She's not interested in spending quality together right now
You're absolutely right, I was suggesting the book because it helps to understand what went wrong between both of you (it wasn't all just you) and how to do things differently in the future whether that's with your W or with someone new. There are LL techniques in the book that you can use on a WAS but yes, you have to be careful because the WAS views much of it as "too late for that".
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despite the great "date" we had this past weekend (at her suggestion...I think she suggested we go out as an opportunity to talk without the kids around, but we ended up having a great time together).
Good! Things like this don't "fix" your sitch, but they pave the way to future reconciliation. Like 25 says- keep the way home paved and smooth. You can't get a tow truck, hook it to her and drag her home, but if you keep the way home smooth then perhaps some day she'll choose to make that drive
The two biggest 180's I could make (based on what I now know are her 2 biggest complaints) would be to 1) Take her out once a week, anywhere, with me planning it; and 2) Being willing to accompany her places without her having to convince me...that is, going willingly instead of essentially having to be begged.
Because she is a WAW, #2 is out right now...I don't think I'll be getting any invites any time soon. #1 is within my control, but doesn't seem to align with DBing... the whole "no pursuit" thing. But, I was thinking maybe a work around...a good 180 for both myself and potentially for "us", would be to extend an invite to her to go out along the lines of "I'm planning on ________ and would love for you to join me, but if you prefer not to I'm still going to go and will ask _____ instead." This would actually be a double 180 because another complaint of hers is that I've neglected my friendships, and I need to remedy that no matter what (which makes for some good GAL as well!). Any vets care to weigh in on that?
Speaking of GAL, I heard back from an old buddy of mine, so while W is at her concert with her friend on Saturday I'm sending the kids to the in-laws for the night and I'm going to go hang out with him. W was super-pleased to hear about that.
So, as of now nothing has changed W's feelings about the D, but I have been being Super Dad, working out regularly, picking up all the slack around the house, not questioning where W goes or what she does, continuing her LL "acts of service", and being 100% positive at all times...and I know it's been noticed.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
This morning took a turn for the kind of a crazy. I was in my home office working when I heard a knocking on the shower wall coming from my wife's bathroom. Usually that means she needs a towel or something, so I walked in and she was standing naked in the bathtub with the water running and the shower door open, looking like she had seen a ghost. She managed to gasp that she was having an anxiety/panic attack of some sort and then just kind of started to lose it... shaking, crying, hyperventilating, barely able to stay on her feet...the whole deal. It was pretty scary. I ended up carrying her to bed and once there she asked me to just sit with her because she was afraid to be alone. I ended up having to call her boss to say she wouldn't be in. Other than an IC session I had to attend a couple of hours later, I've been caretaking for most of the rest of the day.
Not sure what to make of that, but it was a weird experience for sure.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I've really been "single dad'ing" for quite some time, when I think about... W isn't a bad mom by any means, but I've really been doing the bulk of keeping the household together lately, whereas it definitely used to be more of a 50/50 split.
Spent the day working at home and taking care of W after her panic attack, went to IC, picked up the kids from school and made dinner, did bath time, cleaned up around the house/laundry... It's really just gotten to be routine for me. W asked me for a rub down this evening and then later thanked me for taking care of her today. Told me she was super happy that the panic attack happened on a day when I was working at home because she didn't know what she would have done if it had been an in-office day for me and said that it was beyond nice to have me there. Part of me felt like saying "yeah, and WTF will you do once you've moved out and I'm NOT there anymore?" but I of course kept my mouth shut. I just told her that she was more than welcome and I was glad she was feeling better.
She just left to go visit her sister and I could tell by her demeanor that it wasn't just a friendly visit... this will be when she breaks the news to her sister. Guess that's mind-reading but I'm reasonably confident in my assumption. Doesn't really matter though because I just keep my pleasant, cool and calm mood no matter what. Told her I hoped she had a good time and she came and gave me a hug and then rolled out. So... just going to spend some quality time with the kids before their bedtime and then probably hit the sheets not long after they do.
I've noticed I have some anger, albeit well-hidden, toward her parents for "saving" her by allowing her to move in with them. Going to need to handle that. Also bothers me that she's surrounded by cheerleaders telling her divorce is the way to personal fulfillment and happiness... kind of wish there was at least one person in her life that would suggest to her that this was perhaps not going to achieve what she thinks it will achieve...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Funny, my wife said something on the way out the door to visit her sister that perfectly exemplifies the disconnect in our thinking. She asked me if I was mad at her because she was still going to her sister's tonight despite the fact that she didn't go to work today and spent most of the day in bed recovering from her panic attack.
