W said its over - Said I can't change her mind

[sandi2]

You do realize that texting is considered contact, right?

I feel like I know the textbook of a WAW front and back!

No, I don't think you do. You know absolutely nothing about a WAW......or else you are the most self-defeating person I've read about.

Listen, if you really knew about a WAW, you would know all this begging & pleading, and showing her how needy you are....is the last thing on earth you should be doing! It turns her off more than you can imagine. You are pushing her away as fast as you can.

I have seen you talk about making changes, but you've not specified what those are. What exactly are your 180's? What are your personal goals you are working toward? Do you have a plan of action in place? B/c this is what you need to focus on....instead of all your questions over why your W can't give you another chance.

You really have not told us much about yourself, it has all been you venting over your W and asking why has she done this. Which, it's fine to vent, but you have to realize you aren't getting anywhere the way you are approaching it. You cannot do one blessed thing to control what she does. She said you can't change her mind......so why do you keep trying to talk her into changing it? Talk does not work on a WAW.

Leave her alone. Stop texting her. Stop with the pleading. Stand tall and show some confidence. I know you are devastated, but don't act like a whipped pup. That is the beginning of what to do. Will you be able to stop the D in time? Maybe not, due to the speed she is pushing it, but you can't force someone to love you. Plain and simple. And why do you want someone who doesn't want to be with you?

If the D goes through and later, if you still want her,....and she starts seeing the man she fell in love with.....you may get together again. You wouldn't be the first couple to get remarried.

Did you complete reading Divorce Remedy?

[Duds3]

Journal entry

Well when life hits you between the eyes, it hits you hard. On Friday I was fired from my job. Needless to say this came as a complete surprise to me and was caught completely off guard. Feels like I got the bomb dropped on me again. So basically I have 4 months to find another job before I am unemployed.

And then I get his with this text message from my W whom I have been NC with for over a month.

W - "I heard about your job...Don't really know whats going on but I pray you find a job that appreciates you. You are a good coach and in my opinion they messed up. Best of luck."

I have not responded. When I received the message I didn't know whether to cry, scream and yell, throw my phone or contact her back. The harsh reality of her telling me best of luck hit me hard. But as my DB coach, Denise, told me, maybe there is some positives from the message. Those are hard for me to see. Maybe she still does care or at least have some feelings somewhere. Denise told me to understand it was probably hard for her to send that message, but I as I told her, I am not sure about that. I hope there is some positives to it but I am not having any expectations.

My question to the board is this, do I reply? How do I reply? Its our niece birthday tomorrow as well.

I was doing much better with my detachment until she text me, now it seems like I am at a crossroads again.

[Puffy]

I'd say reply "thanks". Leave it at that. You tend to revert back to begging and pleading rather quickly. You may even let your response go for 3-4 days. Perhaps even "sometimes change is for the better, I'll be fine". You must BE, as well as appear, STRONG.

accept the fact that you very well may be getting D. Be thankful no kids. Better yourself, and have fun with life, meet new people. You don't want to be with a S that doesn't want you.

all my .02 - Denise is my DB Coach also. Listen to her.

Good luck!

[Duds3]

Thanks for the reply sandi and Puffy. A big goal of mine is to re-establish my social life. I have been reconnecting with friends and so far so good. Whatever I can do to GAL and get back to my old self I will do.

A big personal goal of mine is to find my way back to coaching college basketball. Now that I have been fired from my job it has been the thing I have been working on since last Friday.

A small goal of mine as discussed by Denise and I, go a day without checking her social media. She has of course blocked me from all her social media outlets, but still follows everyone in my family. I'm working like crazy to resist the urge to check her Twitter. We always did funny things on Twitter to remind each other of our love for one another. I will make it a day!

GAL is going strong as my workout routine is closer to the normal it was before the bomb. Running a half marathon at the end of month. It will be my second one, I cant wait.

I did not text my W back in regards to her last message about my job. As I said I have been NC with her for over a month now.

An interesting event occurred last night. I went out with a friend of mine to have a few drinks and watch the Thunder-Clippers game. As we walk into the bar, my W and three of her friends are sitting by the door. This is the first time I have seen her in person in almost two months. When we walk in, I simply say, "What's going on guys?" Her girlfriend who she was with started talking to my friend and I stood and listened until they finished. We then went to the bar and ordered a drink for ourselves and started talking to a few other people we knew there. I was later told by my friend as I was ordering my drink, my W got up and left the bar shortly to be followed by her friends. My friend and I finished our two drinks and left about an hour and half later.

On my drive home I was thinking all sorts of thoughts but mainly, I am not going to stop living my life and having a good time. I acted as if and my old normal self when I was at the bar in front of her. I almost felt sorry for her in some ways abruptly leaving but then remembered she choose this not me. I cant worry about her feelings or actions, I have to take care of myself. I was shocked to hear she left so fast. All seams a little crazy to me but that's not for me to worry about.

I truly want her to be happy and find whatever makes her happy. But I am not going to allow myself to stop living my life. I'm not going to not do things because I see she is at the same place I am.

