Once this whole thing started he told me that he has tried for 10 years and was done and was putting up his wall. Initially I was able to get thru that wall. But then he said no sex as it feels weird, no sleeping in the same room. Then he would fake sleep walk to get sex, which I gave into until I figured out he was having a PA. He used to invite me to sleep in the spare room with him occassionally, but has not since we had a physical alteracation. He blames me for the fight and I blame him. He pushed me away at that point and said no physical contact.
I felt so bad for him when he started to go downhill last summer. He did not want to talk to me about it, just pushed me away, but I kept trying. I suggested anti-depressents and counselor. He did not want drugs as does not like anything foreign in his body and he went to counseling when I child and thinks that it is stupid.
I still feel bad for him as I see the pain in his face, but he wants nothing to do with me. It is like once he said he wanted a divorce that was it and I was out the window and OW was in.
My illness is in remission right now. I was unable to intake food for so long and was being fed by tubes and that is when the inflammation went away. Now I have started eating and have to be careful until I figure out what problem foods are.
I wish I had known that he had felt rejected. He did not communicate it to me. He said he didn't because he felt that I could do nothing about the illness, then it just got to be too much for him. He felt guilty talking to me about it, so he never did.
So do you think I should try to be the loving understanding person again? That is my norm, but he kept pushing me away, so I thought opposite might work. It seems like nothing is working because he is so into OW and that he wants a divorce that he cannot see past it. Help???? What do you suggest Mr. Bond? I am a super idiot at all this relationship stuff. I have read where I have gone wrong, but he has said I have my wall and I am not letting you in, I have been unable to put a crack in his wall. HELP???????????? I love my husband, even though he is different then what I know. I don't want my kids to be part of a broken family. Suggestions??????
"I wish I had known that he had felt rejected. He did not communicate it to me. He said he didn't because he felt that I could do nothing about the illness, then it just got to be too much for him. He felt guilty talking to me about it, so he never did."
This is the heart of the problem. He still can't talk to you about it because he is afraid to seem like the "bad guy". So he deals with it by running away. Not mature, but it's how he feels right now.
What have you done to improve those issues he had a problem with?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, you have hit on something I have been wondering about in my own sitch. I wonder if you could help me out with that. I don't want to hijack her post but it has the same issues.
How exactly do we improve some of these issues when the improvement would go against DBing? For instance, lack of intimacy or lack of communication.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Feel free to hijack my post! 5 months ago when he opened up I talked to him and then upped the intimacy - it lasted for 2 weeks then he told me no more. Then he stayed away for a few weeks and then he was receptive for about a month (I found that month OW went back to boyfriend.) I can talk to him about day to day things, but when I try to communicate about anything deeper I get monster. I continue to try and hug him and give the occasional kiss, or try to hold hands. I get pushed away. The only intimacy that has happened in last few months is when he is fake sleepwalking. Although, the last month I have not allowed that because I know his relationship with OW has turned to PA. I don't try everyday to give a hug or hold hands as I know that can be frustrating to a MLC. It is so hard because I know that he wants affection, it just seems like he does not want it from me because I am the enemy and at fault for everything. H was abandoned by mom at 7 years and then dad abanoned him with other wifes as he let them treat him lik sh...
Mr. Bond what do I do? It seems like everything I have done is wrong. It is hard to get someone close when the are also MLCing. HELP?????????????? Anyone HELP?????????????
You've answered your own question. You didn't abandon your h. He suffers from abandonment as a child. That's his deal. You CANNOT fix him. Reread Job's advice.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You have not failed. This isn't about you at all. What do you do? You live your life to the fullest and treat him like you would a friend. When he wants to talk, listen to what he has to say and validate him whenever you can. But, please understand...YOU CAN'T FIX HIM. He has to do that himself.
The more you try to fix your situation, the deeper the hole is going to be. The best thing to do is just be yourself and allow him time to figure things out for himself. Fixing him is on him to do. If you have some things that you don't like about yourself, work on them...but whatever changes you make, you make for you...not to win him back. When he begins to sense that you are moving forward and you become more independent, he will come sniffing around once again to see if your changes are real or if they aren't. Right now, you are trying to pretzel yourself and you shouldn't be doing that. Just leave the man alone and when he wants to talk...listen.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It makes sense. I am just scared to death. My natural self is very nice, probably like doormat and very affectionate. It hurts when you want to give someone a simple hug, and you can't. It is hard for me to get in friend zone since that is where ow started. I have a fear is it mlc or is he so infatuatedly with ow he is changing himself to be like her.
So I should be his friend and not attempt the his, kisses, or holding hands? Please understand I am dense on approach to take.
If you have already tried to hold hands or kiss him and he's shunned you, then the message from him is that he doesn't want you to do that. Respect his wishes and not attempt it again. You need to learn to follow his lead, observe and listen.
Right now, it appears that he's infatuated w/the ow and his focus will be on her and doing what will please and impress her. Please understand that you have absolutely no control over what he does or doesn't do when it comes to that relationship and his crisis. Well, I hate to say this...but they all change to some degree when they are in crisis. They generally revert back to the age that they were emotionally stunted and some act like teenagers and others like 2 and 5 yr olds. It's all part of the crisis. They are like onions and they have to peel the layers back to get to the core of their issues and yes, there will come a time when they will wear masks to hide how they are really doing. Sometimes he'll wear the mask of happiness and when he's around you, it could be the mask of unhappiness, etc. But that will come as he moves along.
Yes, I realize it hurts when you can't kiss or touch your spouse, but if he's indicated that he doesn't want you to do that, then don't do it. Learn to respect his wishes. Learn to observe, listen and follow his lead. If he wants to hold hands, he'll need to be the one to initiate.
All relationships start out as friends and that's where you will need to begin again when he's open to that kind of relationship. Right now, he's a roommate who doesn't want any type of emotional ties to you and the family. He doesn't want any responsibility and he wants to be able to come and go w/out being accountable for his actions. However, the consequences of his actions will eventually come back to haunt him...but not for a while.
If you have some time, please go to the MLC Archives and do some reading. There are many good threads there, as well as on the current forum. You aren't alone on the path and there are many who walking right beside you. Dig deep for patience, as you will need tons of it as you walk the path. Learn to sit quietly and the answers will come. Come here to ask questions, vent or just to chat. Do not share any information that you receive here w/him. This is your safe haven.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
