getting into this a little more in my "journaling" below. But I don't think I have it in me to work so hard at a relationship with my H for that long. And, frankly, I'm beginning to genuinely feel he isn't worth it.

so yeah, sometimes you're no lady, lol

Now on to HS's comments ...

Your H was a predator in this case. He sought this woman's attention, asked for her number and pursued her.

Not that this matters ONE iota, but just to clarify, I was sending my H to the grocery store - right into the lions den - almost every, single day at the point in which he met OW. He made friends with a lot of the people that worked there. I know, it sounds completely odd. At one point, he even came home and said to me, "All the women there love me!" (Some accomplishment to have a fan club at the local supermarket, eh?) I'm beginning to think he and OW struck up a friendship, not through work, per se, but through his constant presence there. He started going in there more than I asked him to go, I've learned. So it's my guess he was seeing/speaking to her daily ... and several times a day. And then he asked for her number.

You think you can change someone wired like that by being a tad less critical to him at home?! *cough* *cough* Me neither.

This is my point EXACTLY on my personal growth and changes. Nothing I can do is going to change or fix him. I understand that's the point of focusing on *myself.* But when I feel like there's not much I can DO, I'm left with, well, nothing much to do.

Your husband deserves to get his butt kicked. He has a way of looking at life in a very selfish way. He gets what he wants, who cares who gets hurt in the process. For some reason certain women are drawn into men like that. Perhaps it's some sort of urge to be the one that changes them

I know I'm just an "online stranger," and it's likely hard to believe me when I tell you this, but TRUST me: My H was NOT this man when we first met. I *vetted* him - I *chose* him - because he WASN'T like this. I mean, I didn't even find him *attractive* enough to be a cheater; I know that sounds terrible. But one of the reasons I knew I had fallen in love with him is because he was so NOT my usual type, but I loved him for taking such good care of my girls and me. I took my time choosing him. He had his sh!t together. He owned his own home and his own car. He had a great job. His parents have been married 50 years. He did nice things for me. He worked on my car. He even attempted to cook me dinner ... once. He took care of my DDs when I had meetings for work, playing with them and letting them dress him up, etc. He NEVER had a "wandering eye" - and, believe me, I watched for it in the almost-2 years we dated before I married him. My DDs' dad was the "bad boy"; and, yeah, I was young (only 19) and stupid when I met him and became pregnant with D17. I knew he wasn't a long-term catch. So I KNEW what to look for *after* him. H did not provide ONE indication that he was a "bad egg" or a cheater. Not ONE. This has *infuriated* me since 2005 because I keep going back in my mind, trying to figure out the signs of him being such a douchebag ... and figure out how I must have missed them. But the simple fact is: there was not much "bad" - as in "bad boy" - about him when we met 12-13 years ago. He was just a hard-working guy who liked me, adored my kids and would do anything in the world to make us happy.

Changing yourself to somehow re-attract a man that abandoned you twice? Who will you have to become to maintain his interest? Is it even possible? Tough questions....

Exactly. THIS is my struggle right now. Why change ME? What about ME is making him do this? What could I possibly do to make sure it doesn't happen again? And, even if he fell on his face eventually and begged for forgiveness and went to get help, will I EVER be able to trust him again? Can I trust my own judgment?

Please be very careful hanging out with a married man- that's how affairs begin.

Does it help that his W is hanging with us, too? But seriously, this point is very well taken. I know that I'm in a very vulnerable stage in my life and probably not making the best decisions.

I hope you don't take what I wrote as hurtful- that's not my intent.

I didn't at all, and I can't begin to thank you and Starsky enough for your honesty and your help and your time in helping me through this. Like NOP to Starsky/Puppy/Choc (lol), you both are godsends to me. You're helping me keep my head on straight at a time when it sometimes spins out of control. And I am grateful for you.

Because this has already gotten way out of control, length-wise, I'm going to "journal" in a separate entry to try to pull some of my thoughts together.

[Train]

Journaling. Comments are always welcomed and appreciated, though ...

