Oh, I see what you are saying. So, I guess he did not use the word babysit. It is tricky-- it has been nearly six months and she has not yet stayed with him overnight at his apartment (he was subletting but has has his own place for about six weeks. So, he spends time with her at my home, and our agreed upon schedule is that I will come home at 8:30.
So.... technically it is "my" time according to our schedule. This is all so tricky. I should just hire a babysitter...
Yes I've read parts of DR. And I've spoken with a coach. I think I'm generally doing what I'm supposed to (I.e. not much with regards to my H, but lots in regards to ME...), but he is so g-d nice about it all, it's frustrating. He is trying to assuage his guilt or make it so that the damage is minimized. You know what would minimize the damage?? Committing to working on our relationship!
And even though I am being confident, strong, detached, and he still seems sad and tells me he doesn't feel well half the time, he is still moving forward with separation-- talking about me buying him out of the house, and other future plans for our D (preschool, vacation), without me.
I know some may not get this. However, you don't babysit your own child. It's your job. And if a parent actually refers to it that way, that's a bigger issue.
Be pleasant. However, your h is trying to lull you into "isn't this great?" Don't take the bait. Focus on you and your child.
This ^^^
WAS standard operating behavior. Do not trust him with any financial decisions. At all. They like to feather their nests while they can before dropping the final bomb. I'm glad you have a separation in the works. Finish that up, pronto. Protect yourself and child first.
Actually you should read all of DR rather than parts here and there. It seems like you've concentrated so much on your H that you haven't written out what your goals and actions are to change your interactions with him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond, I see your point. I have spoken with a coach who told me to skip right to the LRT. I also read the first chapter. I have stated some goals with my coach and some action steps, as well as what a small success would look like. I am also in IC and addressing my mental health issues completely. But I will read the whole book and do the exercises.
Our interactions actually have changed quite a bit. Since I've let go of my anger and detached things are better between us. He has noticed changes in me but still doesn't seem to think there is a future for us (I don't actually know what he is thinking because there has been no R talk for a couple months.)
I wonder now (though I'm trying not to obsess) if he just thinks this will all be la la la like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin-- "we tried everything and couldn't make it work but we still love each other and are great friends blah blah blah". I do NOT feel that way. If he is incapable of making the changes he needs to make for our M, that is his choice or weakness, but if we get D, it will not be because *I* failed to make the changes I need to make. And i want him to know that. I will be the woman only a fool would walk away from...
My h actually used that reference the " consciously uncoupling" on social media. It's a lie and well , at this point honesty is just a word in the dictionary to my h. However, don't worry about what your h thinks. I know it's painful, however as difficult as this is , it's imperative to keep a sense of humor.
Don't worry that he seems happy. Take care of your and your child. Focus on what makes you happy.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I had a thought last night. .. I am doing all this work on myself, making positive changes, but I don't see him doing the same.
Ex: last night I asked him about parent schedule for upcoming holiday-- we still share the car so it gets tricky. He got all bent out of shape, lecturing me--"well how were you planning to do that? I can't even see how you would do that?" Kind of aggressively, and definitely not in a problem-solving, calm way. I know now that he has his own anxieties (I could never really see that before because I was always consumed with my own fears), but I guess what I'm trying to figure out now is... do I even want to be with this man anymore? He does not seem very capable of self-reflection or growth, definitely lacks empathy. I'm not really sure if he is capable of change.
So, do I just wash my hands of it, grieve for the loss of the marriage, family, friends, vision of the future and move on? How do I set a goal of "reconciling" if I am not interested in reconciling unless he changes? I can't control what he does, and I don't want to be with him unless he can address his side of it.
He complained that I pulled away-- didn't make him feel loved. He is right. But he is still exhibiting the behaviors that caused me to pull away.
Good thing I am talking to coach this week. Looks like I need it!
You can't make your h work on himself. That's his decision. The reality is that some people are unwilling to be honest about their flaws and put in the effort to make changes. That's why DBing is for you. You can only control your behavior and actions.
Perhaps some will disagree, however your h said you pulled away. Maybe you did. However, it could be projection as he has done the same thing. Again, make changes for you. Maybe he sees them and maybe he doesn't. No one action is going to turn this around. Focus on being happy with it without him. Maybe you decide of he is unwilling to work on himself that you don't want to rebuild your R. That's okay too.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
