I have been coming here to the forums for several weeks. There is a lot of suffering out there, but a lot of support from a lot of good people. I'm hoping that by starting this for me, it will help calm me for the marathon, and perhaps some of the sages on here will also provide insight. I also picked up DR yesterday and am working through it.
W and I have had issues in the marriage for some time. I think things came to a head during an argument on 2/11 that I either accept things or W was going to divorce me. I, of course, couldn't stop.
The next day, W came to me and read a written letter saying W loved me and the kids, wanted to work on things and make various changes. In hindsight, I think this was the start of W doing things to protect W interests if D was litigated.
2/28 started like any other day. W took the kids to school and ran various errands. But W never came home with the kids after school. I received a call from W's friend telling me that W and kids were in town and were safe. I was supposed to have receive a 'package' that day, but it was delayed. I think the friend told me it was D papers, but don't remember. I was in shock.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
The weekend of 3/1, I had no contact and no idea of where W and the kids were. 3/3 was my daughter's birthday and I didn't know where she was. I contacted a lawyer and was advised to send an email to W and draw up a plan to have dinner with the kids, which I did. My W's L sent me an email with additional requirements: I couldn't leave the restaurant with the kids and I couldn't approach W. I signed the agreement.
Dinner that night was awkward. After dinner, I took the kids to the parking lot as agreed. W was parked close to the door and rolled down the window to talk to the kids. I didn't talk to her or approach her. After the kids got in the car, I went back in to the restaurant because I was so upset. Several minutes later, I went to my car.
As I pulled out of the parking lot and was driving down the street, I noticed a car pull out of the same lot and realized it was the W's car. W pulled up along side of me as if she was trying to get me to notice (follow?). I looked straight ahead and drove home.
The next day, I was still reeling. I didn't know when I would see the kids again. I knew they didn't go to school on 3/3 and they were not in school on 3/4. That night, at 7:00, I was served with a Protective Order for my W. The L included the signed judge order and the application. I saw something that read that I had to be out of the house within 4 hours after being served.
I'm not an L and was panicking. I got out of the house to a hotel as soon as possible.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
My L advised me the next day that the PO didn't require me to move out of the house until 3/15. We had planned a trip IL's FL home over spring break. W and kids were going, so I could stay at the house during this time.
I still didn't know where they were, so I asked my L to tell W's L that I would leave the house and W and kids could stay there until they left, and I'd move back for the week.
And so it was. My L and I met with W's L while W was in FL. Our state does collaborative Ds, so we started the process. As part of it, W had to fire the other L that had done the PO, and W had to agree that she would not file any court actions while we were in collaborative process. My L found out that W's other L had 'torn down' the court date for the PO and it would just expire on 3/24.
Even before the PO, I had stopped texting and calling W after the first 24 hours. I knew she was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. The PO just reinforced this.
I started to think about where I'd live. I started organize all the financial data we'd need in the collaborative process. I got a budget from W's L and made suggestions and updates to it so W could have an accurate picture of what it would look like if she kept the house.
I got a personal cell phone because I only had a work cell. I knew I'd be texting a lot more with the kids, and I was hoping to in a polite manner with W and couldn't do all that on my work cell.
While they were in FL, I texted my two oldest to let them know I had a new cell because my work wouldn't want me texting too much. The next morning, 3/14 at 5:15 AM, I received a text from W. This was first communication with W since the morning of 2/28 when they left for school.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
W told me that the next time I do something like get a cell, I should call to let her know. It upset the kids because they felt they had a secret.
Before I could reply, she texted that she appreciated my attitude toward the kids and school nights. One of our sons has ADD, and his doctor said he should stay in one house during the school week so that he can sleep better. While W was in FL and I met with both Ls, I said it was in his best interest. I also couldn't see the other kids coming over while he was at home, so they should all stay at the house. She then offered to have me stay with the kids at the house on my weekends.
Against my better judgement, I replied to her texts and wrote that I didn't call because of the order and the decision wasn't hard because I was going to do everything in the best interest of my kids.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I need to add that during this time, I hadn't found this site or DR, but I was all about working on me. To deal with the PO, I found quotes from the Buddha to be calming. We also had a book by the Dalai Lama that was extraordinary.
The simple idea that people seek happiness and try to avoid suffering was mind-bending to me. I got a library card and check several books by the Dalai Lama out. I thought it was great that in DR, MWD references Buddhist thoughts.
I also scheduled sessions with an IC. I knew I had problems beyond the M to work on. My issues.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
She replied back that she understood why I did it and it was a nice message. She also sent a message about hoping that she didn't have to move the kids out of the house, but she was unsure about how much money she could make at the business she owns. She also wrote that I was a good dad and she wanted me to be there for the kids.
I replied back that I knew she would do great with her business and that we'd find a way.
Later in the day there were more texts from her. Take any furniture you want. Take our bed (I have a bad back). Take these dishes.
I asked if she would be taking care of the bills that were accumulating. I had stopped opening her mail and several of the bills were addressed to her. I took care of things financially and she asked me to take care of them.
It was all very cordial.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
The next day, the day before they returned home and I moved out, I sent W a text asking about being on the same page and what the kids had been told about me not being in the house when they got home.
I still had no idea what the kids had been told about things. In over two weeks, I had seen them 2.5 hours, and for six of those days, I had no idea where they were.
There was no reply to the text.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
On the day they got back, there were several texts from W. She thanked me for the work I had done on the house (it was therapeutic). She asked if I had found a place, where was it (I only said it was close to the house and a general reference, not an exact address), did I get enough things from the house, do I want to take kids to events during the week, why didn't I take a TV...
After two weeks plus of silence, it was a lot of exchange. I thought about the PO.
W also asked how my mother was. I wrote that she wasn't happy with me. W wrote that we'll all get through it. I wrote maybe, and that it was hard to learn a lesson too late, but that I was going to use it to be a better person and a better dad. I also wrote that I wished I had one more chance.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
On Monday, 3/17, there were several texts about various things that need to be addressed. Bills to pay, deposits to make, meeting with members of the collaborative team to schedule. All cordial.
I later learned that W had gone to see a C we both had seen the previous summer, and he told W that I could still change.
On Tuesday, I received a text late in the afternoon asking if I could take two of the kids to their practice. I jumped at the chance as I hadn't seen them since 3/8.
While we were a practice, W texted to see if I could pick up dinner. W suffers migraine headaches and was having one. Again, any opportunity to be with the kids I was going to take.
I ended up having dinner with them, getting them bathed and off to bed. W was on the floor of the master bath dealing with the headache. I told her I could take her to the ER if necessary. She asked that I stay a while to make sure she was ok.
I sat in the living room in the dark while the kids went to sleep. It was the happiest I'd been since the BD.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
