Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Mach1]

I can tell you this....

The reason that you struggle around the kids...

Has more to do with you, than it does them.

The ripping apart of oneself and the work to figure out “who I want to be when I grow up”….is f*cking tough. It is a process. There is not right or wrong answer Barry. The answer is in you. The answer really is….who does Barry want to be……when no one is around…..regardless of other actions…..the Barry that will feel good about himself….

Your intent is honorable Barry. You are trying to do the "right" things.

And you are losing yourself, in the process.....

Try and stick to answering the basic questions above, and see what you come up with....

[Barrybran]

Thanks guys. I had a thought last night that I should buy a large notebook, head down to the park and think, write and relax. I feel I should be getting all of this stuff better by now but between people here and my wife there's a lot of layers being peeled back. As confused as I am about a lot of things, I am very thankful that my wife has participated in exposing my flaws, even if she's only doing it as standing up for herself, than shutting down and withdrawing like she used to.

As for the compliments, two people have suggested it now so that outweighs the one (me) who is unsure of it so I'll give it a go. Some compliments are easy; my wife made an amazing spaghetti last night and my son and I were genuinely heaping praise on her... and going back for seconds

[ericmsant2]

Try and stick to answering the basic questions above, and see what you come up with

[Barrybran]

I had to Google "who do I want to be" last night. Pretty stupid for a 30yo man. Admittedly, it helped though. Asking who I want to be is pretty vague and I honestly have no idea. I think a lot but I have a million different things going on in my mind and I'm not so good at stealing myself away to really spend some time by myself and think. When I have downtime I try to really relax and do what I want to do as I'm forever chasing after work, my house and my kids. I know I need to think deeply more often but I also need to unwind too. As a middle ground, I decided I'd get a notebook and start writing things down. What I've done that makes me happy, what I want to do, what I want to have, what I don't want to do, etc. Just some thoughts to try and shape the direction I want to head in. I didn't find a notebook so I'll grab one from my wife's work on Sunday but I've found some printer paper to get me started. I figure I'll have some thoughts along the way and write them down rather than trying to force myself to think of things in one go.

Something I'm considering is changing the way I dress. I usually get around in t-shirts, surf-brand shorts and a pair of smart sandals. I feel very comfortable in what I wear and I feel I look good in it. I'm only 30 so I feel that I look attractive in what I wear but when I look at 40-50 year olds who wear t-shirts, something doesn't quite sit right with me. I've always admired the dress sense of those men aged 40-60 who dress nicely all the time, nothing fancy, but a collared shirt tucked into a decent pair pants and nice shoes or workboots. I wear shorts a lot, even in winter, so I'm not sure that I'm ready to retire the shorts but I think a more mature look is something I need.

I was able to compliment my wife today. It was very easy to be honest. I went to her work to exchange car keys and she was busy so I headed out the back to her locker. The back area was quite empty which has been a rarity with all the stock my wife's company keeps sending her. She's been putting in a lot of hours at work since November so I know she's put in a lot of effort to get the stock on the floor and out of the back dock. I left the store and sent her a text saying that the back dock looks great and that she'd done well. I didn't get a response but I wasn't meant to. It was a genuine compliment and she takes it how she sees fit.

I received a couple of new books today so I'm looking forward to getting into those once I'm done with TWOTSM. Oh, and I bought my home gym. My bank account isn't going to like me but I'll now have flexibility and convenience with my workouts and most importantly, no excuse!

[Lostforwords]

B,

What Mach and Eric have said is great stuff....Read, Listen, and Think about it all over and over.

Great personal change can only happen when you are at the bottom of your bucket.....at your low. Excuses and expectations keep you from getting to the bottom as they are nothing more than illusions of your perception. Remove the excuses and illusions......accept the truths of who you are now....and start working towards who you want to become.

Be the changes man....Be the changes.

[Barrybran]

Question: Some thoughts are popping to mind but some of them involve my wife. I feel that what I want is important in this process and I don't plan on living my life alone. Should I be including my wife on a 'when times are good' basis, or writing them down as a 'with someone regardless of who it is' or avoiding these types of things?

For example, I want my wife to be able to trust me, to feel comfortable giving me and receiving my affection and I would like to make love as well as have sex with her. I don't have any intention to do these things with anyone else however I understand that my wife may not be the person who benefits from the person I'll aspire to be. I also feel that these things will be an important part of my life moving forward though I understand I have a lot of personal growth to do before I experience certain things with my wife again.

