Don't respond to the family and OM statements. She has a "very limited and strict friendship with OM"? What type of friend is that? It is called an affair. And b/c of this, she, you, and the kids will not be able to "always be family". Divorce tends to do that. Man, she really is in la-la land.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I didn't respond and I've basically ignored her this weekend. I don't feel like being friends with her right now. She'll have to show me actions, not use words to show me that their friendship is over. She'll be out of town next week visiting her mom, so I don't expect any communication with me anytime soon. Trying to stay strong, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt talking to her.
Just realized that today is the 1 year anniversary of my W sending me an email after 1st BD saying she wanted us to work. That we were family and needed to make it work. That nobody understands and accepts her (faults included) like me and the kids.
She outlined several things that she wanted to be different (weekly dates, no passive moods, more family time, etc) but looking back at it, there were more serious actions we should have taken. We didn't fully address how/why we got to that point and what it would take to change things. If only I knew then what I know now....
Might get 2x4'd for this, but got into a R talk tonight. A friend of mine called earlier to tell me he saw W, some friends and OM out Saturday night. Which meant that W left the kids at her girlfriends house while they went out. I called her and confronted her saying I didn't want her leaving our kids alone at night someplace other than our house. W tried to explain that she was only gone for an hour, left the kids with her friend's H after they went to bed and that her and her girlfriends met the group out at the bar.
It wasn't as much as the OM being there as much as it was that she left the kids after claiming she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible this weekend. That turned into how much pain she's going through and how she's trying to figure things out. I called her out on a lot of it since her actions don't match her words. She asked why I couldn't be friends with her right now and I reiterated what I told her last weekend- that as long as she was in contact with OM, I could not subject myself to the emotional toll it would take on me. It wasn't about me hating her or punishing her. I can be amicable when discussing the kids, but no more. I don't see us having any positive interactions while OM is in the picture. I could tell she was crying and I *think* losing my friendship may be the 'it' that Sandi talks about the WAW realizing they're losing. Both times this past week when she's actually showed emotion and cried, it's because I've stood my ground on not being friends going forward. I also told her we would never be 'family' again should things end. She didn't understand why not.
I get caught up in R talk because she shuts down when we have these interactions. Need to stay mindful of that because I end up doing more talking than she does. I've probably been more honest and brutal to W lately, but standing up for myself is actually a 180. Whether or not it jeopardizes my DBing, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm done taking her crap and am willing to accept the consequences of standing up for myself. I think my tone tonight made it a little more clear that I wasn't just waiting for her to come back.
W leaves tomorrow to visit with her mom for the week and said she was going to use that time to talk to her and hope to get some clarity on things. Guess we'll see what happens when she gets back.
W just text and asked if she could stay at the house tomorrow night and go to church with kids and I. Thoughts? If she's still involved with OM, which I'm sure to some degree she is, I don't want to play family and allow her to cake eat.
I've stood my ground on not being friends going forward. I also told her we would never be 'family' again should things end. She didn't understand why not.
How did you answer her?
Personally, I think you are making the necessary steps to reclaim your rightful position as head of your home.
Quote:
W just text and asked if she could stay at the house tomorrow night and go to church with kids and I. Thoughts? If she's still involved with OM, which I'm sure to some degree she is, I don't want to play family and allow her to cake eat.
Haven"t you told her you didn't want her staying over as long as she was involved with him? Couldn't she just meet up with the kids at church Easter morning? Why spend the night and "play family"?
Have you made specific plans with the kids on Sunday?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I answered the text saying that my stance has not changed- I will not play family as long as OM is in the picture. She didn't respond and according to S14, she's planning on coming over tomorrow morning and going to church. I've already made seating plans with a friend as I'm not going to sit with her. I'm sure she's surprised that I haven't crumbled and welcomed her back home.
I feel good about my stance and holding my ground, but I do miss her. It's hard being a single parent but I enjoy spending time with the kids. Painted Easter eggs earlier and made sure to post pics on facebook!
