Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

Been reading for months and keep hesitating on posting. So much has gone on since my journey started Sept 14 that it feels as though I couldn't possibly be detailed enough to catch everyone up and get the input that I am searching for; but yet I feel led to post this week and so I'm jumping in.

Married 20 years, 4 children from college age to 2nd grade. High school sweethearts. Lots of ups and downs.....
Last few years after many years of education and training I finally started my own practice as a physician . Worked many more hours than I wanted to in starting it but it was a joint decision and I thought one that we would weather together.
Not sure what happened but negativity cycle became worse and worse. In retrospect I now see I had a depression at the same time my husband began MLC. I'm frustrated with myself for missing these cues as I am an empathic person and very psychologically oriented- but I was also in one of the most stressed times of my own life and got lost in survival mode.
In any case- 2012-2013 was a tough year but one I felt we were working on things and moving towards a better place. Unexpectedly ( at least to me) on Sept 14, 2013 my husband dropped the bomb that he would be seeking a divorce. For the next 2-3 days I wept and had anxiety attacks and fell apart. As I look at things now I realize he was at the end of replay and entering the next stages so he at least wasn't mean ( though he had been previous to this) but was detached.
Being the driven person I am I started reading everything I could get my hands on and quickly found many resources including DR. Within two weeks I was reading these resources and working on applying the tools.
He moved out Oct 1st to a rental a few streets over but continued to come to the house almost every day. One thing I am so thankful for is what a wonderful father he is and we remained excellent and involved coparents.
Strangely we started to get along better than we had in several years. And ML was more frequent than before ( a 180 for me b/c I had been frequently unresponsive previously- for many reasons).
He filed for divorce Oct 10th, and I consulted a lawyer just to understand what I needed to be aware of ( which interestingly bothered him). He has not progressed on the process since then.
On Jan 17th he called me at 11pm at night to say he was suicidal. I never would have expected this as his personality just doesn't fit this type of spiral- but clearly he was hurting much more than I knew. He came to stay at the house that night and had been there ever since. Had told the kids he would be staying there but they do to know all the details.
Since then he still seems to be mostly in withdrawal with some reconnections. He has noticed all my changes and fully acknowledges that the obstacle to
a fully connected long term relationship is him.
He says he doesn't know if he can let go of everything and move forward the way he should and if he can't do it 110% it's not worth it.
We still have a decent relationship- better in many ways but also
similar to pre-negativity time period. ( though if you were to hear him tell it his rewriting if history is that there was no connection at all).
I should add that there was an EA in my opinion, with a close friend and neighbor of ours whom he works with. I don't think it was purposeful but more opportunistic as both were having marital frustrations. We have talked some in recent months and he acknowledges that the nature of the relationship wax probably hurtful to me though it was not romantic in nature.
So I'm at a point now where I'm bit sure what to do next. I have a lot of patience on one hand, and on the other I'm fearful he will one say say nevermind and decide he can't work on it. I know there are no guarantees but at done point I need some sort of commitment.....
I think I'm just looking for some encouragement and hope.
Thanks for reading and please ask if there are more details that would be helpful.
I suppose I should include we are both in IC and I have been doing a great deal if self assessment and working on myself.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the MLC board.

Since you have been reading for months I will assume you have see my normal welcome post and that you have done all the homework.

If you need me to repeat it on your thread I will be happy to do so just let me know.

As far as what to do next, keep working on YOU!

That is what we all must do for the rest of our lives.

Knowledge is Power.

[daring]

Hi Cadet-
Thanks for the welcome! And yes I have read through your links ( many times). So many of the posts from you, hearts blessing, job, roller coaster rider, and many others have been my go to as I try to navigate this crazy train.
I can't thank you all enough for the continued support you provide!

I will add that I got back from a business trip on Sunday and husband seemed like he needed to talk. So I listened and validated. At one point he said he doesn't know why he can't just let go and reconnect with me. I said ( very non judgementaly) maybe I'm not the one you want to connect with....