[Mach1]

Question: Some thoughts are popping to mind but some of them involve my wife. I feel that what I want is important in this process and I don't plan on living my life alone. Should I be including my wife on a 'when times are good' basis, or writing them down as a 'with someone regardless of who it is' or avoiding these types of things?

No....This is about becoming you again.

Thinking in "couple" terms will come later on...

For example, I want my wife to be able to trust me, to feel comfortable giving me and receiving my affection and I would like to make love as well as have sex with her. I don't have any intention to do these things with anyone else however I understand that my wife may not be the person who benefits from the person I'll aspire to be. I also feel that these things will be an important part of my life moving forward though I understand I have a lot of personal growth to do before I experience certain things with my wife again.

Okay....

So let's start your list with...

Trustworthy....

You want to be trustworthy....

That should be a quality that YOU want to show...regardless if it is your wife or not....


Try thinking along those lines...

More later....

[Barrybran]

Thanks Mach.

[Barrybran]

These are traits that I would like to show. Admittedly, they come mostly from things my wife has told me and not showing them appears to affect multiple relationships:

Good listener
Reliable
Good communicator
Faithful
Patient
Trustworthy
Fair
Loyal
Calm

[Mach1]

I had to Google "who do I want to be" last night. Pretty stupid for a 30yo man. Admittedly, it helped though. Asking who I want to be is pretty vague and I honestly have no idea. I think a lot but I have a million different things going on in my mind and I'm not so good at stealing myself away to really spend some time by myself and think. When I have downtime I try to really relax and do what I want to do as I'm forever chasing after work, my house and my kids. I know I need to think deeply more often but I also need to unwind too. As a middle ground, I decided I'd get a notebook and start writing things down. What I've done that makes me happy, what I want to do, what I want to have, what I don't want to do, etc. Just some thoughts to try and shape the direction I want to head in. I didn't find a notebook so I'll grab one from my wife's work on Sunday but I've found some printer paper to get me started. I figure I'll have some thoughts along the way and write them down rather than trying to force myself to think of things in one go.

Please remember to go easy on yourself too....

Finding Barry isn't something that is going to happen overnight, or during one thought provoking instance....

It will happen over time, slowly yet positively. You will watch other people that you admire, and you will add traits of people that you consider role models. You will incorporate those things into your everyday values and your core values.

You will read things that you want, or situations that you would like to handle similarly...

Take it all in, and sort it out, so that it "fits" you...

Set aside a certain amount of time each day to think, time to play. time to give back, time to unwind....

Something I'm considering is changing the way I dress. I usually get around in t-shirts, surf-brand shorts and a pair of smart sandals. I feel very comfortable in what I wear and I feel I look good in it. I'm only 30 so I feel that I look attractive in what I wear but when I look at 40-50 year olds who wear t-shirts, something doesn't quite sit right with me. I've always admired the dress sense of those men aged 40-60 who dress nicely all the time, nothing fancy, but a collared shirt tucked into a decent pair pants and nice shoes or workboots. I wear shorts a lot, even in winter, so I'm not sure that I'm ready to retire the shorts but I think a more mature look is something I need.

I see this a little different than you might expect.....

My first question is why ?

Then again, I think that you are answering a little bit, yet I see something that you may not..

When I first read that, I thought: Yea, I get that....

I sense that you fear judgment, and maybe not today or tomorrow, but as you say.....down the road....

I want you to think about this though....

Why do you fear that judgement ????

I would assume that it comes from a projection within yourself. That maybe you fear judgement, because YOU are willing to give judgement..

Is that something that you feel within yourself ???

Is being judgmental something that is on your 'bad' list ???

Think about it, and see if it is something that fits....

I was able to compliment my wife today. It was very easy to be honest. I went to her work to exchange car keys and she was busy so I headed out the back to her locker. The back area was quite empty which has been a rarity with all the stock my wife's company keeps sending her. She's been putting in a lot of hours at work since November so I know she's put in a lot of effort to get the stock on the floor and out of the back dock. I left the store and sent her a text saying that the back dock looks great and that she'd done well. I didn't get a response but I wasn't meant to. It was a genuine compliment and she takes it how she sees fit.

Very nice....

No expectations though....you are doing this for you, not her...

I received a couple of new books today so I'm looking forward to getting into those once I'm done with TWOTSM.

Don't forget to read some "fun" stuff too....

It IS important....