I'm starting to realize just how much different this journey is today than what it was for me in 2005.

In 2005, I was weak and vulnerable and completely resistant to change of any kind. All I wanted was my M and my family. All I wanted was my H. I obsessed about it, even though most people - even here, on these boards - commented on how "strong" I was and how well I seemed to be doing.

I know there's nothing "static" about these situations. Things, events and feelings seem to change like the wind, from day to day and - sometimes - even moment to moment.

But the past few days, I've felt pretty much the same: I don't know if I want my H back.

I mentioned (buried) in a previous post that during H's visit with the kids on April 6, he asked specifically "what kind of sex" we had to abstain from; what I DIDN'T mention is that he said something to the effect of: "Well, we can't do anything anyway because the only reason you'd want to is to use it to get revenge on OW."

Something clicked in me after that. It was sort of a moment of clarity that even I didn't realize I was having at the time. My H is protecting HER, even though *I* am his WIFE. How jacked-up is it that he would FEEL that way, enough to actually say it - and say her NAME - to my face? I AM HIS WIFE!!!!!!!! And how jacked-up is it that I just sat there and didn't say anything in response ... but still let him lay on my couch and fall asleep, touching ME?

What kind of self-respect did I SHOW myself that night? No, I didn't sleep with him. And I could use all kinds of excuses and justifications to ML with my H. I mean, he IS my H. And, until recently, I felt intense love for him.

But, all a sudden, I don't anymore.

Right now, he almost disgusts me. I mean, I still get a twinge of SOMETHING - I'm guessing it's jealousy - when I think about him ML with OW. But when I think ahead and ponder him falling on his face and wanting to come back home (not that I'm suggesting that's necessarily going to happen, but when I even picture that), I see myself saying not only no but he!l no. I'm starting to envision a future ... and I don't see him in it.

I lost sleep two nights ago. I stayed up, tossing and turning, knowing that today is the last day I can make a mortgage payment on the house before a big late fee is tacked onto it. And I don't have the money in the account to make the mortgage payment. I've debated for two months whether I should stop paying mortgage here and just "squat," squirreling money away until the bank finally evicts the kids and me. I've spoken with L about it. He doesn't advise against it. But, to me, it's a huge move. Missing the first mortgage payment is the beginning of the end of home-ownership, and so many other things, for me. I don't know where I'll lead my family, or how much time I'll have to "lead" them there, once the bank gives me an eviction notice. This has been our home for 12 years. And just up-and-leaving is not going to be easy, for a number of reasons. Plus, I haven't found a rental house yet that's big enough for us and also costs less, monthly, than my current mortgage. (The mortgage is in H's name only. I'm only on the deed.) And the house is historic and is constantly needing work done, and that's something I can't do or afford to have done.

And I'm TICKED that H has left me in this situation, with the burden of having to make this monumental choice alone. I'm ticked that he's left me the head of a family of four children.

The same night that I was tossing and turning with this decision, I had a dream of H and OW. In it, he was watching a pornographic video of her ... and, strangely, another woman ... on his phone. I was on the sidelines, standing there, watching him in bed. And I still wanted to be with him. There's something fundamentally WRONG with ALL of that.

So yesterday - the day after the crummy night - I had a dip in my PMA. Plus, it was raining out. Yesterday wasn't the best day.

Last night, I went out with one of my dearest friends, and we talked and drank wine. H texted at about 8:45 to ask me to have D2 call him before she fell asleep. I sent back a very emotion-less text: "The kids are with mom and the girls. You can try one of them." And 10 minutes later, H - CLEARLY agitated - responded: "Are you keeping up with S7's school? Every time I ask him if he had school today, his reply is, 'we did a little bit,' or like tonight, 'no' ???????"

I did not respond until this morning, when I wrote: "Yes. S7 has school every weekday."