He told me fair question to ask but that I was absolutely the only one he wanted to connect with, he just wasn't sure if he could.

I took that as major progress as far as what I have been looking for. No ILY yet but that's the first time since BD he has been clear it's me he wants.

I told him I can be here for him but I can't take his journey for him, I can only
Continue to work on myself.

Baby steps!

[AJM]

Daring, welcome.
It seems simple when we say to work on ourselves. When everything in us is fighting to keep what we had. We go through a period of self-change to please the spouse. Often we find that the changes are good, but have nothing to do with the spouse's decisions and feelings. I think you said it yourself - he doesn't know how to reconnect and doesn't want to if it can't be 110%.

Part of the question is what you're willing to do. i.e. how far and how long are you willing to wait for him to figure it out? These things take years, but from the sound of it, there is plenty of hope. He's obviously in pain and doesn't want you to leave him. You don't want to leave from the sound of it. Always remember you are important as well.

But you'll have to take care of yourself (physician, heal thyself right?) You can't make him "better" or be his old self. He's going to spin and cycle, sometimes quickly. It's not a fun ride for either of you.

Once you make your decision about what you're going to do, I suggest seeing it through regardless of what he does. Not to say you should be a doormat - far from it.

As a suggestion, look up Raine's threads and read from the beginning. I think you'll find some useful telling of her journey in there.

AJ

[daring]

AJ thanks for the welcome! I see you so many times supporting others to stick with their initial decision and that is such a valuable thing to do when we all feel so up and down.

I agree with you there is a lot of hope, and Amen to physician heal thyself! This situation, though not the way I would have liked it to happen, has given me the opportunity to get back to the real me. The one willing to be vulnerable and take chances and be authentic every day. My user name is actually from a book I am reading by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly. Wonderful insight into how numbing bad feelings also results in numbing joy and connectedness. I so identify with the " change anything" to please your spouse initially. But then I realized that what I was doing was going back to "ME" where joy and passion and connection are not inhibited by walls of fear.

I decided at the beginning of this I truly believe we are meant to be together. We have a depth of relationship and connection that is greater than many. That's probably why we also hurt so much when things are not right. If it doesn't work out in the end, it's not going to be for lack of effort on my part. But limbo is extremely hard for me right now.

Thanks for the tip on Raine's threads- I will definitely do that. I have been reading through TakeVowsSerious' thread and have seen Raine comment frequently. Seeing the hope in others sitch even when the signs are subtle helps me see the same in my own relationship.

Thanks for being such a great rssource to so many!

[AJM]

Hang on to this:

If it doesn't work out in the end, it's not going to be for lack of effort on my part. But limbo is extremely hard for me right now.

You'll be tested to say the least. This is not usually a short ride as you may have seen in Michelle's post on the subject. And since it's not up to you, you'll have to be sure to take good care of YOU along the way.

As somebody who took the same stance (many have on this board) I can tell you it is not the easy way. You'll find many on these boards that will support you in that decision. They would also support you if you gave it your all and decided you were done and walking away. But you'll respect yourself if you know you did everything and don't have to look back and wonder. The growth from that is invaluable no matter what happens.

Keep reading and keep posting. It's important to get the feelings out - both good and not so good.
Good luck and God bless,

AJ

[daring]

So tonight I'm on a bit of a shock. As I said, since he came back in Jan after being suicidal things were overall ok. We were connecting, talking and even though he said he didn't know yet things seemed positive.
The last few days he's been more withdrawn again. Seems to be cycling down into some depression and I noticed he was focusing on how he couldn't seem to connect.
He went to IC today and tonight seemed down. As we started talking he kept seeming like he was giving up, that he just didn't see how he could break down the walls enough to have the relationship he wants with me. And at one point he said " I want to have the deepest possible relationship with you, but in afraid I'm already there and this isn't enough". He seems incredibly sad. Has even said he loves and cares for me. When I try to phrase back to him what he is saying he keeps backing off from the finality of it and says he's looking for a way for that not to be the answer but he doesn't know.
I told him he has to take this journey regardless and I'm willing to take it with him, but I can't force it. He then said he keeps thinking I'm going to be looking for or expecting more from him and he's not eve sure what but then when I don't he's not sure what to do.
He then asked if we could put off the rest of the conversation until tomorrow. I said whatever he needs to do. ( though I thought I had heard a final answer- I'm not so sure and I definitely think he is confused)!
Help! How do I handle the follow up tomorrow???

