husband wants to bring kids around ow

[Starsky309]

would you go if you were still together?
if you were still together, why would you go?

if those reasons are valid reasons like...I would go because we are family and I am close to this child, then YES I would go

if the reasons aren't valid like...I would go because we are married and I had to but I would only go for like an hour...then NO I wouldn't go

don't turn this child's party into someplace to try and show how you have changed...

this party is for her
if you would go for HER...go...

If no then stay home

BINGO.


Starsky

[twinmom]

Yep, H is the only who doesn't drink (had never even had one beer in his life) has a college degree, stable job since graduating from college and financially responsible......

To clarify he has 4 brothers....
He is the oldest, next brother had been in/out of jail for drugs
The next one plays poker for a living but otherwise is ok, next brother is 28 still lives at home. No car, no job.... just refuses to grow up
Youngest is the 3yr olds dad and another baby due any day (same mom but they are not together) he just had his car repossessed and was served an eviction notice.... He has a job but can't manage money.
Dad is an alcoholic and his mom is a hoarder (I have never been into his parents house because H is too embarrassed) with the same money management problems as the youngest brother

Sounds like regular pillars of their community ((((rolls eyes))))

[Starsky309]

Yep, H is the only who doesn't drink (had never even had one beer in his life) has a college degree, stable job since graduating from college and financially responsible......

OK, trying to bite my tongue here . . .

[twinmom]

Yes, I would typically go. I love the family events... I am an only child so I love big family stuff, I just didn't know if this would be considered chasing.....
I always host every holiday and love doing it... I just made the mistake in the past of complaining to H about all the crazy stuff his family was doing after these events.

[twinmom]

Yep, H is the only who doesn't drink (had never even had one beer in his life) has a college degree, stable job since graduating from college and financially responsible......

OK, trying to bite my tongue here . . .

Don't! I like a person who speaks their mind

[Starsky309]

Don't! I like a person who speaks their mind

OK: I see in your husband's unconscionable behavior (having an affair while his wife is PREGNANT? Really???) him being more like his family than him being different than them.

Is this is the 360-degree dysfunction he comes out of, it would tend to skew my already-tough advice to you about what to do with this man. I'm as pro-marriage as anybody, but I question whether he has the upbringing necessary to be able to even pull this off if he WANTED to.


Starsky

[twinmom]

Ok, I get what your saying. He may not drink or do drugs but his behavior is just as bad/irresponsible as his family.

Are you saying he will most likely not have the skills to want to return/work on our marriage or if he does he will most likely just cheat again? Sorry, I am dense today....

And yes I completely understand I have not accepted my life as a single person and constantly think about wanting my family back. I know I need to accept this but it's harder than I thought it would be.

[Train]

twin,

I won't speak for Starsky, but, yes. Unfortunately, I think the ABILITY of your H to pull up his big-boy pants and be responsible and a genuine "quality person" is in question, especially considering his upbringing.

Please try not to beat yourself up about not reaching a point of acceptance. It's FAR too early in the process for you to have such lofty expectations of yourself. Unfortunately (or fortunately), this takes time. And lots of it. Be patient with yourself.

One of my favorite quotes of all time:

"I beg you ... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." (Rainer Maria Rilke)

[Starsky309]

Are you saying he will most likely not have the skills to want to return/work on our marriage or if he does he will most likely just cheat again? Sorry, I am dense today....

I'm saying the WILLINGNESS beast is hard enough, but once he is slain if you still are left with the ABILITY to even do what is necessary?

I will never say "never," at least not as long as God is still in the business of changing souls. But short of that kind of total divine, road-to-Damascus kind of moment for your husband, yeah . . . I guess I'm saying I see him as at LEASDT 50% unwilling to, and then even if he gets to the point where he WANTS to, I see him being 90% unable to pull it off, considering his background.

Not good odds, and at some point I think you need to realize that you deserve -- and can have -- better.


Starsky

[Georgiabelle]

Not good odds, and at some point I think you need to realize that you deserve -- and can have -- better.



BAH- BAM. Spot on:)