First, my son is a boy of VERY few words. He's not a talker. And he CERTAINLY doesn't want to spend his free time talking about school. Second, this text actually flew all over me - even though I didn't react in that way - because it INFURIATES me that H just up and left us and expects me to throw D2 in daycare and S7 in public school. H has always SEEMED very supportive of homeschooling because S7 is soooooo incredibly smart. But the night of BD, he said, "S7 needs to go to public school anyway." I would later learn why he's had a sudden change of heart: OW told him in a text that I found that he needs to "push the issue of public school" because "S7 is too close" to ME and H needs to "get him away from" me.

H has ALWAYS stayed out of my way when it comes to educating S7. And NOW he's concerned?!? Our son is above grade level in EVERY subject. And he's concerned, all of a sudden, that I'm not doing enough?

I also found it humorous that he would text his venom only 10 minutes after realizing that I was out, GAL, and not telling him what I was doing or who I was with. I could be wrong, but his responses at such times indicate that he has a problem with ME being away from the kids 2-3 nights a week. But it's okay, I guess, for HIM to leave them ...

Is it possible for me to just stop caring this quickly? Is it possible that my feelings for him are already waning?

Last night, S7 told me that "sometime in March," his dad took him into the grocery store and a lady there offered him "free M&Ms." He said, "I think it was OW, but I didn't know at the time."

How did I react? Not with jealousy. Not even with overwhelming anger. I just very calmly told S7 that I'd make sure, legally, his dad wouldn't be able to have him around OW again for a long while.

The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realize that I don't think H is a "quality person" anymore. But how did I come to that conclusion in one short week? I mean, I'd love to keep my FAMILY together. I'd love to not have to worry about where we are going to live and how I'm going to pull off a job when, frankly, the money I'd make would go straight to daycare for D2. I'd love to not have to worry about how D is going to impact my children. My H is actually exactly right: It'd simply be *convenient* to live together again.

But that's not my reality.

I don't know if I'm fooling myself or if my mind is just "protecting" me. I don't know if I've finally just had enough. I don't know if this is just a fleeting feeling and maybe a stage that a LBS goes through. But the fact is, I don't want my H right now. I wouldn't want him even if I could have him. And if I'm feeling this way right now, I have to ask myself if I have it in me to fight - over years - for our M and our family. For today, at least, I just don't think he's worth fighting for.

[Train]

Starsky and HS, just in case you missed it, I posted TWO lengthy entries above; the first one contains answers/discussion on the points you two made last night. I just didn't want you missing the first post, thinking I had glossed over your excellent points last night.

[Starsky309]

Swamped today at both work and with stuff with my in-laws', Train, but I'll try to read your posts later today and get back to you.

Starsky

[Train]

Take your time, Starsky!

[Train]

Ahhhh ... woke up this morning, checked my bank account and H has cut his financial "contribution" by nearly half.

Kind of expected it to happen at some point.

Just sent a very calm text, asking him to update me on what's going on. But on the inside, I'm freaking out. Also sent L an e-mail, alerting him. L and I both will be out of town next week, so I won't be able to do anything until the following week.

This takes nerves of steel, doesn't it?

[Starsky309]

Had you two discussed this previously? Why were you expecting it?

Yes, let the lawyer advise you on this. What an ass your H is!!!

[Train]

No, we had not discussed it. I expected it because I always expect my H to be an a$shole.

He just responded to the text, telling me he had tried to send a text Monday to give me the heads up. I never received the text, but he forwarded what he said he sent.

He essentially unilaterally decided what he thinks he should be paying in support. He said he talked to a lot of people who disagreed with what L thinks I should get. So he decided to cut his support essentially in half until the courts decide the amount of support.

L and I will meet week after next.

Meanwhile, H sends a text, saying, "Remember I get the kids today" and then asked, "You clowns headed to the beach tomorrow?" When I replied, "yes," he said, "Lucky you."

Yeah. I'm sooooo lucky ...

I guess this gives him a feeling of "power." His financial support was his ace in the hole.

[Train]

This, in other words, is how my H responds to "boundaries."

[Starsky309]

Is this spousal support, or child support?

Most states use a basic formula (yours and his income, # of overnights kid(s) are with each parent) that is varied from VERY little, and many have online calculators. What types of expenses is this supposed to cover?