It never in a million years would have occurred to me to be mad about that.
Ever.
Being mad was the furthest thing from my mind. And I told her that. That I wasn't mad, and being mad never even crossed my thoughts. She said it was like Catholic guilt... "you didn't go to church so you don't get to go out and play"... and that was just how her mind worked. I told her I didn't think that way at all and her going to her sister's didn't bother me at all... but what I feel like I should have mentioned (although it didn't occur to me at the time) was that she can't project her mindset on to me... that's part of what got us here; her continually thinking that I'm thinking something that I'm not. Is there a tactful DB way to do that?
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
W goes off to her sister's last night, presumably to talk about the D. A couple of hours later I get a text from her saying she's going to be staying later than she originally thought and that she'll be home around midnight. Because one of her complaints has been that I don't respond to her texts, I waited 5/10 minutes and then answered back with a simple "ok" (180's: responding to texts and not asking anything else about her plans/what she's doing). About 15 min later I get another text from her, this time a photo of W and sis in front of the firepit. Waited a few again and then responded that it was a sweet photo. She sent another pic of them a couple of minutes later and I responded with a smiley face emoticon.
Two things are notable here and part of me wants to speculate even though from a DB perspective I know I shouldn't. One is that W texted me to let me know what her plan was. A huge complaint of mine for the past 6 months or so has been her going out without ever keeping touch to let me know what her plans are and specifically when she thought she'd be clear. She's always been free to pretty much do what she wants when she wants; I always wanted what I felt like was a minimum, baseline level of respect/consideration of her letting me know the basic where's and when's of her plans. For the past 6 months or so it's been like pulling teeth to get her to do that, but ever since the bomb drop and I started DBing there's been a huge turnaround on her part regarding that.
The other thing I think is notable is that she actually came home at the time she said she would, because again this is a turnaround for her. Previously if she gave me a come-home time she almost never stuck to it, but now she has been.
I don't know if there's any relevance to those two things, but I appreciate them regardless.
One thing I think is strange though is that W would go to her sisters to talk about our sitch, and then spend any amount of time sending me pics of the two of them. Just seems kind of weird to me, like "I told stumps I want a divorce...hey, let's send him a couple of quick pics of the two of us..."
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Hmm, guess the edit function doesn't work? That should be "when she thought she'd be home" not "when she thought she'd be clear".
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
And of course... she asked me to massage her neck and back when we woke up this morning. Hope she misses that when she moves out.
Also must make a point of not asking her about her sister's and how it went/if she had a good time. If she brings it up I will listen attentively, but I won't be the one to bring it up.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
W left for work around 4:30pm and said she felt like she was on the verge of having another panic attack. She texted me a couple of hours later to say she ended up having an attack while she was almost at work and had to pull over and have her manager/friend come get her. Apparently manager/friend took her to her other friend's house, who lives right near work and she is going to stay there until after manager/friend's shift is over and then get a ride back to her car. I don't think that's really going to happen. I expect to get another text saying she is going to stay at friend's house tonight...
She also has plans to go to concert with manager/friend tomorrow night...bet those plans won't be cancelled.
Here's what I find interesting... I'm the one getting "dumped", I don't want this divorce, I think it's going to be hell for the kids, and yet... I'm the one cool and calm and even-keeled. I'm the one going about my business with a positive attitude.
Meanwhile... this is ostensibly what W wants. This is her decision. I don't give her grief about ANYthing. She does what she wants, when she wants. Not only do I not question her, I SUPPORT her in just about everything she does. She's free to go whenever she wants. And yet SHE is the one having panic attacks?
I'm willing to bet she would attribute it to being "stuck" in the house with me, and yet... I talked to my FIL tonight and he said W is free to move in whenever she's ready. She's not stuck. She can go whenever she wants. We even discussed the fact that she could move into her parents any time she wanted (they live two houses away!) and I would stay in the house with the kids. I don't see how it gets any better than that for a WAW, and yet... she's still here. But she's the one having panic attacks.
I don't get it.
I'm torn between eagerly awaiting what she has to say in the wake of this attack, and just not giving a s@#t.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
You are still too focused on her. Obviously, she's having issues. Focus on you and your changes and what you want going forward. That's where the payoff will be. Hang in there.