[ForeverYoung]

Hi daring, I too see many positives in your sitch... and some similarities to mine.

Help! How do I handle the follow up tomorrow???

Well, for starters don't initiate it! H is very uncomfortable knowing that he can't commit to you right now, and the mere thought of it on top of everything else he is dealing with is overwhelming to him. This can drive him to run if you don't back off. I know you want to hear reassuring words more than anything right now, but he has none to offer. Can you find a way to be ok with this? It's in the best interest of your M if you can.

There's a reason we are taught to not have Big Relationship Talks at this time... because they can't help and can only hurt. It's additional pressure on your H, at the worst time. Stop looking and expecting more from him and he will relax!

Don't think in terms of finding resolution. It's ok, even preferred, that this takes some time. Think in terms of outlasting his MLC by enjoying your new life. Fake it 'til you make it, but make sure you make it! If you do this well, it takes A LOT of pressure off of him, and he will be less likely to leave or initiate D. Ask me how I know!

If he initiates R talk, and starts into how it's all too hard, there's no hope, etc., reassure him that you understand... and that you believe he will work his way through this and things will get better.

I like how it sounds like H and you still have a strong connection. Maintain and build on that. (when possible. Remember, no pressure!)

[daring]

Thanks Forever Young- it helps that others see positives and connection for me to hold onto ( carefully and without pressure of course!)

I can definitely find a way to be ok with not hearing any reassurances and I will be mindful of focusing on supporting him as a friend.
He initiated the conversation yesterday, and I have been telling him I'm not expecting an answer on a particular timeline, but I have to think that I must have been communicating pressure somehow. I think I just got too comfortable in the last few weeks when he seemed his old self and things were good. And early on at one point I had said I would eventually probably get tired of waiting and so he seems to be focusing on that. He did make me laugh by saying he's afraid in a year he will get his head out of his ass and figure it all out and it might be too late.

I like the idea of thinking in terms if outlasting his MLC.

I will take a look at your sitch as well to understand similarities and hopefully learn something!
Are you still in the same house and separate bedrooms? God bless you for your patience! What did you do that helped keep things where they are and not lose hope?

Thanks for your response and reminder that MLC is still in process ( I had hoped we were nearing the end) and I need to keep focusing on me.

[daring]

Well- I guess the journey has just taken a hairpin turn.

He has decided he wants to finalize the divorce. he feels like he's been trying to work on himself and he just can't seem to move past certain things and open up. He has been looking at our past and how I have been since BD and he says he just can't get out of his own way. He said he hopes to one day find the same "super power" I have of being able to heal and move past tremendous hurts and still be open and vulnerable. Granted it was BD that forced that for me and so maybe he needs his own "come to Jesus" to make himself do the same.
He feels he needs to remove all expectations he places on me and himself and force himself to face his demons. He feels this is the only way he will do that.

It was a peaceful conversation, he held my hand and said he is sorry and that he will work on figuring it all out and he wants to rebuild a relationship with me but what that looks like he has no idea. He assumes I will protect myself emotionally but also knows we will need to be there for each other to get through all of this.

This is so freaking bizarre, I see the love and its like he loves so much he has to let go in order to heal himself. I feel like this is what he needs to do I am just trying so hard not to lose hope that there is still a chance.
And I hate to think how hard this will be on the kids to have dad leave again- though he is an amazing father and will remain very involved I know.

I will keep working on myself and since I have had since Sept to do so this BD is painful but I feel like I will be ok ( not like last time when I felt like i would die from the pain).

Any words of hope, similar experiences, or wisdom would be great. I will continue to be a lighthouse for him for as long as I can.