Only YOU can decide if it's worth trying. But I don't think you're near "done" yet.
Being all over the map is okay. And expected. That's why you're here.
TRY to get some rest tonight. Don't engage with him anymore. Post here first. And then, wait for folks to chime in to work on your PLAN before you make ANY moves. That's what we're all here for.
I'll be checking back tomorrow, when I am SURE at least Starsky - who I believe to be a guru at this - will have already responded. He said the other day:
Quote:
My advice would change entirely based on whether or not he's in contact with OW, and being fully transparent with you and at least WILLING to work on this (even if not yet fully FEELING like it). That's why I'm so big on intel and good transparency plans, because it changes my strategy and tactics almost ENTIRELY.
We know your H likely isn't being "fully transparent" now.
Just try to rest assured, knowing you're in awfully good hands here. Sending you positive thoughts. And I'll be back here, checking in, very soon. Hang tight!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Still up and rambling... I can't help but think I must be really rattling him and making him confront how incredibly cruddy he has been. One of the items I questioned him on (and he denied) would start the affair one full month prior to what he originally told me. AND it would mean it started just a couple of days after our anniversary. We had a really nice anniversary this year. And as I mentioned on Valentine's day there was a gas charge that shows he obviously drove down to where she lives, we had a nice Valentine's evening together (which I had planned). I feel like this all might be kind of blowing his cover story that I am such the evil one when he did this literally on or right after some really nice times between us.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Ugh. Girl. Don't get me started! My 10th anniversary was Valentine's. Nice, expensive dinner. A sweet dance in the dining room. Extravagant gifts. And then he acted like he went to sleep ... and texted OW alllllll night.
They are NOT the men we married right now. Yes, there are crummy qualities about them that we've overlooked in time. We alllll have crummy qualities.
But the special times don't mean CRAP to them right now. They're "in love" with someone else. Keep that in mind, as much as it hurts. That's what you're up against right now. Which is why you HAVE to approach this with a plan and not your emotions.
I'm so sorry I don't feel comfortable helping you formulate said plan. I am not at a place where I can give that to you. BUT, you don't need the plan TONIGHT anyway.
As long as you need support through the gut-wrenching moments, though, I'm your girl!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I am so sorry that he cannot be honest with you. Hopefully eventually he will wise up, and learn you cannot move forward until he is honest. I think the therapist will tell him that he has to be honest, and completely dump the OW for it to work.
Sometimes I wonder why they are such bad liars. Do they want to be caught? Is it the excitement of the A where they cannot think well enough to lie?
My H is a very bad liar, but now he is starting to believe his lies - dumb huh? He is in MLC so it is a little different than your situation, and we are no where near reconciliation.
Get some rest! Hopefully they will help you with your plan tomorrow.
Sleeping pill and still only got 4 hours of sleep last night. Well, at least we have MC apt today, that will certainly be telling.
It just dawned on me that his dishonestly is likely more a reflection of protecting her and an ongoing relationship than his trying to protect me or his own pride. I still have no idea how I can confirm a relationship at this point. Or maybe I should just go ahead and assume that and act accordingly, given all this behaviors. Not at all sure what I want to do, so much to think about. UGH!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I also just found a love song he's been playing obviously all about her. How he loves her, wants her back, and keeps chasing after her, etc. I actually wonder if he's been trying to reconcile with HER and she is not having it. He has (very stupidly) said a few times when I question him going back with her 'well that presumes she would want me back'. Maybe she's DBing better than me and playing hard to get!!!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
IF he's still involved with OW, chances are the MC won't help, at best, and will do more harm than good, at worst. I've been reading up on that, and many people agree with that.
Don't waste your time mind-reading. You have NO idea what your H is thinking or who he thinks he's protecting. Or even if he's thinking beyond the nose on his face.
Also, try not to "assume" anything. And certainly don't ACT on assumptions. I'd think that can do a lot more harm than good.
I'm sorry you didn't sleep well.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I know this probably sounds a bit out there but I was thinking to print off the lyrics from the love song that H has been listening to and handing it to the MC when I get there. It so clearly shows how much he is pining for her, wanting to get back with her and apparently chasing after her. Literally all those statements are in the song. I guess I just want to get the MCs head straight that H is NOT in this like he has been stating in prior sessions. MC is so optomistic and positive, he needs to understand the REALITY of where we are at if any discussion will be even remotely useful. And I'm not even saying to repair the M at this point, just to get all the cards fairly on the table so I can make a decision about next steps. I'm sure that's probably a pipe dream given how completely GONE H is.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
He has (very stupidly) said a few times when I question him going back with her 'well that presumes she would want me back'. Maybe she's DBing better than me and playing hard to get!!!
... or MAYBE she has decided it's not her best option to pursue a married man. The thing is: IF she broke things off with your H ... or IF he broke things off with her ... you're sitting a lot prettier than many people here.
Many Ms survive infidelity, and, from what I've read, the chances of success are higher when the A ends abruptly. Still, your H WILL be going through a period of sadness, mourning and withdrawal from OW. She is an *addiction*.
I seriously had a dream last night that I was here, on the boards, and that Starsky had replied to my post (lol - imagine that: Starsky is now in my freaking dreams ). Anyway, his advice (in said dream) was profound: When your H is in a tunnel - and you feel there's no light at the end of the tunnel - remember: It's your job to BECOME the light.
You do that by working on you and becoming the better option. You won't "become the light" by being critical, grumpy, or indecisive. You are confidant, strong, poised ... ALL the time.
Pretty stinkin' profound, eh? Good words, errr, Starsky.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Went horrible. Although I think I handled it pretty well. He was very, very defensive questioning me on specifics. I kept my cool and basically said 'well I have the facts all right here, lets go through line by line.' He admitted only 1 additional meeting with her but it really doesn't add up at all that he would go to the EXACT same town in another state twice but only actually meet her there ONCE. Also, he is claiming he ate ALONE at TGIF's and spent $50. I just don't buy it. There were also several charges, again in the state she lives which he could not explain. There were additional charges that I wanted to ask about but I just stopped, he was so obviously not at all using this as a chance to come clean and make amends. I really don't know WTH to do next. Now he's PISSED and stomping around, obviously another very bad sign. If someone is out there please advise. I am tempted to lose it and kick him out! I can't believe the direction this is going and have no clue HTH I will sleep tonite I just so hate how he claimed he wants to work on it when he so obviously does NOT!!!
mdu,
I'm sorry it certainly seems like your husband is still not being honest and transparent with you. Only you can decide what you now are prepared to DO about that. You certainly do NOT owe him any explanations of your plans (or even us, for that matter -- altho we're certainly here to try to help support you no matter what you decide).
In the meantime, you have GOT to keep your cool around him, and simply tell him "Well, it looks like we both have some important decisions to make then."
All of this drama is not healthy for you, and it only is going to push him further away. You at all times want to appear as THE most sensible person in the room (or on the phone) when you're dealing with him.