[Duds3]

Had a great weekend, enjoying a Cubs game in St. Louis. Too bad my Cubs lost. Hopefully we are turning the corner.

On Saturday night went out with some friends and felt like I was a divorce busting coach. Unfortunately some friends have been going thru some terrible relationship situations. One couple is separated, one could potentially be on the verge and one is divorced. I had no idea about any of these. it felt good to try and help other people with some of their issues and relay some advice I have received on the boards from y'all.

In the meantime I'm on the hunt for a new job. I'm even thinking about changing career fields. Have to keep both my eyes and ears open.

Rage on!

[Duds3]

Been a while since I have posted to the boards. I have been reading situations daily. Unfortunately the final papers were received yesterday in the mail. As of April 28, I am officially divorced. (censored)

I have a had a great month on the GAL front. Completed a half marathon, been to a baseball game, and hung out with plenty of friends. Very appreciative for all these opportunities.

Had another sighting of my XW and her friends. Funny thing her friends, who were once our friends, have tried to make attempts to make amends meet with my good friend, who was once my XW's best friend. I feel for my friend who also lost her best friend thru this whole ordeal. My XW accused her of trying to help me figure out what was wrong in our M and not helping her. Another confusing moment of the story.

I was also recently told by a friend her best friend told her husband that it is sad to see my XW go crazy and lose her mind. I could have gone without hearing that comment. One would think it would make you feel better, but it didn't help the situation one bit.

I have met an older lady at the gym who has been helping me deal with my sitch. She has been thru craziness of her own and many deep levels. She was a WAS after 23 years of M. In the short time I have known her she has been a lifesaver of sorts. Truly a blessing I met her.

Still ride the rollercoaster of emotions sometimes but hopefully those will subside at some point.

With summer around the corner, cheers to everyone.

[Duds3]

A happy mothers day to all the moms on the boards, I hope you all had a great day.

My family and I had a great time celebrating with my own mother. GAL is too fun when we all get together. Summer is approaching and I cant wait!

Had two interesting developments over the weekend. One my XW intiated a conversation with my sister on Snapchat. Previously my sister had deleted her request on two different occasions. My sister and her always had a great relationship until everything went south. It confuses me as to why she is trying to re-establish a relationship with her? And as my sister stated, "How does she think this is normal/ok?" I told my sister to handle the sitch however she deems necessary.

Second development, my XW basically told on herself to her best friend who she no longer has a relationship with. She made the comment, "I have not told anyone not to be your friend, but they have made that decision based off what you have posted online." There have been 2 photos of me and her (XW's old best friend) posted online. She has her own boyfriend, and its not me obviously, but it is clearly obvious the XW is tracking what is going on in both of our lives still. her friends are her source of information. It seems that the XW is not as attached as she portrays or leads on. And yes this is mindreading more the less but just curious developments.

I have made great strides in my levels of detachment. Hardest part is hearing stories like the ones above or going out in the community and people always asking about the sitch. Some of the stories I have been told by other people blow my mind. I am not sure the XW has told the same story twice, if at all. But I for one have for sure been made out to be the bad guy. That's not fun at all for no one, to me its not about who is right or wrong, its about a solution to a problem.

Any vets out there care to comment on the developments?

Happy Monday to all!

[Nettles]

That is one quick divorce! I guess it was a matter of dividing assets.

I'm no vet, dud, and I don't get this comment:

"I was also recently told by a friend her best friend told her husband that it is sad to see my XW go crazy and lose her mind. I could have gone without hearing that comment. One would think it would make you feel better, but it didn't help the situation one bit."

Who would feel better from this comment? You?

[Duds3]

Nettles I'm not sure how much of my sitch you have read but my XW went from wanting to have kids (we were actively trying) and buying a house to about 25 days later filing for D. You explain that one?!?!?! LOL

My comment above about her friend saying she has gone crazy, was me saying I didn't really need to be told that was said. Some people would think it would justify in my mind that this is really about her finding what she wants and not what I did or didn't do. It made me more sad than anything when I was told what her best friend said. I know my XW is going thru things too but its not fun to see anyone or hear of anyone losing their mind. I have no desire for that to happen to me, my XW or anyone else on these boards.

[Duds3]

All business interactions with the XW recently, regarding lease and utility bills. With my job sitch in flux, my landlord has allowed me to stay in my place until a new job arises, very nice of him. XW sent a text asking when I was moving out so she could have the power and water shut off. After informing her I wasn't moving anytime soon, she replies with "ok, cool, just let me know when or if things change." About a week later she sends me a text asking me to change all the bills to my name and make sure I pay all the bills to the current charges, thanks for the reminder

The wording of her text is of the telling me what to do nature. Umm sorry honey you no longer have that power! The matters were taken care of on my time, not yours!

her behavior of thinking Im going to screw her over is mind boggling. I guess this whole thing is, LOL!

You have never been screwed over before from me, nor will you now. Ill take the high road.

School is out in an hour and half. GAL in effect. Workout, clean the house, help landscape a friends yard tomorrow and a weekend trip to Nashville on the docket!

And go Cubs!