Ugh, and if he's still doing this I just so don't get it! Why not just end it with me? It's so insane, really! I imagine because he wants to be with the kids and doesn't want to hurt them is a large part but obviously this is not sustainable, someone is going to make him choose eventually. So just man up already! I must also add that when I read here (and not saying this is a BAD thing per se) I get more and more paranoid that he is in contact with her. I worry about that too, that my own sensors are wonky and I am unable to read the situation right in front of me and decide things on my own.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
ALL of us have asked: Why wouldn't s/he just leave me first??
We represent stability, comfort, familiarity ... "home." A cheating spouse doesn't necessarily want to leave all that behind. They can also be thinking about the ramifications of leaving: a changing relationship with their children, the cost of divorce, etc.
The affair is intoxicating. It's about how it makes them feel about themselves. It's hard to break that off, to be sure.
Here's the way I look at this forum: When our "sensors are wonky," which they are obviously going to be during a time like this, we have people here who have sensors that are NOT wonky. We need to trust that they've been through this and have our best interests at heart. Many of the vets are here to "give back" since they navigated their way - with help of their own - through these stormy waters. Some have Ms that lasted. Others walked away from their Ms but came out, stronger and more content than ever, on the other side.
You don't have to heed every ounce of advice you get. And, again, much of the advice is going to sound counter-intuitive, and it will challenge you to step way outside your comfort zone.
But know they/we are able to see things you might not be able to see. We aren't in your M, so we aren't clouded by emotions.
Think about that. And strongly consider the awesome advice you are - and will be - receiving here.
Just my random thoughts ...
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
On a separate but related note, how exactly does one become stronger to handle this sh!t? I feel so weak and like I don't want to deal. I don't know how to make myself buck up already!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
THIS is why you "GAL," mdu. That's exactly why. You HAVE to take care of you while you're going through this. Take walks. Go have wine with a friend. Vent here.
You become stronger with time. And some effort. But mostly time.
We're here to help!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
So I took one small step towards insisting on more transparency. I asked H for credit card login and password info. So silly, it's a joint card so obviously I should have access to this regardless!!! But he always managed it and I always 100% trusted. I'm afraid to look and see what I find but at least he responded immediately. And actually it's the same as another account so not even a HUGE secret. I think if I take this in baby steps maybe I will get stronger and will be able to bite off the tougher intel options.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Looking at the credit card is good news and bad news. Good news is that I don't see any charges that might imply that they have gotten together since he says they split. Obviously, he may have another CC and I would never know. Also, she may be paying for things. So clearly this is not foolproof.
The bad news is it looks like they met up more frequently than he told me. She is 2 hours away and I see charges a few times for a location that is between where we live and she lives that he did not mention. He had previously told me that they met like that only once. Looks like 4-5 times. What should I do with this info? Personally, I am thinking to confront him, something like:
"I see that you two met up in XX location several times, you originally said only once. Each time you lie you continue to break trust. Without complete truth we cannot progress in trying to really fix things and give our marriage a real shot. I must assume that you really do not want work on things and give us the best chance possible. This is not acceptable to me. I potentially will reconsider continuing to working on things when you are ready to show me you will come completely clean and can be completely honest."
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Personally, I am thinking to confront him, something like:
"I see that you two met up in XX location several times, you originally said only once. Each time you lie you continue to break trust. Without complete truth we cannot progress in trying to really fix things and give our marriage a real shot. I must assume that you really do not want work on things and give us the best chance possible. This is not acceptable to me. I potentially will reconsider continuing to working on things when you are ready to show me you will come completely clean and can be completely honest." Help me understand what I may be missing?
In other words, don't assume anything -- give him a chance to explain. If his explanation is half-baked, then you can deliver the speech you outlined. And even if it's FULLY baked, you might want to say "OK, good -- thank you for being honest with me. Because each time . . . . . (and then say the rest of it anyway, just so he's clear).
That's what I would do. But I'm pretty cynical, and might be the high test score here. I'm the kind of guy who would take advantage of, oh, say Target's "free credit tracking" offer that was part of their follow-up on their hacking of their customers' private info, and I might just run a credit report on my spouse, and see if any other secret cc's show up.
But that's just me, and it's ONLY hypothetical, since that would be illegal.
